And as far as your health was concerned, why were you being kept in?

Oh blood pressure needed to come down still, and I guess some of it making it making sure the caesarean was healing okay and stuff like that. Yes, but I think it was largely the blood pressure thing that they were worried about and they were just making sure that those things were on their, you know, heading in the right direction basically.

And I guess also, I mean I, I probably could have pushed if I wanted to come home earlier, but in a lot of ways I was like well its really convenient. I’m on the first floor, the baby’s on the third floor, its going to get a hell a lot harder trekking from home which is half an hour away. I’m not in much of a rush to get discharged. So I didn’st really kick up a fuss. I was quite happy to sit back and go, still got my electrically operated bed [laughs]. I’m happy. I will stay here for a few more days thanks. So yes, because, I know that there was some, like you know, there was, obviously you chat to other mothers on the neonatal ward and stuff like that and some of them were bitching about how slow things were and how they really wanted to go home or whatever, but, and I just remember thinking, I think I might just take it for now. Someone else is cooking my dinner. Okay not what I’sd like to cook, but its one less job to do and I may as well make the most of it. Recover as best I can and then we’sll worry about the rest, yes.

The section monitoring, when I came out of theatre it was every five minutes, and all I wanted to do was just to have peace. By this point I had been up for forty eight hours and just wanted I wanted to be with my baby but that was impossible, and I just wanted to sleep. And you don’st rest when you’re being poked and prodded. I get now why they had to do it, but again that wasn’st really explained to me at the time. I think and maybe, maybe it’s a good thing they do play it down; if they’re worried about your blood pressure and your heart rate they don’st want to have you unduly worried by saying, “We need to do these obs because things can get worse after delivery.” I think for me the moment our daughter was born the anaesthesiologist told us this as well, is my stats immediately started stabilising; my colour changed; I felt better in myself whether it’s psychological or not I don’st know, but you know when your body’s reacting like that you think, ‘OK, that was the right decision, now let me heal, let me get better,’ and so, I think if I was stabilising they probably didn’st want to give me any undue worry.

I was just looking at my husband. I could feel the cut but it wasn’st painful. It’s a very strange sensation. I guess it’s like when you’ve sat on your hand for a long time and it feels all rubbery, and you can feel something at it but it doesn’st hurt. There’s no you can’t it’s a numbing it’s a numb sensation. And so I could feel the cut but I wasn’st worried. I think I heard a few sounds. They told us that the baby had was healthy I think. I heard a tiny little cry from him and then I just remembered feeling really, really tired and peaceful, and I was dozing off but my husband kept trying to keep me awake. I don’st know whether that was dangerous and hence he was trying to keep me awake.

I still don’st know. If I had fallen asleep would that have been OK, who knows? And then I remember them sewing me back up; again didn’st hurt. And so we just spoke for a few minutes whilst they were cleaning [son’s name], and then they brought him round. He was all wrapped up. We had a quick photo taken. I mean it was it was a little sad that I couldn’st have skin to skin but obviously the most important thing is to make sure he’s OK, and they explained that they were going to take him immediately to the intensive care unit, so I understood that. Again in an ideal world I would have asked about cord clamping and requesting for that to take place, but it just wasn’st the time or place for it.

So, was it the ideal delivery of course not. There were other things I would have preferred but I’m just very grateful that everything happened the way it did.

I don’t know whether it is related to the epilepsy, but in my – I sort of imagine it does, because of the amount of drugs I have in my body. But I sort of had a bit of reaction to that. I also had a reaction to the drug they give you to, so that you deliver the placenta. And everything I’d worried about, about having epilepsy, sort of came about afterwards. Having felt absolutely fine, I then went into the most terrible post- – well, what I would describe as a post-fit headache, which is what I get after a seizure. And it’s like a migraine, it’s terrible, in one place, want to curl up in a ball. And that came on very quickly after I’d had her, and I didn’t really hold her for the rest of the night. I mean, I was just curled up in a ball, and in the end I had to ask the – I felt sick – although I wasn’t being sick, I felt sick with this headache, and I had to ask the midwife who’d then taken over the shift, you know, I had, “You’re going to have to give me something, to get rid of this sick feeling and this headache, because I’m not going to be able to take my epilepsy pills at ten thirty, and I need to take them, not only because I need to take them, but because I’ve just given birth and I’m exhausted, and I don’t want this to start perpetuating. So they had to give me something, and then I, after, you know, I was ready to go to the ward.

In terms of your blood pressure, what further investigations or treatments did you need after your son was born?

I didn’st have any. Nobody told me that I needed any; nobody was that bothered. I mean I was supposed to be on four hourly observations the week I was in hospital but I was the one who had to set my alarm and go to the midwife’s station and tell somebody, “I need my blood pressure checking.” “Oh yeah,” you know and one night I didn’st wake up for the alarm nobody came you know, so it wasn’st checked for twelve hours, and then I was like, “Do you want to check my blood pressure?” “Oh yeah we’ll do it after breakfast,” you know nobody gave a shit really at all.

And then for 48 hours after I think they checked it once and they were like, “Yeah it’s back to a hundred and twenty,” or some number that was low enough for everyone to be happy and they were like, “Yeah we’re happy with that,” and that was it you know.

And then the next morning she brought in breakfast for me and my husband, and suddenly I was just eating it and out of nowhere my heartrate just went flying up really high like de de de hundred and fifty kind of thing going because I was on the monitors I could see it, and I was really panicky. I was like, “What’s this [husband’s name], can you go and get someone, can you go and get someone?” She’d come back in, she knew nothing and then they were taking my blood pressure and it was still quite high, and the problem is every time I would look at the monitor my heart rate; everything went up, I was like really anxious. And I then it was weird because then what kept kicking in to my head was because I’m a because you know a cardiac nurse I knew kind of what I don’st know what was going on and kind of thing like that. And then what worried me was they weren’t cardiac nurses; they don’st know what’s going on. So she was just… and it just stopped and it just then settled. And then again I think then that day they blur a bit because I spent a couple of days in the HDU but all I remember was it was really strange where it was normally it’s like the baby’s been born, it’s all about the baby. To me it was all about me.

And I can remember coming round and we were in high dependency by then, and I can remember waking up and [son] was in my left arm. I can remember holding him. [husband] said I was off my trolley and just completely woozy, but I do have a memory of him being in my arms, which is a really nice thing to have, and then I’sve got no memory of kind of the rest of that day, and the next few days are really, really hazy because I had to stay in the high dependency unit, because I had to have some very strong drug I think to get my blood pressure back down, so I couldn’st go and see [son] for about two days. And I was just in this high dependency bed. And it was an odd experience again, because I think again because of the drugs, you know, and I could tell people coming in and out and talking to other patients and things, and I just remember feeling really lonely there in my bed. And thinking I want them to talk to me [laughs]. I was obviously like I was fine and I didn’st, you know, I wasn’st a demanding kind of person so they never talked to me. They talked to the annoying woman over there [laughs]. And I was like talk to me, I’m lonely. But very odd time warped kind of days. It was very weird. And then eventually they pulled out the drains and let me go to the ward, and I just remember feeling like a little old lady hunched over with this scar, and everything and then we got to go up to the neonatal unit and finally meet [son] which was lovely of course and all of that. So then I was in for a week just recovering myself I guess. And I felt fine fairly quickly. Physically I guess I was in a bit of pain, but, I didn’st think it was too bad really to be honest.

So yes high dependency [small laugh]. They were ever so good there. And I couldn’st sit up, couldn’st wash myself, didn’st really feel like eating. I was in a lot of pain. I was really swollen and not used to being a big person, it was quite horrible to look down and not recognise oneself. You know, having to lie in bed for four days, I don’st do that [laughs]. I’sd love to do it now. But I was lying on a bed that undulated by itself. I think its to stop you getting bedsores. But not being able to push yourself up or reach out for things. Horrible feeling. Just everything is taken away from you.

And obviously I didn’st see my son for four days. Such an odd feeling. I mean not expecting to have the baby so early and then I wasn’st a mother. I was just some useless person lying there. I did have some physio on the fourth day when they finally got me to sit up and I felt really sick [small laugh]. But I couldn’st walk anywhere because I was so wired up to the machines, so I could go about a metre and then I couldn’st move any further. Just the lack of dignity was tremendous. You know, people having to wash you everywhere and I could feed myself eventually, which is good. But they kept saying, you know, you’sll look forward to seeing your son. And I thought what son? What do you mean? Didn’st really mean a lot to me.

So, I was in the High Dependency Unit and two things I remember one, is that I was always thirsty and it was a full ward and I there was only one jug of water and you have to request the nurse to fill up your glass. Because it was so busy and I knew I just wanted water, it wasn’st that big a deal.

I felt bad asking you know pressing the button every time. And so there were points when I, you know, my throat was completely parched but I just didn’st want to be a nuisance. But you know if there was a jug next to me I could have helped myself. But it did make me think, ‘Oh I couldn’st understand why there are all these reports about old people’s homes and older people getting to a point where they’re so dehydrated that they fall ill or they die,’ because you know no-one wants to be that nuisance and they were very, very busy nurses. You know I don’st want to discredit them in any way because they were doing a fine job. And then the second thing I remember was the fact that I’ve always had sinus problems and I don’st know whether that was the cause, but every time I started to drift off to sleep naturally, all the alarms would go off on my monitor to say that my breathing had slowed down to a dangerous point. And so that would wake me up; the nurses would come round and again I felt like a nuisance because it’s just my sinuses being bad. And so I remember not sleeping at all after surgery. Well, I didn’st sleep for a couple of hours and then I woke up and the ward seemed to be a lot emptier, so people must have been discharged whilst I was asleep. There was one new lady next to me and I could hear the entire conversation between her and her family; they were describing her birth it sounded horrific. I remember writing a handover note to work. So I gave birth at 3.58am and I was writing a handover note at six something, and I thought, ‘I’d better do this before I forget; before I forget what I’ve been working on and all my passwords. And then I was just lying there I guess waiting for my husband to turn up because they can’t stay. The nurses were great. Later on they said they could put me in a side room if I needed to sleep because we explained how I wasn’st being I wasn’st able to. But then I was worried if I was away from the main ward it would be even harder to get water and it would be even further for them to walk to switch off all my monitors when my sinuses got in the way.

And so my husband, because he has insurance, managed to get me into the private wing where things improved a lot.