It doesnt hurt to use pronouns and names of, of what they want to use. You know, it’s [sighs] just basic respect, you know. There should be on an intake form what pronouns would you like to use. What name do you prefer to be named by. You know and it’s not, it’s a simple tick box. Just respect the young people for who they are the same as you would do an adult. We are all human at the end of day, it makes no difference who we are. We are all human.

I have lost so many friends through supporting my foster child. In fact, one of my sisters I havent seen or spoken to her in five years now. So she didnt want my foster child to be around her children. So five nieces and nephews. She’s [exhales] there there’s three of us siblings girls and we have a younger brother, but there’s three sibling girls and we were all brought up the same, same parents, same house, same morals, same ethics and weve all gone different ways as an adult. I accept people as they are for who they are whenever they are. My younger sister struggles to be outside of any box, so having a trans child in the family was way out of her realm of comfort. And it was a case of, do you know what, you’re an adult and yes I will lose contact but I’m here if you know, if you ever want to build the relationship back up again. And as her kids have got older and kind of a couple have left home now I still got contact with those. But the younger children who are at home with her I havent seen apart from like a family wedding or at a family funeral in five years.

You mentioned that you also lost friends?

Yeah even foster carers who don’t want my foster child near their looked after children, because their looked after children understandably a lot of them are very vulnerable in that they will take on other people’s problems and personas. And I think it’s scared a few of the foster carers thinking, if your kid is trans and they have conversations it might be the thing that my child saying it and I have to do. So, yeah, my social circle was massive five years ago. I was never in. I was always out doing things. Now, not so much so.

Well weve got a year to get to the next step. However, I’m already working towards making sure that the next step is easier. So we are having conversations, right now and for the last six, twelve months about preserving his eggs or you know, birth children before he starts cross sex hormones. If that’s his choice if that’s what he wants to do, you know, we have to kind of pre-empt what the [Gender Identity Development Services] and what the judges and what the local authorities are going to say he needs to do. So it, it is continual working and being that two, three, four, five steps ahead of everybody else.

And how did you find out about the fertility preservation option?

Google [laughs]. Yeah, just Google. There’s not much out there. I did have to contact the CCG myself. I sent them an email, the Clinical Commissioning Group. So I did contact them myself and asked them what their policy was for trans youth if they was accessing fertility to be told that this local authority doesnt prejudice against trans, trans young people. So it would just be a case of the GP referring if that’s what he wanted to do. And then looking at him going through the process, whereas many, many, many, many other local authorities don’t support trans young people in fertility whatsoever. You then need to pay privately. Bearing in mind, eggs are only viable for about ten years. So if a 13 year old, 14 year old, 15 year old is looking at preserving their eggs, you know, they have to have had children by 23, 25, 26. You know, most people arent starting families until their 30s. Why are our kids having to think about it at 15, 16. It’s a big conversation to be having.

He transitioned at school in primary year five. Primary school was really supportive. They couldnt have done anything more. They didnt quite understand how they didnt have the right to tell every single parent in the school that he was trans. They thought, you know, because he wanted to use the boy’s toilets, he wanted to get changed separately from the girls. That they had to inform everybody. So it was just a case of updating them in regards to the Equality Act and the Human Rights Act and the Gender Reassignment Act. Once theyve got the swing of that they changed the policy and they created a whole new trans policy for the whole school. The transition went really smoothly. We did send a letter out, a very generic letter saying, there was a child in year five who has started at the school as female and will be coming back as male after Easter. The only phone call school got was my child is confused. What name do they want to be known by?’ You know, what pronouns do they want to use. There was no negativity from the parents or the kids. When he went back to school, he was accepted near enough straight away.

Maybe eight to ten weeks I really struggled, to the point where I said, right, that’s it, nobody’s got a name. Everybody is just kids. Cause it was easier [laughs]. But no, I mean, it now I do have conversations with other people who when I refer back to how, back to my child as his birth gender, it takes me a few seconds to remember, you know, I have to access that information from deep, deep, deep in my brain, because it’s not something that I use every day now. You know, he’s just who he is. He’s just a happy, healthy, moody teenager [laughs].

When there’s any negativity in the media, he feels like he has to roll himself back up into a ball a little bit. He feels he has to come back into the house to protect himself. So he doesnt go out as much when there’s been bad publicity. A lot of the programmes that have been on, on TV he worries the whole of the next week if anybody’s going to say anything in school. He steers clear of certain areas, because he knows theyre not as inclusive as other places. And he shouldnt have to do that at 13, 14. He shouldnt have to be wary and have to watch his back just for being who he is. But the press, they need, that needs reining in, because the amount of kids that are struggling after the bad, after the bad stories have been out.

With my child being looked after, he hasnt got the option of going through private care. I know there are, there is a GP out there who – I think she just moved over to Spain. But there was a UK GP who saw younger people and did prescribe hormone blockers and cross sex hormones a bit earlier than the GIDS. But it’s never been an option for my lad. Saying that, even if it had, I don’t think I would have accessed it, because I think having that extra time and taking it slow has been the right thing, you know, for him to be able to take them extra breaths and take them extra steps and experience things slowly and as who he is, developing as rather than jumping straight in, accessing it all and then having to worry about it in the future. I do struggle with some parents who want everything now, you know, theyre children at the end of the day.

He has unfortunately got his mum’s genes, so his chest is at least D cup and it was a D cup at eleven and a half and twelve. So, now he is on hormone blockers that has stopped the growth. But it’s there. So he has no option other than to have surgery post eighteen. If that’s what his choice is. If he was my birth child, maybe he could have stopped growing at a B cup or you know, an A cup if hed got there quicker. He wouldn’t have had to have such severe surgery in the future. So him being a foster child has helped in many ways. But then, for him it’s also been a hindrance in that it’s, he’s having to live daily, binding daily. He will not leave the house unless he has a binder on. He will not leave his bedroom unless he has a binder on. And in this weather thirty degrees heat, you know, being binding and wearing coats and jackets, because he still feels like everybody can see his chest, you know.

So in that sense, the whole transition thing happened quite quickly, the whole process. Did you feel that?

I think it could have gone quicker. It could have gone quicker. And that was me being more insistent on him just slowing down and taking a breath and making sure of certain things before he did it. I know, in my heart of hearts he is who he is and he’s always gonna be who he is, you know. Even though we have conversations, the door is always open. He’s never going to go back. He was never happy. He would never fitted. He never was a female.

So what are your views on the waiting list as it is now?

Shocking. Absolutely shocking. Ive in a role within Mermaids I do work with the trans youth to a certain perspective, to a certain point. And, some of them are, you know, it’s a two and a half year waiting list. Nowhere in the other NHS areas is a waiting list as long with no option of being seen earlier. If you was on a waiting list for a kidney and things were just plodding along, you know, youd be on the waiting list, but you wouldn’t be in a rush. If you needed a kidney, if something damaged earlier you would be bumped up the list. Trans kids, some of them are quite happy to wait. Some of them are being supported at home. They are not overly hating their body. So they don’t need to be on blockers instantly. Whereas others are self-harming. They are binding with whatever they can find, be it parcel tape or duct tape because the finances or the support to buy binders and such theyre self-harming. They are suicidal. They are not attending school.

When he attended the [Gender Identity Development Service] he went monthly for assessment with his therapist who has remained his therapist throughout. So he has had that constant and he’s managed to build up a really good relationship with his therapist at the [Gender Identity Development Service]. And finally, maybe a year or so ago, started opening up about other stuff. So, in that way, he’s been supported with them. That’s been quite good. In referral in regards to the hormone blockers, with his therapist, we, as a family with his social worker had many, many, many conversations about hormone blockers. The process. What it involves. What it could lead to. Even the fact, you know, having an injection monthly is a major thing for a 11 year old to start. I think maybe three or four months after we started the conversation he was referred to the endocrinology at the [hospital] in [name of city]. That was maybe six to eight weeks. From being referred to getting the appointment. We saw one of the lead clinicians at the [hospital]. Had blood tests done. Had bone density scans done. It all seemed to go pretty smoothly. Once wed got to the [hospital] it was like not much questions, not many questions. Not much assessing. Not much, not much anything really. It was just a case of, right, youve been referred for blockers, that’s what you’re here for. Here you go. You know, so that was kinda, I didnt expect that. I expected that to be a bit more, this is our realm, let’s delve a little deeper and let’s take it a little bit slower. It wasnt.

In referral in regards to the hormone blockers, with his therapist, we, as a family with his social worker had many, many, many conversations about hormone blockers. The process. What it involves. What it could lead to. Even the fact, you know, having an injection monthly is a major thing for a 11 year old to start. I think maybe three or four months after we started the conversation he was referred to the endocrinology at the [name of hospital] in [name of city]. That was maybe six to eight weeks. From being referred to getting the appointment. We saw one of the lead clinicians at the [name of hospital]. Had blood tests done. Had bone density scans done. It all seemed to go pretty smoothly. Once wed got to the [name of hospital] it was like not much questions, not many questions. Not much assessing. Not much, not much anything really. It was just a case of, right, youve been referred for blockers, that’s what you’re here for. Here you go. You know, so that was kinda, I didnt expect that. I expected that to be a bit more, this is our realm, let’s delve a little deeper and let’s take it a little bit slower.