And was counselling, did you find counselling helpful?

Absolutely. It changed my life completely. I learnt to talk about everything thatI needed to talk about, and some days we would just go in, I had an hour session every week, sometimes it would just be like talking about what I did today, absolutely nothing about my feelings at all, it was just Me time’ for a whole hour. And some days I’d sit there, I’d just cry, sometimes we’d sit there and just listen to music or whatever, and it was really important for me to get to know me and, you know, I really developed myself through that whole year. And I really, I do miss it, but now I realise that that’s the thing that changed me for the better.

Because I had someone to talk to which I never did before.

And how do you think it changed you for the better?

Well I learnt to talk to everyone, like I wouldn’t be able to sit here and talk to you now unless I’d been there, oh, what else, I have spoken to my Dad, I never used to talk to him about it all, but now I can sit there and I can speak to him, I say, This is how I’m feeling, this is how I want you to deal with it, ad this is how you should be feeling right now if you are my Dad And he’s learnt that, he’s taken that on board now there’s a lot more like compassion between us, like it’s really cool, like I can sit and speak to him if I need to. Whereas I wouldn’t even sit in the same room as him alone like three, four years ago.

My relationship with my boyfriend is a lot better now. Like, I can open up to him a lot more. When we started dating I was like really secretive and depressive all the time. And now we just have so much fun, it’s fabulous. We’re coming up to our three year anniversary next week so that’s brilliant. So I’ve learnt to love me and I’ve learnt to love him as well which is good.

I was not interested in boys, I was not interested in make-up, or high heels, or trying to get into clubs when we’re only 15 years old.

I was just; I had a completely different outlook on life. I just wanted to get somewhere with my life and prove everyone wrong that, you know, a fat person can actually do something good to the world. Like my motto, ever since I changed and ever since I’ve been to counselling was, I will change this world, I will do something that is gonna make me be remembered

I realise you know I’m quite chunky all over but that’s what makes me ‘me. And no matter I’ve been on every single diet known to man, for the entirety of my life trying to make myself slim, but to be honest that just makes me really unhappy because I’m always calorie-counting, always looking at packets, and everybody else is just there enjoying. They can eat as many burgers as they like, I only have to look at a slice of cake or a burger, and I put on about a stone. It’s just the way that our family works, everyone in our family is large, I just have to accept that, you know, the amount of fruit and veg I eat is also important, I suppose, but no matter what I eat I’m always me, and I know I’ve got a big tummy and a huge arse, but, you know, that’s me, and somebody loves me for it so, I don’t have to change for anyone now.

Do you want to try to reduce your weight?

Absolutely yeah, I mean there are some days when I absolutely hate I look in the mirror and think, Oh my God. You need to lose some weight girl. And there are some days when I think, Oh, you look quite cuddly today. You know? And I do want to lose some weight, but I want to do it in a healthy way, I don’t want to lose it by starving myself. Like I’m just, you know, increasing fruit and veg, I’m increasing my exercise levels, you know, instead of slobbing about in bed all the time, I just get up and do something, you know, but it would be me choosing to do that instead of somebody telling me to do it.

I’ve been on every single diet known to man, for the entirety of my life trying to make myself slim, but to be honest that just makes me really unhappy ‘cos I’m always calorie counting, always looking at packets, and everybody else is just there enjoying, they can eat as many burgers as they like, I only have to look at a slice of cake or a burger, and I put on about a stone.

Well my most successful one which was in the deepest pit of depression was the starvation diet, where I didn’t eat anything but an apple every day for six weeks. And I lost nearly three stone doing that. But as soon as I started eating again straight back on plus more. I also did no protein diets, no carbohydrate diets, [sighs] I, my biggest weakness is chocolate [laughs] I eat so much chocolate it’s ridiculous. I quit chocolate for about a month, and I lost weight but I was incredibly unhappy. And I thought, you know, you know, I’ve got to have some chocolate, I don’t care if I’m slightly heavier, so. But the main diet for me was the starvation diet, but, you know, that does absolutely no good to your body at all.

And I learnt the hard way because I got serious problems with my stomach and stuff, then when I started eating again my body wouldn’t digest the food right. And I ended up with like diarrhoea and stuff like that, it was just so painful, and I used to have, I’ve got really bad stomach cramps every time I eat really heavy food now because it just got so damaged at that point.

I realise you know I’m quite chunky all over but that’s what makes me, me. And no matter I’ve been on every single diet known to man, for the entirety of my life trying to make myself slim, but to be honest that just makes me really unhappy cos I’m always calorie counting, always looking at packets, and everybody else is just there enjoying, they can eat as many burgers as they like, I only have to look at a slice of cake or a burger, and I put on about a stone. it’s, [laughs] it’s just the way that our family works, everyone in our family is large, I just have to accept that, you know, the amount of fruit and veg I eat is also important, I suppose, but no matter what I eat I’m always me, and I know I’ve got a big tummy and a huge arse, but, you know, that’s me, and somebody loves me for it so, I don’t have to change for anyone now.

Yeah, when you’re really down and depressed inside you don’t want to hurt other people, so you’re like, Oh yeah I’m absolutely fine, what are you on about? You’re making it all up. I’m absolutely fine And you like rally round and you make out you’ve got loads of friends, like, Oh yeah, so and so called me, we’re going to go out for a drink Or, We’re going to go out and grab a coffee or something like that And then I would end up going out, pretending to meet someone, and actually I’d just be on my own. And I’d just spend a couple of hours out in town on my own, just making sure that my Mum thought I was leading a normal life. So you know, just always smiling all the time. Texting people when you’re not actually texting anyone at all, you’re just constantly doing something with your phone, always on MSN talking to friends. I used to use chat rooms quite a lot, try and make some new friends. But generally weren’t in this country because then I didn’t have to meet up with them and, you know, incorporate them into my sad life.

And so why did you want to keep all this secret from your Mum?

Because my Mum suffers from depression as well, and I didn’t want to make her any worse, and I’ve always had the feeling that your family are there to support you whenever you need them, but to be honest I thought it’s my battle, I’ve got to fight it myself, they don’t need to be involved. And so I’ve always had that, I’ll keep everything to myself I’m always quite a shadowy person, I don’t tell anyone anything, my feelings are always kept to myself.

But then if I was really down and depressed that day, I’d go on a self harm websites, I’d look at eating disorder pages and stuff like that and, like pictures of suicide and self-harm and just like, stuff like that.

There’s graphic pictures on there of how to do it, step by step guides, ways to hurt yourself emotionally, physically, all that, there’s like loads and loads of poetry on there, which teaches you how to hate yourself even more, on the self-harm website there’s nothing good, absolutely nothing good. it’s all a downwards spiral. There’s loads of stories from other people that have experienced self-harm, those who have written their suicide plans. There’s even chatrooms where you can form suicide pacts, so, not good.

And so how were you using these sites?

I was using them graphically not to show my pictures, but to see how other people had self-harmed. I also did join a suicide pact at that point when I was about twelve, however a couple of years’ later I realised that it was a silly idea and I got out of it, but it was a group of four or five of us, all in a suicide pact from Australia, USA and here in England that when one that, something got too bad for all of us then we would because all commit suicide together.

In all of my schools, at my second school there was quite a model image – everyone wanted to be you know the catwalk model – and they were so skinny, they were so tall, they always wore high heels to school even though, you weren’t allowed to. They were always plastered with make-up, and I was at that stage where I really couldn’t be bothered. I was just getting picked on so much, I thought what’s the point in me wearing make-up and high heels, because nobody’s gonna look at me any different? So I was just there in my normal men’s shoes (because I’ve got huge feet) and no make-up on, hair tied into a plait, and then just really studious, and you know – a bit of a loner to be honest. But you know, working made me happy and that’s what I think they didn’t understand, and that’s why I got picked on even more.

So you were quite different in lots of ways in a sense?

Yeah totally. I think without you know bigging myself up, I was one of the most intelligent people in the year, but that probably is because I put the most effort in.

Because I was not interested in boys, I was not interested in make-up, or high heels, or trying to get into clubs when we’re only 15 years old. I was just… I had a completely different outlook on life. I just wanted to get somewhere with my life and prove everyone wrong that, you know, a fat person can actually do something good to the world. Like my motto, ever since I changed and ever since I’ve been to counselling was, I will change this world, I will do something that is gonna make me be remembered

When I was about four it became quite prominent that I was always being picked on about my weight. And I stayed in that school until I was eight years old, it was a mixed school, then I always used to get picked on by the boys all the time, all the time. It was never the girls, just the boys. Then when I was eight, nine years old, I switched to my first proper school, and it just continued there really. Boys were picking on me all the time, and as we grew to about twelve, thirteen, girls became bitches, really bitchy, and just then that’s when it started getting really bad like, I would get quite a lot of physical abuse as well. Getting kicked and punched, and just taunted really. I always used to spend break times and that on my own, or I used to spend it indoors just studying extra, and that’s when my passion for school came in really. But ever since I’ve always been fluctuating with my weight. I’ve never been a skinny girl ever, ever since I was a little girl, I always used to be quite big boned my Mum used to say. But no, I’ve gradually put on weight through my entire life and no matter how many diets, no matter how many fads.