Is it something that well have to do? Because these are all it’s unbelievable that a person like my father had to suffer so much, and for what reason.

What would you have liked to have happened?

Just the way my father actually gone in the hospital. In a second, in front of my mum and in front of my sister. That was it. And I just don’t know why did they revive okay, they revived the heart, fine, but they knew that his brain is gone, why did they put him in a life support? Why? He went in his own way. And then everything boils down, my mum is like, Why did we take him to the hospital? Why did we take him to that hospital? So this why, why, why, why, is never ending. And why he needs to suffer like that, it’s just everybody’s dad is special to them, but my dad was really special. Because he was very happy, he was very content, very happy, never had any regret over anything. So why should we have to regret on every little decision we are making at the moment?

So some of our family members were seeing lots of hope. That yes, we have seen brother opening eyes, we have seen but there is no look into it. We have seen we twisted his finger and he took his hand… so you really need to come to a certain common ground to take a decision. But it is absolutely really, really odd that when immediate family members were you know, they had this view that we should not have the life support, because it is mostly the immediate family members who do not want to take it on. Because we knew, we studied, that it will not get much better. But what to do, what to do? And then you’ll always have to listen in one way or another that, Well, they did not even try, they did not try long enough, you know.

Because I think as well as cultural issue and big family issue, I think here is a gender issue. We all were sisters, daughters need to be emotional and daughters should not take the final decision. People do take I’m not saying that no families the daughters take But as I say that, we were very firm on the third day when we all sat down and we said that we were going to take it off. And I was the one who said that. And it was on the third day that I’m going to sign and let him go. But as time passed and and again daughters should always consult uncles and aunties, husband, everybody, that is one thing. So we could not be firm. It is not possible. Because then- And my mum was very worried that if we take a decision then some people might say that we killed my dad. So my mum was like, No, no… as I told you one day I was very frustrated, I said that I don’t care, I’ll just go and tell the doctor. My mum was like, No, no, no, you should not do anything, you go back and you carry on, we will do let other family members take the decision.

And I do think that if similar thing happened to my husband’s father, my husband is the eldest son, and I think that if he took the decision that I don’t want to keep my father like that everybody would have accepted it.

Has it changed how you think about your own life and your own death?

All. Everybody in our family, they all say it to each other and they all are ready to write it down. That, yes, if there is an operation, if you have an operation and you need life support for that reason, for a temporary reason, it’s okay. But if you have a stroke and if you have a massive heart attack, never, never ever put anybody in the life support. Because it drains, it drains absolutely you even lose the capacity to mourn. You even lose the capacity to grieve, because there is no grieving left. And people, people started coming to see and they started grieving, and then after one, two, three months, everybody left, because life needs to go along. So it’s just the immediate family, a few members, who have to go through and who have to question them every single day. Better just to go.

But one day, before I came, this was probably like ten or fifteen days before I was supposed to come back, we told the doctor that regardless of what other people are thinking, because we came to that point, take it off and we will see. They said that he will not last long, he might not last long, more than an hour because his lung does not work. I said, Okay, still we want to see. They took it off, and we let our relatives know that we had a conversation and it’s just to try and see what happens.
And we kept my father in complete vigilance, we were looking at the monitor every second. Because they say that when he will be struggling his pulse will fall, his oxygen saturation will fall and we have to check it. So my sister, then me, my uncle, we are watching the monitor. And then he actually survived thirty hours. Then he started really struggling. Then we said, Okay, put it back, because he has got life, it was not an hour, it was thirty hours.

So we put the life support back on. After he was put into the life support, after it was taken and then it was put back, his situation got better. He started opening eyes and if you go you’ll probably sometimes think that hes looking at you. For a couple of days.

And it was at that time- towards that time that I told him that I’ll have to go on 29th April because I have my viva, but you stay like that, and it would be better if you can breathe on your own, then well take you home. And obviously he does not have any consciousness although people, you know, believe and also doctors say that they do listen to some of the things, so you just need to tell positive things all the time. So on that day he was so (pause) he was looking at me like that, as if he is listening. So I took the opportunity to tell. But then again, some of the days just sleeping, other days again breathing problem. And the doctors they just say, You know the situation, it could be any minute, it could take months. There is nothing new, no new news for us at all. It’s just a routine thing, we used to go, my sister used to sit there for two hours every evening and to pray. She used to recite the Quran every day. And for her that was the best medicine she was doing. And then I had to come.

And then we had to take another family decision again, how long? I said that because it’s a very difficult decision and in the meantime we consulted with the heads of different mosque, different religious people, all gave us almost similar kind of opinion that this is not right, this is unethical, this is against Islam, you should bring him home, you should read the Kolman that we read before if we can before people die, and let him go. You should not keep him in a machine, when he is ready, it’s just prolonging.

And you still think your father might get better?

No, I don’t think, no, [laughs] it’s just something, because he is still alive, we are just I’m just telling you that probably he will wake up and say hello. But no, in a rational sense, I don’t think he will get better. I was telling my sister that my dad is waiting for me, and my sister said to me, No, nothing is like that, he is just there. He is just there. Because he is not- He was taken off in front of me and then all sorts of messy things came and now he is here. He is not waiting for anything. He is not waiting for your viva; he is not waiting for anything. A person can only die once. He died when I was bringing water. Now we revived, so it’s our choice, it’s human beings choice. We don’t think that he will get any better. If he got any better we could have I think we could have seen some sign in this more than two months.

What to feel? I mean, were just living life. What to feel about it? It seems like he is he is not my dad. My dad’s memory is gone. It was the last day I talked with him, that is it. It’s just someone lying there. Day by day you cannot even recognise, he used to be a really unhealthy man, the reason why he had this stroke because his weight never got lower, but now a little person, he is not my dad. He is just I mean, I’ll be going back home and if he is still alive I’ll be struggling to recognise him.

So your dad died?

Yeah, he is gone. It’s just someone we have to look after or whatever it is, it’s just that. For me, I it’s gone. Because I left and obviously I was not expecting him to be surviving. So for me, I mean, if I go back I’ll be seeing in one way it’s a good thing that still hes here, still we can see our dad, so that is something that people want to cling to. But—

What will change when he actually dies? I mean, there will be a funeral presumably?

My dad, one of his friends, he died in a second when he was praying. And my dad told us so many times, This is the death I want. And my mum cannot come into I mean, with everybody, with nature, with God, my mum is quarrelling with everybody, why he needs to suffer like that. And obviously in religion there are lots of things, and we all say to ourselves, to my mum that everybody needs to suffer, even the best of the people in our religion, our prophet had to suffer, because suffering is a way of cleansing. So this is how people get cleansed. Dad will have wonderful life once he is not here. And we do believe all these things in a religious perspective. But then the why will always be there. And obviously it’s for everybody, nobody will say that I want to have a death full of suffering, I want to have a death in life support. These are all practical things. The ideal thing, everybody thinks that I’ll be dying like that (clicks fingers) in a minute! I will have my family sitting You know, these are all ideal things.

They gave him a I’m not sure what kind of machine because I was not there but they gave him a machine so that he can breathe properly. He slept for two hours and then he woke up and he wanted water. And my sister and my mum on that day was in, was staying with my father. So he wanted water, my sister went to get the water and then he just stretched his hand, that’s it, he collapsed. So obviously at that time my sister and my mum could not quite understand what is happening. So they pressed the bell, there was a bell, and someone came and saw the whole situation and then they pressed the emergency bell and a whole group of doctors came. And then they sent my mum and my sister out. I think after an hour or so one doctor came and took my sister in and said that, He had a massive cardiac arrest. We revived his heart but because it was a long process our brain cannot survive until if it doesn’t get oxygen for six minutes brain gets damaged. So his brain got damaged. He is in the life support at the moment. So that life support thing, they did not ask us whether we want or not. So just saying that, He is in the life support, well be seeing what happens in seventy-two hours or so.