Have you talked to your doctor, or to any doctor about this?

Yeh. Theyre not particularly interested really. And it’s a bit surprising in a way because it’s like with the diabetes, with my husband, you know theyre very conscious about getting that to the best they can, because they know that further down the line, if they don’t support him now with his diabetes, he could become quite a strain on the system because of all the things that come with diabetes. But being fat’s not very good for you either. It leads to all sorts of things like, you know, joint problems, your arteries, strokes. It can lead to so many things that eventually will become a strain on the system. But they don’t seem very interested in helping you tackle it now while you’re relatively fit.

You raised the issue with them or?

Yeh, yeh. I spoke to… Ive literally, this morning been to the doctors, and she is going to test my thyroid for me, and she’s going to check me for diabetes as well because obviously, being overweight can lead to being diabetic. But that’s fine, and if she comes back to me and says, "Oh well, your thyroid’s OK, you’re not diabetic," but that would be it. I know that that would be it; itll be like, Go away and go and lose some weight. And I don’t quite know how to do that really; I don’t know where to go now.

I’m sort of interested to find out when you were diagnosed with osteoarthritis, did they talk to you about your weight and how to lose weight?

No. No, to be fair to them I think they were probably just more focused on keeping my alive because I was quite poorly. I was forty-eight hours from a coma and multiple organ failure, so I think they were probably more concerned about keeping me alive. And the antibiotics they were giving me were just so toxic – they have to test your blood every day to make sure that the antibiotics theyre giving you arent killing you [laughs]. How could this be, you’re giving me something to make me better. Yeh, but it could make you really ill. Oh, OK, carry on then. The diagnosis on my ankles and my feet was just literally an aside from that. It was… but it did make me think, Well at least I know now why the tops of my feet are always painful, and that’s why because of the wear and tear. So, it was very much an aside that no… but nobody ever sort of took it up. I think, as I say, they were more concerned about keeping me alive.

I’m such a lucky girl – Ive got a lovely life, Ive got a fantastic husband, and I feel like Ive let myself and him down you know. He loves me despite… I mean I was… what am I, fourteen and a half… sixteen and a half.. .I was two and a half stone lighter when we met. He still loves me. I keep telling him there’s more of me to love now, but hey.

But he’s six foot five and at some points in our life together in the last five years, there has been less than half a stone between us. I mean that’s just, you know, he’s a big strapping bloke, and that is so depressing. And we had occasion to meet up with some of his family, and his ex-wife was there, a few weeks ago, and I cannot tell you how awful I felt. I felt like Id let him down because I was fat. And I try so hard.

You said that you have a wonderful husband?

Yeh

Is this something that you can talk about?

Oh yeah, he knows, he knows.

He knows how you feel?

Oh god yeh, he’s seen me come back from my slimming class and hell go, "How did you get on?" and Ill just burst into tears, and the poor bloke he doesn’t know what to do with me [laughs]. What’s he supposed to do? You know, he’s not great with women that cry; no men are. If you want anything from a man, just cry. He’s… you know he’s… he would do anything to help me, but he doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do really. Because whatever I’m doing isnt working, so perhaps I don’t know what to do either you know. He would do anything.

And regarding information, is there any information you would like or where you have found your information from?

Well, I would say I’m relatively intelligent. Well no, averagely bright. And so, you know, most of these days you can find out anything you want to know, cant you? Everything’s…I mean Google is a wonderful thing. It’s like having, you know the Encyclopaedia Britannica on speed in your pocket, because you can literally ask any question and find out an answer. So, I think all the knowledge is out there, and it’s not that difficult to access. But putting it into practice and being successful at it is another thing.

Well, I am sort of… I am on Facebook on a couple of groups there that are allied to Slimming World. One is a sort of a Slimming World site which is called a Pinch of Nom, which is a quite a… you know quite nice, quite supportive, and I do…oh, how do I love seeing the before and after pictures of people who were fat to now theyre thin, and I’m thinking, Well done, I hate you. And then there’s another one which is a slightly more subversive group, which…I think it’s called Two Chubby Cubs, and they kind of do the Slimming World thing. And they put some really good recipes on and, you know which I like because…ooh Ill take a screenshot of that; Ill do that for tea tonight, that kind of thing, so I do quite like the online stuff, and they are a bit more subversive. Theyre much more sweary and stuff, which I quite like because at least that makes you laugh, you know when people are having a rant; you can have a little giggle at that. So, it’s not quite so self-righteous and self…full of self-praise, it’s a bit more subversive. So, I do have a couple of groups online that I look at yeh.

OK. And how do you feel after you have…especially the one that you canthe one that are more kind of fun.

Yeh [laughs], a bit more subversive. Yeh, I mean yeh, I do, I… you know, at least you’re getting… at least you can have a smile with some of those. You know, you read some people’s…because a lot of people will use it as like a blogging site. So, they’ll put like a little… like a diary entry on there about what they’ve done or how they feel, and it can be very funny, very entertaining. And at least you do get some people out there who say, "Well, look you know, I’m trying really hard and nothing’s happening," and I think, Yeh, you and me both.

And it’s so depressing; it really is depressing. I mean, you know, for me it’s more about my health. I struggle with my joints. Ive got arthritis in my ankles and my feet. Ive got fibromyalgia as well, which I don’t let it affect me; I don’t let it stop me doing anything, but it does make life a little bit difficult. And I know very well if I could lose four or five stone I could help my joints, fibromyalgia would be helped, you know the stress incontinence would be helped; everything would be so much better. My mental health would be better as well because, you know.

At the beginning you mentioned that your main reason for wanting to lose weight is for health reasons?

It is, yeh.

Would you like to add something else?

Oh, it’s vanity as well. It’s vanity, I’m sorry. But it’s so vanity as well [laughs]. Yeah, Id love to say…you know Id love to say, "Oh yeh, you know, it’s for my health." It’s because I’m vain as well. I don’t want to be the fat one; I don’t want to…I don’t want to not go to things and do things and not be able to wear things. You know, the question, does my bum look big in this is completely irrelevant – of course it looks big in this. One day I would like it not to look big; I would like to just wear what everybody else wears. Id like to shop where everyone else shops. Yeh, health wise it would improve my life a lot, but I’m vain as well; I’m vain.

We all are.

We all are. Anybody who says theyre not is lying.

The only thing that mattered with that whole event was the fact that she was slim and I’m fat. I cannot tell you how much… I look… hunted round my wardrobe looking for something that would make me look three stone lighter. You know, there must be something in this wardrobe full of clothes that will make me look three stone… there wasn’t, obviously. The best I could do was put on sort of high heels and black trousers; that was my best effort. But that whole thing… none of the other stuff mattered; just the fact that I was fat and she wasn’t.

And, you know, there’s going to be a wedding in the not too distant future; next year or two, and I’m guessing that they’ll probably want to go abroad. So, this is like [husband] and her son and to be daughter-law, and the thought of that, having to spend several days, probably somewhere hot, which ain’t great when you’re fat, or fair; dressed in clothes… because at least this do that I went to I could wear black trousers, high heeled black boots, you know something… a scarf that gives you a bit of length, a nice jacket, tailored look is always more flattering. So, I’m thinking, Well, this is just going to be marvellous isnt it. Were going to be somewhere hot where you cant cover up. I cant wear a smart suit; Ill have to wear a flimsy frock, and just the thought of that is enough to make me feel sick. And again, you know, there’ll be probably a hotel, a pool – how am I going to wear swimsuit? How am I going to be… ah, I cant tell you… I cant tell you how that makes me feel. I’m so ashamed.

Do you want me to stop?

It’s OK. It doesn’t matter, does it? People need to know. They need to know that however happy fat people come across as, it’s not all that… it eats you up inside, and that’s how bad it makes you feel – ashamed, sad, worthless.