And the pain, it doesn’t matter, it does not matter, the kids come first, the pain doesn’t come first. And to look at me down there I’m a completely different person.

But by the end of the day, put the lollipop away, I’m dragging my feet because I’ve given it my all, and that’s the same every day, it doesn’t change, every day’s the same there, unless it’s summer time and I’m a bit more nimble.

I learnt over the years to, what I can do and what I can’t do, and I just live with it, get on with it. It doesn’t affect my work, I hope. I don’t think it affects my work, and nobody has said anything to the contrary, so I’m hoping I got away with that [laughs].

What does it mean for you having this job or this work?

Everything, I love it, I love those kids, those kids keep me young, those kids keep me sane [laughs]. I’m outside, I’m virtually my own boss because I’ve nobody else but me out there and the kids, but, yeah, I love it, I do love it.

I took it on as a, a stopgap in between jobs because I’d had, I had major surgery and, I thought, This’ll do me for six month, and I’ve been there 40 years [laughs], must be doing something right. So yeah, I do love it, I do love it, I love those bairns, they just make my day.

But I feel as though I’m not getting anywhere, it’s very depressing, it leaves me a lot of the time in tears. I find I can’t do the things that I want to do that I used to do, the sweating, the tiredness, the, sometimes the brain fogs, they are debilitating and I really don’t know what to do about it. I just wish it would go away.

I’ve got this, my granddaughter’s wedding on Saturday and I, honestly I’m dreading it because I’m either going to be standing too long or sitting too long. And if anybody asks me to dance I’ll die [laughs] because I can’t do it anymore.

So I mean it’s all these little things that gang up on you when you’ve got fibro and kick you in the teeth, that just can’t do these things anymore.

It has to be done. The, the one that I go once a month, she’s the deep tissue massage, and that gets rid of all the lumps that can be that big up the back of my shoulders and my neck, and it’s like popping bubble wrap when she gets her fingers, and it’s sore, my god, it’s sore (laughs], but I always feel better after it, I feel that the lumps have gone, the knotted muscles have gone. They come back, but for a day or two I’m a lot better.

it’s the same with the one that I go in the town and, she concentrates on the lower bit. In, in here it’s terrible sore in all this muscle, in here and the back and that, she gets her elbow in there and gives it a good old going over. And I do, oh, sorry, I do, feel better after I’ve seen her as well.

And although it’s not curing I would, I’ve often thought, I can’t afford this, I’m going to stop the, but I’m frightened to stop them in case I would feel worse if I didn’t go, whereas I’m going and I’m sort of, we’re, I’m going to these people and that’s the only thing I know what to do with, for myself, and I’m paying to have it done.

I find I can’t do the things that I want to do that I used to do, the sweating, the tiredness, the, sometimes the brain fogs, they are debilitating and I really don’t know what to do about it.

There’s the, depending on my mood, the slurring of the words, which sometimes makes you look as if you’re, been on the bottle [laughs].

Sometimes if I get over exciting at these things I start slurring. I don’t drink alcohol, that’s a long time gone, but I, you get this like a fibro fog where you’re, you’re out of your comfort zone and, and, Oh, I don’t want to be here, I want to be at home, I want to be slumming it, I don’t want to be dressed u, and I don’t like being like that either, but it’s horrible.

What’s, what is fibro and what is not fibro. And I’ve been to the doctor many times because I felt so awful and they say, it’s just your fibr. But they’re only looking at me, how do they know it’s just my fibro when I’m sitting at home worried sick that it’s not fibro, that it’s something else and they’re just chalking it up as that? it’s, it’s scary, very scary, very worrying.

Sometimes, that’s a good question, sometimes I think, Oh, my goodness I’m, what is this pain sometimes I think it’s a heart attack and then only to find out that I’ve got wind trapped round my body that you have to move to get rid of it, which is not very elegant sometimes [laughs].

I go to a lady in [a nearby town] that gives me a deep tissue massage, and she breaks down the knots in my body. I also go to another physiotherapist in the town and she works on the muscles in my bottom and my lower back.

I get more, I get more sense out of these people. Especially the, the one in the town, she’s a Polish girl and she, I’ve not long been going to her and, she’s come up with a few tips here and a few tips there, and, You will do this. You will do thi, and, yeah, she’s helped quite a lot. In fact I get more advice from her than I would from the doctor, but she’s not a doctor.

What kind of difference does that make to you know, giving, getting these tips and this kind of advice and
She’s
she’s pushing you know, You’re doing thi?

I’m always pleased with myself because I get to the stage where I think, Is i, I spend far too much time sitting in this chair, so for me to go to the girl, it’s like an outing, a painful outing, but she’s so nice and she’s so funny and she makes me feel good, and she helps me.

And, although I’m paying for this service, I would gladly pay a doctor for that service, which we don’t get, a tablet will fix everything when the doctor, but it doesn’t, it doesn’t fix us, it doesn’t even, doesn’t even look at it.

How did you find out about that you know, like okay, maybe physiotherapy is something? Did somebody tell you about it you know, to try out physiotherapy or did you find out in a different way, or?

Well for a lot, a way, way back, going back a few years, well they would put you to the, the physiotherapy department at the health centre, and of course [laughs] we all know that’s a big waste of time, and it was a big waste of time. So when they got fed up with me they gave me a cortisone jab and said, That’ll sort i [laughs] and then that was it, [waving right hand in a goodbye gesture] By [laughs].

So that was, that’s when I thought, Och, I’m going to have to take matters in my own hand her.

They want, as I, they wanted to put me on various, tablets that would’ve zombiefied me, which, I mean amitriptyline, who wants amitriptyline? That’s a wicked heavy duty drug. Gabapentin was the same, and I just didn’t take them, I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t accept them, so I have to get on with it with the milder drugs, and hope [laughs] good luck [laughs].

So for the fibromyalgia I have got fluoxetine, vitamin D and Rescue Remedy that’s all I, and paracetamol as I need it, when I need it. They wanted me to take paracetamol every day three times a day and I wouldn’t do it, and I, I’ll take it when I need it and I try not to.

The headmistress at the school knows I’ve got it because sometimes if I get a fibro flare then I have to take one or two days off to completely recharge the batteries. But, otherwise it’s never spoken about, it’s, I don’t think they know what to ask, and, so it just doesn’t get spoken about.

And when you need you know, those one or two days off to just you know, look after yourself, is that, accepted or how do they deal with that?

They get somebody else to do the job, much to the kids’ disgust [laughs] Where you been Lyn [laughs] yeah. And I, generally if I have to do that I just completely sleep that two days, or day and a half anyway, it’s just complete and utter exhaustion, it takes the feet from you I’m afraid.

But it’s usually just complete exhaustion, on the sofa, fleece over the top of me and out for the count until I’ve recharged the batteries. But touch wood it’s not often that that happens, but it does happen.

And you can’t, you can’t tell from one day to the other what you’re going to feel like because they’re all different. I mean I could get a whole week’s, a good week and then you could get a fortnight of being miserable, it’s swings and roundabouts and you can’t foretell which way it’s going to go, which is the annoying thing.