What about the children? You said they would be devastated?

Yeah absolutely devastated yes. They were very close to Grandma, very close to Grandma and I think when they’re young, they just, I don’t think they think anyone’s going to die anyway, do they really?

No.

And I mean she used to look after them, and then that was all taken away really, because it’s their only grandma as well.

So did you support them or did you have to find some outside help?

No I
You sort of looked after them?

Yes, because, yes like I say I think I took that motherly instinct on my side and looked after them and saw them through it, and we’ve, we talk about her still and they have chuckles I’ll say, Oh Grandma would’ve liked that

Yes.

And
Do they like that, bringing her name up?

Yes, a lot, lots yes, yes lots, yeah we bring her up a lot anyway, you know, Christmas she used to always do the stockings, Christmas stockings. So last year they said, We’re not going to have any stockings now are we Because she used to buy them [the children] loads and loads of little bits and pieces, and I said, Yes you will, but you won’t get as much as Grandma used to put in them

But yes, they’re alright now. Again they, you know, go through it don’t they, I think they found it very hard, the cause of it again.

And the thought of a fire to a child.

Frightening.

Yes, and obviously I didn’t let them see the flat or anything either, but you know they thought, Well did she burn

And she didn’t, and I said, No she definitely, there was no, she didn’t burn in it whatsoever, it was, she was choked with the smoke, there was no burning on her But I think they think of this roaring fire and you know, what you see on the telly, people are trying to, I said, It wasn’t like that And they don’t know all the details, I just said that she was in her bed.

And she, you know, fell asleep obviously the smoke, she just didn’t wake up again. So I think you have to do that too, I think you shouldn’t have to tell them all the truth.

If you’re trying to protect them on that, they don’t need to know that really.

Did you get special help for your daughter from anyone else?

Yes they were, yes the school has been absolutely fantastic, I can’t praise them enough. But I went through a very, very difficult phase that coming, that winter, the first winter, and the first Christmas was very difficult. My daughter developed real bad behavioural problems, I couldn’t cope, she had a bit of counselling off what is it called now? I think it’s called the Best Team, B E S T, it’s Behavioural Education Support Team, and a lady came and paid a few home visits, but she didn’t really get a great deal out of that really, it was just, it was a long haul that we had to go through. There was no way of going round, round it; there was no easy cure, it just, time had to just heal my daughter a little bit.

I didn’t sleep for a couple of days, and my main concern, I believe, at the time was my children, my girls.

Of course.

Because they were completely traumatised, as was my mother. So a lot of my energy was like trying to, to sort them out and I dealt with myself after.

Did you get any professional help for them at the time?

Yes, at the time, yes, we got some very good counselling at one of the local centres which was arranged by our family liaison officers – we had two, a male and a female [officer], who were absolutely brilliant. And they did everything really for us, and arranged some counselling which they [the children] probably got about two weeks after Ben’s death.

The youngest went to group counselling. She was only four at the time and there were lots of little children there that had lost either a parent or a sibling, mainly through terminal illness. And basically she just, it was just, I think, to get her out of the family home. She did crayoning and, and you drew pictures of the person that you’d loved and lost. She was on the floor doing crayoning and things like that. It wasn’t one to one, whereas with the older girl she had one to one counselling with a lady and that was for about eight weeks where she talked about her feelings and did a memory book.

Did that help her?

It did help her, yes, yes.

Again, was that organised by the police?

Yes, it was all organised by them. it’s private counselling. Very difficult to get on the NHS they said, there was a very big waiting list.

How are the girls? Are they alright?

My elder daughter’s actually just restarted some counselling. She was eight, nearly nine when she lost her brother and she’s now 14 and doing very, very well at school but last couple of months have been very tearful.

I think it’s because she’s getting to the age now where she’s realising how much Ben has missed out on. And I spoke to a local paediatrician who I know and he said it’s very common for a child that’s had a very traumatic experience, for things to sometimes manifest themselves during teenage years. it’s all the hormones and everything going on. So she’s been seeing a bereavement counsellor. She saw her last week and she’s seeing her again in January.

Is that organised by the National Health Service?

Yes.

So you haven’t got to pay for that?

No.

Oh that’s good.

No. And yes they’re alright.

Did you find any other help from the Internet?

I can’t remember the name of it now. I found one for my children. It was a sibling website. I can’t remember the name, it escapes me. And I got my daughters to go on it. And that was children, all under 16, sharing their experiences.

Did she find that helpful?

Yes, yes, very much. The elder one did. Yes, she met a couple of young girls on there that had lost a sibling, so yes. Winston’s Wish, that was it. Yes.

I didn’t tell my youngest for a month that he had a baby sister because I was worried about her dying, and I didn’t want to have to explain again
ecause I’d been very straight with my youngest.

How old was he at that stage?

Two and a half.

Quite tiny.

Yes. You know, we explained death, well, first of all we said they’d gone away and then we realised that was wrong.

And then we started saying, using the word they, they were dead. And we were told, you know, if you’re upset don’t go walking away, tell him why you’re upset. So I would say, you know, Mummy’s upset because she misses the childre. . And he’d say, Oh yes, and daddy And I’d, of course I’d have to say, Yes, and daddy

What helped you prepare, who helped you with how you should tell your other child what had happened? Did you get any professional help?

The GP offered to book him in on Jeremiah’s Journey. And I said, That’s great So they came out after a couple of weeks and had a quick chat with him and with me.

they’re childhood bereavement counsellors are they?

Yes.

And they just said, you know, You do whatever’s right, that you feel is right

And I told them what I was doing. They said, Yes that’s fin. And slowly, bit by bit, he’s been getting more information. I never intend demonising his father, because it is his father, biological father.

And now he knows for example it was a fire He doesn’t know that the rest of it.

He doesn’t know who did it, and he doesn’t know that it wasn’t just the fire.

And things like that. But, you know, it makes him aware and he says, you know, Oh my brother and my sister and my daddy died in the fire He’s very matter of fact. And then he wants to go off and play with Scooby-Doo.

You know. But he rarely mentions them, but whenever he does I’ll ask him if he wants to talk about them.

And he doesn’t really want to. He’s not, he’s not, he just says, Well I feel sad

And you say, OK I mean, he was having some serious night terrors which concerned me. He was also coming back from school and saying, Well I’m going to kill you And that was really, really hurting all of us.

But, call Jeremiah’s Journey, they were there the following day and they said, Look, it’s perfectly natural his age, he’s going to hear it, you’re just more sensitive to it, don’t worr. And, you know, he’s, he’s all right, he’s doing really, really well. As he keeps telling me, he’s very brave [laughs]. As he is [laughs].

Wonderful.

[Laughs] He is. Yeah. And he adores his little sister which
That’s good.

s good, yes.