So one of my friend’s mum, I met her there, and obviously when you go to, it’s like when you go to an alcoholic place. You know why someone is there, so for me I felt like okay, she’s here, she now knows, and let me just be open. And her daughter was a very good friend, well she still, we’re still friends. But she was a very good friend of mine at that time, but she didn’t know because it’s not something that you obviously, you want people to know because of stigma. And she was okay while we were there, and then the next day my friend is asking me that “My mum saw you, my mum says you are this, this you are HIV positive.” And I was like “Me?” And she was like “Yeah, yeah she says she saw you.” So I said “Why was your mum there?” She said “Well my mum, you know she does voluntary stuff so she’s there for voluntary reasons.” I went “I don’t know what your mum is talking about but I was there for voluntary reason too. She says she was there for voluntary, so was I.”

But anyway they’re taking me bad, because she’s old, not old, but she’s, do y’know, I’m still getting my life together. I’m still young, I just feel like okay, if people are keen to talk about you, and not okay to talk about themselves then that’s when I stopped going back because I felt like I was putting myself at risk for people who know me, and going around and spreading.

Because of Covid to be fair like you don’t see a lot of things because they want you out of the hospital [laughs]. No, no I’m not going to lie, I didn’t feel any, I didn’t notice anything. But I was scared, because when I was pregnant, not sure if you’re aware there’s two girls that died like this popular Youtuber and there was this whole thing, “Oh they don’t treat black people right and blah blah.” So I, it, I’d be lying like it was in my mind so I remember when I had my C-section and I didn’t want to close my eyes because I thought I was going to die. Not because of anything, it’s nothing to do with. I didn’t feel any, any difference, no.

To be honest like I went through a phase where I hated it, because I wake up in the mornin- at night and he, you know like you feel like when you’re breastfeeding you just take your baby and put them in your boobs and you don’t feel the pressure of having to. Because you’re holding a bottle, and you’re tired, you, for me I hated it in the first few months because of that reason. Because at night you couldn’t just have like a night where because with bottle feed you have to be careful. Are they choking? And afterwards you have to, what do you call it? Burp them. Not sure if you breastfeed you burp. But you have to burp them and things like that and it was you know, I hated it.

I mean, I think our generation is quite different as well in terms of breastfeeding because I’ve got friends that choose not to breastfeed. Not because of anything, it’s just their choice. They don’t feel comfortable with it or you know, yeah.

You didn’t breastfeed?

After all that, no [laughs]. After all that. So basically I really don’t know. I had a very long tiring labour so, by the time it was done, I was so exhausted. So, the nurse I had epidural so I think my left arm couldn’t hold up. I couldn’t hold my arm, so the nurse who was looking after me that day. I think she asked something about giving him some milk, right? And so, me, I thought she knew, I thought she knew what was going on. I thought she was in, like up to date with my condition and my everything, so I thought she knew, and my partner didn’t know at that time. So, we were in a room, and I just didn’t want to be like “Oh no, no he can’t have this milk,” or something like that. So, I don’t know, in my mind, when she gave him the milk, I thought maybe it was okay as a one off. Because I was weak at that moment, so I thought it was okay, let’s just do for one hour. And the next thing they’re coming and telling me like “Oh no, because we’ve already given him this milk you can’t breastfeed anymore.” And they were quick enough to give me the pill to dry up my milk, very, very quick.

I was only aware of this advice when the midwives started telling me that because of the water here, we advise you to bottle feed and stuff like that. That’s when I was like “oh, okay”. Yeah so, what the midwives were telling me at that time that because here the water is good and they will give you free milk and free bottles, but to be fair I fought it all the way to the end. I did not want to bottle feed. I didn’t care about they are free bottles, I didn’t care about the free milk. For me I just wanted to have that bond with my child.