I’ve always sort of had a sort of like a very overactive sort of thought thing, and that that kind of does bring on sometimes the sort of depression thing. And that really does annoy me cos it’s like I tend to have an overactive imagination sometimes and I, before I go out anywhere I’ll imagine how everything can go wrong, in all the different sort of circumstances that it, well can go in. And then, I sort of psyche myself to out and expect those bad things instead of all the good things that should be happening. And it usually turns out good which I’m happy about but, yeah I think it’s just down to sort of I don’t know, just either an imagination or just trying to think, trying to think of different ways to deal with it, all the time, and it. I mean before you came I was thinking, well how many things can go wrongThink, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think .. about fifty sort of things came to mind and, all in sort of slightly different circumstances.

I wouldn’t really sort of voice my opinion too much, I mean I was, I guess I really didn’t want to be sort of like seen as anyone just in the corner, I’d be, I’d be fine sort of just doing my work really. I was I was quite, I wouldn’t say sort of like hard working, but I’d try and do my best, I mean I wasn’t that that sort of like academically good in sort of like, when I was in [school name], and I got, it’s like a, two threes and a four in my first SAT’s which I guess would be sort of get two Cs and a B sort of now. But, apart from that I was, well I was just shy. I didn’t really think I’d made too much of a, like a bother of myself. I didn’t wanna stand out or sort of get into trouble, so I always wanted to be sort of good, but, you always got the sort of like the times in the classroom where the teacher went out and I used to sort of well do the flicky with the pencils in the ceiling, and they’d all get stuck, that sort of thing, I mean, school, school kid stuff.

It did feel weird. It was, he chatted all about that sort of aura thing, sort of like you touch going like all the way down here, and it did feel like sort of a weird sort of sensation as he went down your body and it was, and he’d sort of like, just it was like sort of like just a couple of centimetres and he’d go down the arms and sort of do the legs sort of thing, go up the foot and all that sort of stuff and he do the, catch the energy and whatever it was they did.

Yeah, I felt sort of really quite sleepy and I’d be like, huh, this is good. But it really, it really did feel really quite interesting, and I was quite taken aback about how much it sort of like worked I mean. I’d sort of recommend it to people who sort of believed in that stuff cos I was quite sceptical about it, like my Dad. My Dad doesn’t believe in anything. it’s like ghosts. There’s the people with sheets and they go Whoo. So he, he didn’t really sort of believe in that, but I, I’m sort of, with persuasion I’m, I’m I can be into that. If they can prove, yea if, it helps.

I still have that’s like absolutely down sort of feeling, I’ll be like that for a while, and that, I mean that that goes-ish. I mean there’s still the edge but I know I know sort of how to sort of deal with it.

There’s like different ways like drawing, I’ll draw something. Sort of semi, semi violent to match my moods, cos I, I’ve got like my little characters are sort of like cross between anime sort of like westerns or comic book styles, and I love the sort of little characters cos I do spiky hair, sword, like gun, grrr, die evil depressing aliens. And I’ll do something like that or I’ve got like computer games like the Wii, I’ll just smack a few tennis balls about or be up something on [game name], my favourite game, and I love it, but yeah there’s a lot of sort of like different mediums to work out. I drum, and I’ve got a boxing bag which pees off the neighbours which I found out.

I meanback to the [hospital name] sort of thing, I mean that was, that was a good time and there was a couple of times that I was sort of put on my own in a sort of separate ward because I was getting older and there was more young people getting in, and I think I was about sort of 15, 16 at the time and I was put in to this sort of very sort of cold silent sort of ward weren’t I? Yeah, and the room just went just short bed, I didn’t fit on the bed at all, I mean by this time I think I was about 6′ and my, and my feet just went ding, so Oh God, nurse. Bigger bed I think [laughs]. And that, they had, they had something where they could stretch it and so I, I could fit in it better. That was quite funny. I mean I’ve had, I’ve had sort of like bad times and very, very good times.

I was just finding it really sort of hard to, sort of deal with stuff and you get the sort of really doom inciting thoughts, sort of suicide and that sort of stuff. And that, that scares you. Really does but, I just thought there must, there must be some sort of meaning to this so you just got to ride through it and get to the other side I think. Just, cos that that’s what I’m doing at the moment. I mean there’s, it can’t be, this can’t be sort of fate or anything, I’m going to make something of it, I don’t care whether, whoever wants me to be in that for the rest of my life, I want to get out and do whatever, I’ll conquer a country sort of thing, if you know what I mean. Just I really want to make something of it. it’s like after sort of being through all of this shit I’m, just wanna see that it’s all worth it on the other side.

I used to think I was sort of worthless, and people, people would tell me, Oh you’re not worthless, you’re not worthless, shut up Sort of thing, but that will, that would make me think well they’re just saying that, they’re not really meaning it. You, if you really meant it then you would sort of do something about it, instead of just saying oh shut up, sort of you’re not worthles, sort of thing. But I, I talked to, well like my counsellor with it and he would be like, Well if they didn’t think you were worthless or if they did think you were worthless, why would they need to sort of say stuff to you to make you feel better And I’d be like, Well, they could be just saying it And it would, sort of I’d go around in that sort of circle until I sort of realised that maybe yeah, if they were trying to, if they really thought I was worthless then, they wouldn’t care at all, they’d be like, pha and, sort of cast me asunder sort of thing. But I do, I do think from time to time people care but I, sort of, sometimes I forget that and I’ll be like, andyou don’t care, sort of thing. But, I’m getting better at it, I’m getting better at it. I’m, I’m managing to sort of like put all these things together and be like, hey now I’m happy.

I think it’s [counselling] just helped me sort of talk things through with people, more times I’ve realised that I have someone to view my sort of like feelings to, without them sort of like having to like too much their own opinion. I mean if it’s like something like really sort of like shocking then yes he’ll voice his own opinion, but yeah apart from that it’s just really good to be with someone who knows the sort of things that you’ve gone through because he’s talked to other people, to children my age, well people my age, teenagers. I just think its more people that in that sort of situation to talk things through otherwise they feel isolated like I did. I thought no-one understood how I felt and finding someone that knew that made me feel happier I, that I could sort of like open my sort of like feelings up and say I’ve had a really shit day, I’ve thought of this, this, this, and I really just need to say it to you sort of thing.

I mean he, he just goes through why I’ve thought that and how it made me feel, what did you do after it, did you deal with it, or did you not, and I’ll be like, well I’ve thought about it but I didn’t do it, and that sort of thing like with the self harming, suicide obviously, cos I wouldn’t be here, and that that sort of thing. That’s that’s my kind of sadistic humour coming out again, that’s the sort, the suicide thing. Not something to be joked about too much.