I said, “So, why are them examples so concerned of the social aspects?’ What about the physiological aspect of it? Why are they so narrowed down? Why is not being talked about?’ And that’s the few questions I’ve asked them and clearly no-one, no-one at all has answers because I even asked one of the doctors, “Even this breastmilk can be analysed in the laboratory. Do we have any laboratory studies?” Just like we analyse blood samples that analyse human milk from affected mothers, even mothers who have high viral load are compared with women who have low viral, undetectable viral load. What’s the difference?” and the doctor said, Oh he hasn’t researched to see if there are laboratory studies done, and I was like, ‘okay so the information you provided where did it coming from?’

They said, “It was guideline.” I was like, “What is the guideline based on? What informs the guideline?”

And what answers did you get?

They didn’t give me answer, you know, I think like I said maybe because I’m a black person they don’t understand that I have research understanding, I have understanding of how some of these things work. Most policies are informed by research and research can be outdated after some time when we have new knowledge and if there is no new knowledge you know you’re interpreting the old knowledge with caution. Maybe something may have changed so when I ask them questions, they treat it like, “Oh she doesn’t have enough knowledge, or she may not understand.”

Well, I think so because there was something that happened between my GP and I think I went to the hospital and my GP said, “Oh because you’re a nurse your line manager needs to know your status because we need to protect the patient from you.” And I was like, “Hold on a minute, that is none of your business and it’s none of my line manager’s business.” That lies with Occupational Health, and she went, “Well she needs to inform my GP,” and I was like, “You are digging into my privacy, and I wouldn’t take it up,” so when I called my team looking after me, they said, “She has breached confidentially. It’s not in her power to do so.” So and I said I wanted to know how the matter ended. No-one contacted me to say because the GP, is an Indian and before then I’ve had a chat with occupational team, occupational health, and they told me, “It’s none of my line manager’s business to know,” that a lot of people have different ailments. What is important is that I look after myself,” and so, so and the GP says, “No your line manager must know because they need to protect the patients from you.” So, this is some of the things that they make me think that there is more to the way I’m being treated given my ethnic background because I doubt she would treat a white person that way.

First, I went into denial, and I had to embrace it because I had to protect the unborn child. My husband did test, it was negative, and I have to protect the family so the first medication they gave me I had very terrible allergic reaction. I had swollen lips; I couldn’t breathe. I had rashes all over me and that affected my sort of trust in the care they were providing then I was in [ward]. So, when I got job in [City], I transferred to [City]. I was very reluctant to commence any treatment because the first one I had nearly killed me, nearly, I survived narrowly.

Even the doctors were, the extent of the reaction shocked everyone. So, then I moved to [City] and met the team here and I think I was it about six months then I started the treatment that I had for that short period, I was taking two pills and it did work, it did work so after my baby I switched to the treatment which I’m now having, and it’s been okay.

I think everybody was just concerned about, ‘Oh you’re six months, you’re getting to a very risky period. We’ll have to bring the viral load down to keep the baby safe.” How I feel about working wasn’t really considered.

And I think all of them boiled down to what made me have depression when I had the baby because I had a very terrible depression, and I struggled a whole lot before I was able to adjust.

So, it was just about the baby, you know, bring milk for the baby. Everything was about the baby. It wasn’t more for me I feel like I wasn’t existing exactly just, ‘We’ll give her tablet, let’s take care of the baby.” That’s how I see the whole thing.