Philip
Philip thinks his son started cutting himself when he was about 20. He lives at home with his parents and has had several years contact with mental health services. Philip describes the difficulties of the situation and advises other parents not to give up.
Philip’s son had a happy childhood, but was bullied at school and became unhappy and nervous in his first year at university. He saw a counsellor, who became alarmed when he expressed suicidal thoughts and would not promise never to act on them. He was immediately admitted to a psychiatric hospital under section, but was released a few days later to the care of Philip and his wife. He went back to university, but decided not to return after the first year and has lived with his parents since. He sleeps during the day, getting up at about 6.00 p. M. and going to bed around 8.30 a. M. Philip thinks this lack of outside stimulation is making the problem worse.
Philip is not sure when the self-harm started as his son hid the cuts under his clothes, but then Philip’s wife noticed scratches on his face and neck. They were horrified and immediately started looking for help. Their son continues to cut himself intermittently, and keeps a kitchen knife in his bedroom for this purpose, but Philip says that the scratches are fairly superficial and soon fade. Philip is resigned to this cutting as part of life’. His son says the self-harm releases tension and helps him tolerate his constant misery. Philip thinks he has a need to punish himself. He has threatened to kill himself on several occasions, which is frightening and worrying for his parents, but they try to persuade him that suicide is difficult and unpleasant, and hope that the intelligent side of him will respond to this. His son usually signals his suicidal intent very clearly so that he can be stopped: Philip thinks it is mostly play acting, and takes comfort that his son probably does not really want to kill himself, but is expressing an extreme cry of pain.
Philip and his wife investigated treatment possibilities for their son before he went to university. He is seen regularly by a Community Mental Health team and has tried Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, mentalisation, family therapy, the complex needs service and a range of different medications, but Philip says nothing has made much difference. Various diagnoses have been suggested, including depression and Asperger’s syndrome, and recently he has shown signs of obsessional compulsive disorder. Philip suspects that he has researched this online as he is very fluent with the terminology. They have found it hard dealing with many different agencies which do not communicate well with each other, and with psychiatrists who use jargon and don’t explain clearly what they mean.
Philip himself has mild depression, which responds well to medication, and there is a history of depressive illness in both sides of the family, so Philip thinks that his son may have inherited a genetic predisposition to mental ill-health.
Philip describes his son as a very sweet, highly intelligent person, with two or three close friends, who remains emotionally dependent on his parents, to the extent that they don’t feel they can leave him for 24 hours. This has a great impact on their life the family therapist has encouraged them to remember their own needs as well as his. They had a family holiday recently for the first time in four years, but although they had a delightful time their son went into a prolonged down period on their return. Philip is self-employed and able to work flexible hours he says it would be very difficult to have a conventional full-time job in their current circumstances. Their son’s physical presence in the house is a constant reminder of his problems; when he is not with them radiating gloom and despondency’ they are always aware that he is sleeping upstairs so avoid noisy activities like housework and decorating.
Philip thinks his wife is more upset by their son’s self-harming than he is. She is very protective of their son and Philip sometimes feels deprived of her company and the future they had planned together for retirement. Although he appreciates that their son’s problems are tragic, he says after four years, it’s not the tragedy that strikes you, it’s the boredom.’ He is tired of living with the emotional dependency of his son, but hopes that in future his son will overcome his difficulties and be able to live an independent life.
Recently the Rethink charity has helped Philip and his wife negotiate the system and provided a volunteer mentor for their son. Philip has used the internet to find general information (although this often gives more questions than answers), and attended local talks organised by the mental health trust. He and his wife have a number of very supportive friends with whom they can talk about mental health issues and their son’s problems.
He advises health professionals to remember that not everyone can understand jargon. To parents he says: Stick with it. You can’t throw them out. You have to look for help, you can’t handle it yourself.’