They just said “We’re sorry.” And at this point I just jumped up. And I just was like “No, no. It can’t be.” And they said, “Yes, we’re really sorry but the baby’s gone. There’s no heartbeat.” And, and then I remember actually they said – I was sitting up at this point, a bit hysterical. And they said “Well can you just, just lie very still so we can just have a close look, try and make a judgement of, you know, when this happened and things.” I couldn’t really do that. I was sort of shaking and that [laughing].

They had another quick look. Obviously they didn’t tell me it was dead until they actually knew. And then got dressed, and then went and sat in another room waiting for the doctor to come and talk through the options. And by now we were sobbing our hearts out [laugh]. Boxes of tissues, and.

Did they manage to get any sense of when it had happened? Or was that?

They said they thought it was three or four days, something like that. But fairly recent. But not immediate. Which is why they said, you know, have you been able to feel movement and things, but. Looking back, perhaps I should have noticed, but I didn’t. I really had no idea. Mmm.

And so what happened then? You were in a room waiting, and – did the doctor come and see you, or a midwife, or?

Yeah, a nurse – think she was a nurse – came first. And she was sort of comforting us. And the doctor came in sort of half an hour later, and just talked through, you know. Oh actually, thinking – there wasn’t really any options. The only option was, you can take this tablet now, or you can come back tomorrow. So I just was keen to understand that, you know, they were absolutely certain, really. And he said yes, they were absolutely certain. So then I just took the tablet then, and they said , “We’ll book you in for the birth on the day after tomorrow.”

Actually by the time things started happening, we got transferred to one of the special rooms, they’d become free. And it was when I was in that, I realised what an amazing facility they are.

You know, there was – We were much more comfortable. And they had – They had the sort of birthing room and the bathroom, and then they had a sitting area. You know, where you could make tea and coffees and things. And then there was also another little room, where you could put the baby afterwards. Which was amazing to have.

And you stayed in there for the rest of the time?

And that’s where I gave birth in the end, yeah.

Yeah. And it was special because it was just a bit more cosy, and you had that room?

It was special [sigh]. Yes, it was much more comforting, but that extra room was so useful. Because you can take your time to work up to see the baby. Because you don’t know what to expect. I kept asking what to expect, and they said, “Well, it’s a baby.” [Laugh]. But Daniel, he was born completely in his sac, as can happen quite a lot – can happen anyway, can’t it. But, so I couldn’t see anything. And it was – He actually came out when I was in the toilet [laugh]. So I was in labour for a while. And the one thing I remember that you don’t have with a live birth is they can give you morphine, they can give you any drugs you want. So it does make you more out of it [laugh].

And I went to the loo, and he actually came out then. And then they took him away to clean him up. And they put him in a little Moses basket in this room. And you can prepare yourself to go and see him. So I went to see him immediately.

So I went to see him immediately. Looking back, I wondered if I was less affected because of these drugs I’d had. [My husband], my husband, he couldn’t go at first. He took perhaps – I don’t know – an hour or an hour and a half to work himself up to go and see.

But he felt that it was important to go and see?

He did.

Yeah. And how did he find it?

He was – he was terribly upset. Very upset. We took – We took photos. And we sat in the sort of living area. Like I held – I’d held the baby directly, but I remember [my husband] didn’t want to. But he did hold him in his basket. And he said it was mainly because he looked so delicate, he thought he’d damage him [laugh], or. He was tiny.

Mmm. So you picked him up and held him?

Yeah. For a long time. There was – It was really good, there was no – you know – pressure from anyone.

It was immensely helpful. I was very touched, we were both really touched. We went on the website of the people who are making the boxes, and I think they’re invariably made by people who’ve gone through a similar loss, haven’t they. And it was – it was just so thoughtful. We still have it. We keep it upstairs. And we’ve added to it. You know, we’ve put the scan pictures in frames, and other photos that – the hospital took some professional photos of Daniel, which was great. Because they were very different to the ones we took. They, they did sort of close-up of features that, you know, can be family traits and things. Which didn’t cross our minds to do that, and. So we’ve got – we’ve got that and we’ve added to it. There was a teddy bear – one to put with your baby, one to keep. A candle. And I remember we lit the candle on, on the 18th of February, when he was born, this year. Just remembered him. Some forget-me-not seeds. Yeah, a camera card as well. That was just very thoughtful, as you don’t – you know – So you can – You can’t take enough photos, can you, but. It was really nice.