Helen - Interview 04

I did mainly get a lot of information off the Internet, mainly from the Macmillan website and Pancreatic UK. But my, my consultants and their doctors were absolutely fantastic. When I was first, when I first started to go to the main hospital to see the surgical team, there was, the registrar at the time, who we saw mostly, was absolutely wonderful. He explained everything in great detail, took loads of time to explain things to us. And if we asked questions he always answered them really well. So we, we always knew exactly what was what and what was going on and what to expect. He never left anything out. He was wonderful. So we got a lot of information off him. And he did give us a booklet, with a diagram of what was going to be taken from me when I had the operation, and he, he’d scribbled on that for us to show us exactly, which was really quite helpful, scary, but helpful.

 

 

Yes, I was given leaflets about the chemo trial and about the side effects, possible problems  that you could have during chemotherapy. But you get that with anything nowadays. I mean you open a box of tablets nowadays and there’s always a big list of possible side effects, but you don’t actually get them in the end. Very few people I think suffer severe side effects.

 

 

Oh, very useful. I don’t think I could have got through it as well as I did without the information that I got off the Internet and the people that I spoke to on the Internet as well, people who had been through it. There was one lady in particular; her sister had just had the Whipple’s while I was waiting to have mine. And her sister was absolutely wonderful, gave me in great detail how her sister had, what her sister had gone through with her operation, so that I knew what to expect, which was what I wanted. Some people don’t want that. Some people like to just bury their head in the sand and, and not know. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know every tube that was going to go into my body, what I was going to expect after the operation. It didn’t scare me. I felt empowered I suppose, because I knew what I was going to be, what was going to be happening. Nothing was going to be a surprise or a shock.

 

 

I just did, I just kept searching in the search engines really under pancreatic cancer headings, usually, or Whipple’s, which was the operation. And that would bring up a wealth of sites to look at. And it was just a case of going through the sites one by one, trawling through them and seeing what they were and how they worked, and just negotiating my way through them really.

 

 

Yes.

 

 

Yes.

 

Because of, I had a blockage, apparently, in my bile duct and they couldn’t see, it was all very clouded, so they couldn’t tell me for certain whether something was there. They did a test, not a test, a procedure called ERCP, where they put a tube down, and they can see everything, they can explore it to see what’s there. Because of the blockage they couldn’t get all the way. But they did put a little stent in to help clear the [bile duct], so that there was a clear path for the bile to go through, which cleared my jaundice then, which was a difficult, I found it a difficult procedure, because you, although they sedate you while you’re, while you’re having it done, you are aware of it, especially towards the end of what they’re doing. And it was quite painful afterwards. So I was in pain for quite a while after the procedure. But the jaundice did clear thankfully, because they’d got the stent in place.

 

 

I had that procedure. And unfortunately after the procedure I got pancreatitis, which was very bad, and I was very, very poorly. They were giving me antibiotics intravenously. I think they stopped me, I couldn’t, I wasn’t allowed to drink or eat, and they also catheterised me at one point, because they needed to monitor my input and output, which was very important. They were constantly doing observations, temperature, pulse, blood pressure etc. Things were quite tricky. And it wasn’t till I was really on the mend that the surgeon actually said to me, came to see me, my consultant, and he said, “We were very, very worried about you.” And he said, “Do you know what I mean?”

 

 

I did. Yes, it was, it was very nasty. It took quite a while to get rid of it. But once that was on the mend, I was fine and I was back up on my feet and, and I could go home then. But it was a case of waiting then to see a specialist in the field of pancreatic cancer.

 

 

They did, yes. But it was inconclusive again. They couldn’t really get to it properly to, to get a good biopsy. So that was, it was all very, although I was told, on more than one occasion in hospital, that they suspected it was going to be a tumour, they couldn’t, they couldn’t say, “Yes, it was definitely.” They could only say, “It’s more than likely going to be.”

 

As I say, it was a long operation. Ten hours. Once they’ve done the operation, I was taken to High Dependency for 24 hours, well, Intensive Care really. And when, you, you have a lot of tubes and drips and drains attached to you. I had tubes in my neck which they could draw blood off for tests, regularly. I had drips in both hands. I had a catheter in, two drains in my abdomen to get rid of all the excess fluid following the operation, and a big, big dressing on my abdomen. 

 

I mean it, you, it feels like you’ve been hit by a train basically. I found it very, very difficult to move. I couldn’t even pull myself up in bed. You feel very, very drained basically. You, you know, it’s very difficult to, to be alert and know what’s going on around you, you just kind of sleep through it for the first 48 hours. It wasn’t, I didn’t find it particularly painful. They did have me on a morphine pump, which I could press whenever I needed it. But I didn’t use it very often. And I did actually get told off once or twice, because I was told, you know, “You must use it, you must use it. You need it.” And I said, “But I, I haven’t got pain.” So I wasn’t worried about that. It was more the moving that, I didn’t like it. They got me out of bed the next day and that was very, very hard. Standing up was, was very difficult and I couldn’t stay upright for long.

 

 

I didn’t actually. I should have had, but a tablet had been given to me too late the night before. So the anaesthetist decided just to put me on the morphine pump instead. He had me agree to it first, you know, made sure I was okay with it, which I was. Which actually I was quite relieved about because I didn’t like the idea of an epidural in my back. So when he said a morphine pump I was like, “Yes, that’s fine. I’m okay with that.” 

 

 

I really only started taking it properly about six months ago. I hadn’t needed it post op, which I think was quite unusual, as most people do take Creon almost immediately. But I found that I wasn’t really having digestive problems. I was having a few problems with my, with wind basically and, and I started getting bouts of diarrhoea, which when I asked the registrar about at one, at one of my appointments, he said it was because I wasn’t taking enough Creon. And at that time I was only really taking it when I felt that I needed it. So he recommended that I start taking it with everything that I eat, and take more of it as well. You can take as many as you need basically of Creon. And they’re capsules, and they just help the food, they help your system to digest food so that it’s disposed of normally, basically. And it, and it does help a great deal. But I, I am finding now that I’m having to take more and more. If I don’t take them then I’d go back to having diarrhoea again.

 

 

They do come in different doses. My dose, they’re 40,000 units, but they do 10,000 units as well I believe. I think it’s used in different conditions as well. So I suppose, pancreatic seems to be the 40,000 dose.

 

 

More than one actually. I can take as many as I need, as many as I think I need. It depends on what you’re eating. If you’re eating a particularly fatty meal or spicy, or, you know, with onions in or something, then I do tend to take about three or four with that meal.

 

 

It was ESPAC.

 

 

E S P A C.

 

 

Basically they don’t know which chemotherapy works better on my cancer, my type of cancer, or pancreatic cancer in general actually. So they, they are, they do have chemotherapy trials at the moment where they’re trying to, they have people, different people on the trial, those who already have pancreatic cancer or those like me who have had the Whipple’s operation and are cancer free and therefore want to prevent cancer recurring. They, they split it into, was it two categories or three? And you, you, it’s randomised basically. They, they put all your details into the computer and the computer selects which part of the trial you will be put on. And I was told that I would either be selected for no chemo at all or this one particular chemo, which, there were two different chemo modes that you could be selected for. 

 

At the time I kind of, because of everything I’d been through I wasn’t really in a rush to go and put myself forward for this. But I knew that I had to give myself every chance to survive. So I agreed to go on the trial. And part of me, a big part of me actually, hoped I was going to get the no chemo arm [laugh]. Which was really daft, but I think it was, I’d had enough. I just couldn’t bear the thought of more needles, more treatment. So it was, it was really, really hard to, to do that. I was only just recovering from the operation and I, I just felt that I wasn’t ready really to, to go and do this. But everyone reassured me, you know, that it would be fine. And so I was put forward for it. They randomised it, and I was selected for the chemo. And apparently the chemo trial co-ordinator and the Macmillan nurse were taking bets before I went to the hospital how I would react [laugh]. And one of them correctly, guessed correctly that I would be a bit, you know, “Oh, no.” Which I was. But at the same time I was happy really because I knew that this was a good thing to do. I had, I wanted to be sure that, you know, I’d done everything possible. I didn’t want to live to regret not having had the chemotherapy. So I went into it willingly in the end.

 

 

I was on gemcitabine chemo.

 

 

Just gemcitabine, yes. There was, the three arms were no chemo, gemcitabine was the second arm, and the third arm was gemcitabine and capecitabine. So I got the one. Which I was quite relieved about really because it was a bit less intense than the gemcitabine and capecitabine would have been.

 

 

Almost immediately really. Within, within a couple of weeks they’d started it. And it was six months’ treatment.

 

So I went to see her again and she recommended another trial. Chemo again. Because again they don’t know what works on pancreatic cancer well. So this was a different trial that they were going to put me on this time. And there were again three arms to this trial.

 

 

It’s called TeloVac. That’s T E L O vac. Which is the same chemotherapy as on the ESPAC trial, but the TeloVac includes a vaccine, if you’re selected for the vaccine, which they are trialling at the moment. They don’t know how well that works with the chemo. And I was put forward for that again. And I was selected to have the chemo only, not the vaccine. Which wasn’t a bad thing really, because at this stage they don’t know if the vaccine works or even if it interacts with the chemo or if it actually blocks the chemo. So in a way I was quite happy that I wasn’t getting the vaccine. Whereas the two chemos together, the results have been quite promising so far.

 

 

It’s gemcitabine and capecitabine again.

 

 

I started that in May I think this year. I’ve been on it nine months, last year, sorry. I’ve been on it for nine months now.

 

 

It’s the same as last time. Once a week for three weeks, and then I have a week’s break. And that basically, I’m on that for the rest of my life basically. It, it’s quite, it’s more of a, I’ve forgotten the word now.

 

 

No, palliative. It, it’s helping to keep the tumours at bay and keep me alive basically. If I didn’t have the chemo, I’d have no chance whatsoever. It would just be a case of time. Whereas at the moment it, it’s doing really, really well. We’re very pleased. I’m actually down to two secondaries because it’s actually got rid of one of them. Whether for good, we don’t know. But there’s every chance that it has actually killed one of them off. So we’re keeping our fingers crossed it’s going to kill the other two as well.

 

In 2008, I finished the chemo round about April. I was back to normal more or less really. I was working, as I said, coping with chemo. That was fine, doing everything that I would normally do. We had a couple of holidays. And life was really getting back to normal. We were doing lots of work on the house. So I felt like I had my life back. Cancer had been, had been, gone, dealt with, and that was fine. So 2008, we had a really good year, especially when the chemo finished. Once the chemo finished my, my energy levels rose and I felt normal basically. My scar was fine. I was having no problems with that. No problems with my digestive system at that point. I wasn’t taking Creon. I didn’t need it. 

 

We got to the end of the year and we were coming up to Christmas, and I was starting to feel a little bit tired, but not majorly tired. And again I was putting it down to work, being back at work and Christmas coming up, and didn’t really worry about it. But then over Christmas I found it very, very hard and I was more and more tired again, feeling exhausted again and I was getting really worried. And, oh, I knew I was due to see my consultant again in February, so I just thought, you know, “I’ll wait and speak to him in February.” But by the first week in January, I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I was getting really worried. And I emailed the chemo trial co-ordinator, who was absolutely wonderful, along with the Macmillan nurse, gave us loads of support, was there at the end of the phone if ever we wanted to speak to her. And I just emailed her and I, and I said, “Look, I’m not feeling right. I can’t put my finger on it, but I just know something’s not right. I’m tired again. And there’s a niggle there that won’t go away. Do you think I should bring my appointment forward?”

 

 

The tiredness, just generally not feeling right again. So she emailed me back and she said, “Yes.” She said, “It’s probably nothing but I’ll have your appointment brought forward and bring you in.” So she did that, and I went in about four weeks sooner than I should have done. And I explained to the doctor I saw on the day, how I was feeling. And again because there was nothing specific and I couldn’t, you know, say for sure that something wasn’t right. I just knew I wasn’t feeling well. And he said, “Well, I don’t think it’s going to be anything.” He said, “They are a bit vague.” He said, “But just in case, we’ll send you for a scan.”

 

 

Medical staff again were lovely too. We, we cannot fault any of the medical staff throughout the whole experience, from the consultant down to the auxiliaries on the ward. Everybody was absolutely wonderful. They never made me feel unimportant or that anything was, you know, if I was being a nuisance or… They listened to me. They gave me direct answers. They never hid anything from me. And they were always there basically. I never felt that they weren’t. And I never felt left out of it or that I wasn’t being told something. Which was good because I, I’d always said that I wanted to, you know, I just wanted them to tell me straight, anything, you know. I didn’t want anything hidden…

 

 

No, no, they were all generally singing from the same hymn sheet. I never, I never, I never felt uncomfortable with them. I always felt that they knew what they were telling me and what they were doing.

 

So I went for my CT scan again. And a couple of weeks later, oh, I hadn’t, well, I hadn’t, I didn’t hear anything for about three weeks actually, and I was starting to relax then because I thought, “Oh, well, it can’t have been anything. Not heard anything. It must be fine. They would have let me know by now.”

 

And I’d been out for the day with my sister and she’d said the same to me, you know, “Have you heard anything?” And I said, “No.” I said, “So I assume everything’s okay.” I’d had an appointment made to see the consultant, but it was cancelled for some reason and another one was made for the following week. But then when I got home that day there was a, a message on my answer phone from the Macmillan nurse, asking me to ring him, which I did. I was, I was a little bit, you know, I thought, “Oh, that’s a bit strange.” So I rang him up and, you know, I said, “It’s Helen, is everything okay?” And he said, he said, he asked me how I was at the time, you know, and just general conversation. And I knew, deep down I knew there was a reason why he was ringing and I was thinking, “Just get to the point, get to the point. Please, just get to the point.” And he finally said, “Look Helen.” He said, “I wouldn’t normally do this.” He said, “But I feel that we’re friends and we know each other well now.” Because I’d, I’d had a lot to do with the hospital. I’d been involved in a press launch and things. He said, “And I wouldn’t normally do this over the phone but I know that you can take it. You, you know, you’re, you’re quite sensible”, he said, “But something’s shown up on your scan.” And I said, “Oh.” I said, “And I thought there was a reason you were ringing.” I said, “Go on. What?” So he just said, “There’s a shadow.” He said, “We don’t know at this stage what it is.” He said, “But it’s quite possibly a secondary.” I said, “Right, okay.” I said, “So what now then?” He said, “Well, we’ve made you an appointment. Come in and see the consultant, and they’ll discuss it more with you.” So I said, “Okay.” So anyway we went off the phone and I thought, “Oh.” So I had a bit of a cry.

 

 

On my, on my liver. I rang my sister straight away and told her. So she was upset obviously. And my husband, I didn’t tell straight away, because he was in work and I didn’t want him getting upset in work and then driving home, because it was quite a long drive. So I waited till he got home before I told him. So he was a little bit taken aback. But he was kind of philosophical about it and, “Well, we’ve done it once. We’ll beat it again” you know, kind of thing. So he was like, “We, we, we’ll deal with it. Don’t worry about it.” And I kind of, I kind of agreed with him, but at the same time I felt that that was it. It was back and this time it was going to try and get me. So that was, I, I did find it, that was more shocking to me than the first time. It, it, it was more frightening, far more frightening than the first time. So it was very difficult.