I think the main impact is the stress it causes, the guilt you feel and the sort of helplessness as to how do I deal with this because really I don’t know why shes done it so how do I deal with it and that I think is probably the worst feeling. What the hell am I supposed to do to make sure she doesn’t do it again [sniffs] and to help her out of whatever place shes in. Is it that shes feeling that low that it’s a, you know, it’s she wants to end things or is it theres some other mental health issue and it is that not knowing and not knowing what to do about it that is so quite crippling. So I have to say I think I’ve probably been trying not to think about it too much.

In hindsight I look back and think, yeah, actually maybe I should have pushed sooner for psychiatric evaluation. But as a parent you don’t, it’s when you know your child has learning difficulties and they’re sort of, they have difficulty socialising and things, you, they’re seeing educational psychologists, you know, throughout their education you think maybe this is a normal part of being like slightly sort of autistic or on the Asperger’s spectrum kind of thing or that sort of thing.

But where does the line come between that and other mental health issues and, as a parent, you try and you do try and say, My child is normal. It’s not socially acceptable to say, My child is odd. Theres something different about them. You accept that theres something a bit different but they’re normal for that category or that category and it is very, well, I, as a parent, think it is very difficult to say wheres that line between socially inept or, you know, Asperger’s, autism, you know, and all the degrees of different. Well, they’re classed as learning difficulties and [sighs] well, I just find it very, very difficult to say, where is that line and when, as a parent, should you assess it to say, she needs psychiatric evaluation.

You know, and they’ve seen educational psychologists and stuff because of their learning difficulties I think I just thought well, if they thought something was odd they would have then said, Well, maybe we need a psychiatric evaluation as well. But nobody ever suggested it so you sort of don’t think of it, if that makes sense.

She said it was because she had stomach pains and it just wasn’t going but it ended up being sort of a small overdose but clearly shes quite angry about a lot of things from her childhood and growing up. She does have difficulty dealing with them because she does have learning difficulties, social difficulties. I would say shes on the autistic spectrum. She also academically finds studies very difficult. So that was really I think the beginning of sort of self-harming sort of thing and I don’t know whether it was an intentional self-harm. I could never get to the bottom of it. She then said she was fine. She didn’t mean to hurt herself. She didn’t want to die. She wasn’t trying to do anything like that so we left it and moved on.

For the first evening, when asked, she just responded with, I don’t know. Until something was said about her dad and then she said, Oh yeah, I’m very upset about things my dad said to me. Well, yeah, he said some unpleasant things but often if she wants a scapegoat and, you know, you learn to read your children. Yes, sometimes shell do things because shes upset about what’s said and you, theres a manner she has when shes upset about something hes said in the past and shell talk to me about it. But this was one of those times when it didn’t seem to quite ring true. It just seemed to be, That way people will stop asking me why I’ve done it. And so I mean, I think I even said to the doctor that night, I don’t know what to feel because I’m at a loss as to why shes done it. I just cannot work out what’s going on inside her head in order to make her do this.

I really don’t know what’s going on in her head because it so much was out of the blue. It wasn’t shes been having trouble with this or, you know, something had been troubling her, you know, and building up. It was just out of the blue and I, you know, the next day when I said things to her about why did she do it, she came out with different, Oh, I was feeling really low. Or, I was just testing myself to see how strong I am. And, you know, there were several other reasons and when you don’t know why somebody has done it, you think, Well, will they do it again.

In all honesty, with this one, I’ve I have at times looked up mental health issues but I think theres so many confusing issues with regard to my daughter because shes got the learning difficulties, you know, the social issues already, I think, you know, trying to assess whether she has some other mental health issue or not is something, that’s something slightly beyond me at the moment. That since this latest incident I’ve had flu, you know, and a couple of weeks more than that, you know, flu, Christmas, New Year, things have been slightly busy, you know. If we weren’t seeing a psychiatrist until the end of March, yes, I would start looking at things and start thinking, I want to start finding out but because I know the first psychiatrist appointment is at the end of January so only a couple of weeks away, it then gives me think, look, I know the next couple of weeks in my life are really busy, I’m actually just going to say, okay. We well see what they say.

Well see what their response is. If it’s a non-starter, yes, then I’ll start looking at things but, hopefully, they’ll say, Well, we can’t say at the moment. I need to see her for, you know, further appointments. Or whatever I’m sort of reasonably happy at the moment to leave it in their hands to see where we progress to, rather than start trying to go off, look things up on the internet because there is so much out there that is a complete pile of rubbish that I’d rather say, right, okay. Well leave it, leave it to the experts for the time being. If I feel like they are not making progress, yes, I will go and start making my own investigations and what have you but well leave it until then.

How have the other children reacted?

The youngest is sort of not really said or done anything about it. She wasn’t affected in the same sort of way. The older one of the two younger ones has been quite angry. It’s like, you know, Why have you done it? You’re not. You know, she can’t see a good reason for it and she just saw it as, you know, You’ve made life difficult for mum and the rest of us. Why? You know, and to her it seemed a very, very selfish thing to do and, you know, we can all understand that perspective and so shes quite angry about it, won’t talk about it, well, hasn’t really talked about it very much since. I mean I’ve tried to say, Well, sometimes when people get down, that’s what they do. They’re not trying to be selfish but, you know, and were going to go and see somebody to see if we can get her some help so that it doesn’t happen again and, you know, well maybe resolve some of her issues.

But I mean they didn’t have the best relationship beforehand so, you know, the eldest, you know, as I said, she is academically weak. She has difficulties with things. The younger ones both are academically very able and so theres all sorts of issues that go on between them and the usual sibling rivalry of bickering and loveliness.

Because, you know, who can I talk to about it because that’s a difficult one because you don’t want to share some of the issues because you want to make sure you only share with somebody, who’s not going to share it with all and sundry, because it’s quite personal. I wouldn’t want to sort of what do I say, break my daughter’s confidence, you know, because, you know, and you also have to judge somebody as to how they’re going to react to somebody having a mental health issue. Because some people are like, well, you know, I’ve heard somebody talk about, you know, suicide is a very selfish thing. Well, yeah, on the one hand it is a very selfish thing but to just sweepingly say, you know, People only commit suicide if they’re being selfish. Is something quite, you know, in my opinion, very wrong. Theres huge amounts more issues to do with it and, you know, to say that to quite a large crowd of young people, I was horrified when I heard somebody saying that. So it’s not necessarily, you know, it it’s a very difficult thing to decide who you share it with and who you don’t because you have to know somebody quite well to share it with them. As a parent you want sympathy as to like, Oh my god, I can’t cope with this. And you do, I mean I’ve spent quite a lot of time over those few days crying [sniffs] thinking [sniffs] thinking, What have I done wrong? And really it is quite surprising the reaction from some people. Other people you think oh my god, you know, they’ve reacted exactly how I would have hoped and what have you. And some people I’ve had to tell because, you know, as I said, we were aiming to go away at the New Year and I said, Would it be okay for her to come? And I felt I should give them a reason why and I explained and it, they were brilliant and they were really supportive of me and her, actually, when she came, came with me, you know, to visit them and that was fantastic.

But, you know, I as a parent am reluctant to sort of say too much to many people because you are, you are concerned about what people are going to say to you. Blame you, Well, you’ve obviously failed them as a parent. And you do feel that and it’s horrid. Excuse me. But, you know, I know really it’s not my fault and I know I haven’t done anything wrong as such, you know. We all make mistakes and so yeah, I’m sure I’ve made mistakes but, you know, at the end of the day if you find somebody who hasn’t, you know, I’ll be damned impressed.