Yeah I think, I think I saw that I hadn’t like, when I’d kind of spoken to my husband about the diagnosis I hadn’t really mentioned to him that “Oh I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed” because that was, at the time that was what the doctor had said when I was in my first clinic but I didn’t really mention that and he’s always been so heavy on the breastfeeding side of things, so when, when my second doctor had said ‘oh yeah you know you can breastfeed’ and I was like it was just such a relief that she even said that because I don’t have to face that kind of conversation with my husband as well.

Just like he’s read about the benefits of it and how his friends like wives and so they’ve all breastfed and he’s just, I think he just knows as well that it’s just best for the baby.

It was really good, I mean I, I was tested every month I think, I think it was a month, every month, yeah I’m pretty sure it was every month and my son was tested every month as well and I felt there was more support from my HIV clinic doctor than there was from the paediatric doctor but I don’t know if that was because he was a guy or again maybe just because I had that relationship already with my own doctor. But like because he was kind of like when it came to six months he was like ‘oh, you know, you should think about stopping he doesn’t need it anymore’ but yeah but I carried on and I spoke to my HIV doctor who was like, you know, ‘just stand your ground if anyone says anything to you’, which I did, well at the time I did yeah.

I found it uncomfortable at the time to be honest because I kind of felt they were kind of on par with one another so that they were supporting each other but the HIV doctor was okay with me feeding so I thought the paediatric doctor would be the same but no. I mean yeah I don’t know like he kind of, he wasn’t saying to me stop but he wasn’t, he was basically saying to me, you know, ‘oh you know, he’s a healthy weight he doesn’t need the, he doesn’t need that milk, you know, he can switch he should having, starting on solids and stuff now’, so basically trying to convince me not to, but not in, not in saying as such to be honest.

So the doctor called me and said oh, you know, ‘oh we’re in really deep water because, you know, I thought you’d stopped feeding and, you shouldn’t still be doing it, you know, he’s 15 months now you know’, I think he was saying, like he really panicked me because he was like, ‘you know, the guidelines are that he should stop after six months, and you know, you’ve already done it for long enough now and, you need, basically’ saying to me you need to stop as soon as possible. So, I kind of panicked I was like, you know, what’s going on and, you know, am I putting my son in danger and what is it, what is the reason why he’s kind of telling me to stop this, I think I didn’t really question it.

I miss breastfeeding, it was difficult the first few days like for both of us like because he wanted the milk, I mean I was only feeding him day and night at that point so I wasn’t like stopping a lot of feeds so it was just day and night but it was difficult because that was his little comfort, I know he wasn’t doing it out of hunger it was just his comfort thing. So the first few days were difficult, but obviously, but just having to stop and obviously the pain of having such full boobs at the time but yeah no it was fine, I was just, yeah it was fine.

To be honest it just, in the, the only way, my only closure was not to think about it, I take my medications on time, I go to my appointments, but other than that I just try not to even think about it because it does upset me and even now like ten years on I still, I just don’t know how it came about, I’m just almost like, you know, ‘why me’ but, so I think the only way I just cope with it is not to think about it.

Oh it was, I mean I didn’t, I didn’t expect to kind of warm to it the way I did, I mean I was thinking it was kind of difficult at the beginning trying to, cos it was my first time I didn’t know what I was doing but once I’d got the latch right and stuff I kind of, I completely loved it, was so nice to have that bond with my son.