At the beginning I was absolutely, I wanted to die, honestly, I really, really did. Obviously I couldn’t because I have got responsibilities but I would have been happy to die.

Yeah. And how was your health? Afterwards you felt really exhausted?

Yes. I was really tired.

Really down?

Yes.

How was your health?

I developed eczema. I have never had eczema before in my life but it was all over me knees. My hair started coming out [laughs] and I went to the doctor and she gave me some antidepressants which I have stopped taking because I don’t think I am depressed. I think I am actually grieving which is a different thing isn’t it. And for about I don’t know about four or five weeks I found it really, really hard going out. Really difficult going out of the door. I didn’t want to speak to anybody. Everybody was ringing me up saying can we do this, come for tea, come for a drink, come out with us because you don’t want to be in on your own. But all that I wanted was really to be on me own. That is it. I didn’t want anybody else at all.

So after about, I don’t know three or four weeks, I was finding it really, really difficult and I was, everything was all over, you know the funeral was over and I was just really, really struggling. So I phoned up and I was given a counsellor who is an absolute star and she asked me whether I would rather she visit me or I go there, to the hospital. Well my little boy has got a dentist appointment there in September so I thought well it is better that I go back before this or else I will be in a right state won’t I on the day. So that is what I did and we visited Intensive Care. And it was really, really good actually. It was really therapeutic really to go back up into, and visit everybody, you know and to see everybody. It was nice.

Yes. And what kind of things have you been able to discuss with the counsellor that’s helpful for you?

Everything, everything. And the advantage is that my counsellor used to be a sister on Intensive Care. So I mean you don’t have to start explaining everything to her, you don’t have to say well he was given this drug but I don’t know what it was for or what it was called and he had this thing in his neck but I don’t know what it was there for. She knows it all. And she has been there before many, many, many times. And, I don’t know, I could just discuss, I don’t know the fact that I felt guilty and would he have got better if I had done this, and would he have got better if he had gone to the doctors earlier. Well she has got a medical background obviously. And she had read his files and she looked at the scans and she can tell me things that make me feel better.

And you found it really helpful. How have you changed since the sessions in terms of being able to go out and you know you wanted to be by yourself. Has that changed or is it still a very gradual thing?

Well I am back at work. And there are days that are still really, really bad. You know there are days when I think I can’t be bothered, you know just go away [laughs] but I don’t know, she has given me back a bit of enthusiasm. And made me sort of understand that my husband was very outgoing and he was very enthusiastic about things and he would expect better of me. Do you know what I mean? He would expect me to embrace everything that I have got. So, that is what I am trying to do.

There are days when there is this black cloud. But it might be a song that comes on the radio. It was actually three days ago, I went into my sons bedroom and I hadnt actually noticed but his helmet from his bike was on the floor. And I just picked it up and I just went into complete, I was almost inconsolable. I was sobbing, holding this helmet and I thought, what am I crying for? Am I crying because hes gone? Am I crying that he should be here? I really dont know but it was, it happened. It was good. I put the helmet down, I sat in his room for a while and I came out and I wiped my tears away. And I got on and I dont remember what I did but I didnt have any more to relate to that incident, and that is fine. Whatever you do dont ever hide it. If you feel that you have gotta let that out and you wanna, you have got to just cry. Its all very, you cant be this brick all the time. You have to let it go.

I do feel to keep occupied, to have a purpose in life, you know, whatever it is. A hobby is very, very, it can be anything , you know, I mean it doesnt have to be golf or tennis or swimming, I dont mean to be anything like that, but just have an interest in life because its not doing anybody, yourself, or the person that youve lost any good by just sitting down and crying. And also you have to be careful when youre talking to other people that you make the same mistake by keep bringing the subject up because in the end you can lose friends by keep repeating yourself all the time about the person you love. They know that youve lost somebody. They know how close you were. They know that. You dont want to be in this situation but you are, so to keep permanently reminding that person all the time that, you know, Ive lost somebody and what am I gonna do? And how am I gonna get through this? And how am I gonna cope? Is just no good, they dont wanna hear this, the average person. And I do truly believe youll get on in life better, youll meet more people if you can be more positive because, even though you do meet different people through your life that dont know your tragedy, if you can just sort of skirt it and just tell them thats whats happened, they have a picture in their mind that youve had this person, youve loved them, youve lost them and by making another conversation with them youll have a better relationship with the people.

Because it happened just before Christmas it was a very, very, very difficult time, but for the rest of the family we tried to be as strong as we could. The worst possible time, and I would never hide that from anybody, was sitting at the table and having that empty space. That was really bad, it was a really, a really bad time. And I just dont know what to say to anybody to better that because it happened just before Christmas. We actually didnt do any cards, we didnt do any presents to one another, we just couldnt do it. It was a day that we knew we had to get through whereas it had always been a lovely time. Wed always had lots of friends over, Christmas Day was a big dinner time and listened to the Queens speech but we didnt even do any of that. We tried to do so many different things. We actually didnt have the traditional Christmas Dinner. We all had our favourite food, which in a strange sort of way quite helped. So there was seven of us round the table and everybody had different food. And one of the things I must say about that was, instead of it being a traditional Christmas Dinner which is just one, probably the turkey and all the roast bits that go with it, because there was seven different meals, its rather like being in a restaurant kitchen. So everybodys dinner was prepared and so you were busy, thats the way I thought would be good, so whereas my husband had a steak and I think I had a lamb chop, and so on through the family, it was cooked at different times, it was prepared at different times and actually we tried to make quite fun of it. We were trying to say, Oh this is what they do in the restaurant.

So Christmas came and went. New Year was a very hard time too, but the thing we did, we were with some very close friends and we actually didnt have the television on or the radio on. It was just another day, we didnt celebrate at midnight and I truly believe thats how we got through it, with these friends. It was a lovely evening but we didnt have the necessity, I felt only in my heart that I was leaving that year that Id lost my son behind and I was going into a fresh year. I wanted it to be a continuation so that I still now feel that he hasnt gone in a different year, hes still with us somewhere. And that really helped my husband, it actually helped our friends who were very close to my son. They were the godparents, and they thought it was really nice so thats just a tip for somebody.

Mothers Day and Fathers Day is another big hurdle and I think that will probably, will be with you. Theres not a lot we can do about that. Im not a very keen person on that I dont like, because it happens to be Mothers Day the whole world does it, why not have Mothers Day any day. Just because they say it out there and just because theres a lot of cards in the shop, Im not very keen on that. So if you can try and get over that one, thats only how I dealt with that situation. Of course as yet I havent had the anniversary so thats another hurdle to go but try and make it as a nice, remembering as rather than it being sad. Again try and take the selfishness out of it again. So there are hurdles, there are massive hurdles and theres no right or wrong from it at all. You have to just do whatever it, everybody again is different, but these are just some of the little tips that I could try and pass on to somebody.

And again, you know, we have Easter, everybody has Easter again, the Easter eggs, the cards, dont make a big thing about it. Just its another day really, just another day, and if you can look on it like that and be thankful that youre just here for yet another day in your life.

It is awful. And there isn’t any escaping that. It is awful. And you think that you have got years and years and years of loneliness in front of you. So the advice that I would give would be to find things that you do enjoy and build on what you have got. And also to take it easy, you know, don’t expect everything to feel better instantly because it just isn’t going to happen. And even – well there is always I think, there is going to be days when you just feel absolutely grim, but as time does go on, those days aren’t every day, you know.

Do you think much about the future or is your main concern to kind of get through week by week?

Straight after he died it was getting through day by day but now I am starting to think of the future. Yes. I want him to be proud of me, that is what I always think, would be proud of me.