What did your mum say when you did eventually tell her that you were sick?
 
She was upset. She was hoping, basically, that it would not be true but she has accepted but it has taken some time to digest and because my aunt died from Covid.
 
Yeah. Was that her sister?
 
That’s her sister in law. So, basically, a year now I’m still not functional as much as I want to be and it just take time and she keeps saying, “There must be something else that can be done.” I say, “No, mum, it’s all up to me managing myself and me managing my medication and me being a part, we have limited capacity to do things and we have to accept that.” It’s very sad now because I am quite disabled. And I’m young. I’m not old.
 
I don’t look like a different person. It’s like a hidden illness which, because when you see a person or a person like me, they will say, how could possibly anything be wrong with you? An expectation of the community of perception of how disabled or chronic person will be. They have to look miserable. They have to look not well dressed, you know [laughs].They must have maybe a wheelchair on or drips or something, I don’t know. You know, that’s the kind of look they are expecting but when they look like somebody like me, they can’t put it together… that that’s how I am.

So that was a problem because I couldn’t eat people’s emergency food box. Consideration needs to be done in terms of like the choice of dietary requirement of an Asian person because we eat things like more noodles, rice, tofu, fresh vegetables, fresh fruits. This is what I usually eat. So I had problem getting slot, of even getting food delivered but, thank god, some kind, nice people helped me.

I’m a Buddhist, it helps me as well because the nun, we call them Maechi talks to me and helps me to cope with my illness and also, when you some religion, a positive enabler we each have non-judgmental. It helps because you don’t fear you’re judged and also not feeling that you are alone. Because when I got sick, Kübler-Ross or psycho Kübler-Ross of grief, stages of grief so there’s no one point that you are stuck in one. You always have different angles where you are at. When I got sick, I was not, I couldn’t acceptance. Acceptance was really difficult for me. I have the feeling of abandonment and grieving also because I love my job so much. I love working in mental health, right, and that makes it difficult for me because I didn’t, couldn’t, because abandonment because not getting the support that I want and also because of the gas lighting, those things in my head doesn’t help. That’s when you have your anger and then you say, “Why me? Why me? Why, I done so many good things, why is that I’m having this? What have I done wrong?” And that goes up in different level cycle and allowing myself to grieve and to accept. That is one thing that is important. They say to me, “I’m going to send you, there’s something wrong with you.” And they send mental health nurse talk to me but, in the end, the mental health nurse said to me, “You know what? I think you know more about this than me. You’re not a looney.” [laughs].“Yes, you’re going through some things but you don’t need medication or you’re not a looney, you don’t need to be, you know, you are right to feel those things.” And that’s why it’s important to have acknowledgement from people that it’s all right to not be all right.

I tried to get a test. I couldn’t get tested. I remember the day that Matt Hancock said there would be a lot of tests available, I went onto the screen, the whole thing just crash right in front of me. I took a screenshot, sent it to my boss and I sent to the GP and said, “Can you not get me a kit? I can’t believe you cannot get me a kit.” So keep trying and there was nothing available. The home kits are available and I couldn’t, it took too long to go there because I don’t drive and nobody is willing to pick me up because I’ve got Covid to go to the to the centre, which I will then be exposed to other people and you are breaking the law for doing that.

I’m only blessed because my niece is a Director of Emergency Medicines in the US so somebody who is quite bright so that’s a good one, just happen to be luck. And the lady, Chinese doctor, happens to be on the global Malaysian network, which actually, she offered to help me so, basically, I am blessed. I’ve got people helping me because, as I say, I don’t know what to do. The doctors, they don’t take me to hospital. They left me at home with only rest, drink fluid, vitamin C, what else can I do? I’ve got no nurse helping me. I’m sick but not sick enough to go in. So I’ve got to find an avenue.

I had a type of spray. I carry a spray, a mini one like this spray. In my backpack, I’ve got a hand gel, disinfectant wipe and three or four masks in my bag besides the one I have just in case I soiled them. So I will use spray everything down before I enter the house and before, you know, and I try my best but sometimes no matter, because there’s only so much you can do and that’s why I felt really sad. Disappointed with myself because I got Covid. Despite everything I done.

I just felt I’d been doing a lot of night shift and the level of exhaustion, a bit of breathlessness, lethargic and that feeling that I’m coming down with something, that kind of feeling, that doesn’t sit well, you know. Then my friend say, “You know what, Lyn, you’re doing too many night shift that’s causing you and also the stress from home and this pandemic and worry, that could be part of it.” But I just felt, yeah, stress, yeah, but maybe they’re maybe they’re right as when I went home, and then I feel a bit like I’m having fever, coming down with fever and then I just feel like chest tightness. I just feel very weak.

Well, when we first heard of the pandemic from China, Wuhan, it was explosion all over the world and it does not help being an Asian person, especially even though you are not from China. You are from Malaysia, as I told you I am a Malaysian, and how it affects the South East Asian community is because of the labelling because, as you can see on television, the media, where Donald Trump says, “Oh, the Chinese virus.” You know, and this affect a lot of people, which is South East Asian, because some people, they can’t tell between a Korean, Malaysian, Chinese, Indonesian, Filipinos, Vietnamese. To some people, all of us looks the same to be Chinese. So this has affected when comes to daily life because I have experienced two xenophobic attacks before I fell ill in April. And one of them was when I was coming up from shopping and this man just walk up to me and say, “Hey, you know you Asian virus. You should not be here. You people are barbaric. You eat bats. You eat dogs.” And I said, “I’m not going to engage with you because please leave me alone.” And he came right in front my face like that, so close, so close that I can feel his breath and I just say, “Sir, just leave me alone.” And, basically, I just took a dash but he kept following me and I, basically, just ran for my life because no matter how big a man is, you will feel the power is stronger than you I am not in a position to challenge him because I am a woman and I live alone. I don’t have many friends nearby in England and most of my friends are living up in Chester, in Wales and that is not helpful. So the second time was when I finished my shift, I was back then working in a mental health rehabilitation centre. I just finished a twelve and a half hour shift supporting person with mental illness and, on my way home, I was sitting in front carriage and this man came up to me and he, basically, he said, “You are not allowed in here. You have to get off the train.” I was shocked because I had done nothing. “You need to get off. You cannot be in the same train with me.” And, luckily, another gentleman was just sitting the opposite side from me and he came up and said, “Sir, you’ve got to move back. You’ve got to leave her alone.”