At one time when I turned up there I was given I haven’t got it quite clear in my head but I think I was given Haloperidol and my tongue swelled up, and it wasn’t until one of my neighbours who had been having a cup of tea with me when the crisis team came out. He’d gone home, I think he followed the car to the unit, and then he’d come home to get me some bits and bobs and that because I was still in my slippers and stuff, and when I came back I couldn’t talk properly. It wasn’t till I was talking to him that they realised that I needed like an antidote to take my tongue back down, sort of thing like, you know. Otherwise it was going to throttle me and that. But yes, they didn’t always say, oh you know expect this or expect that.

How did you get involved with Rethink?

I think it was just reading the newsletter and they said that they were interested, you know, in I think it was the way the government’s change things. They want things to be, not exactly user led, but for the, any sort of client, patient, tenant, whatever, to be involved in the services that they receive and that sort of thing. So .. power to the people, you know, and that. So I just responded to that. I responded to their request. I thought yes, I can do. Yes, I’ll give a go. And that. And I wasn’t always reliable and that. But quite a lot of the time I put a fair amount of effort in, and like I say, as I can tell it was appreciated. And certain the stuff I do now, the, the service involvement manager she’s extremely motivating. Yes.

And what does she motivate you to do?

What was it, take on extra tasks and all this sort of thing, which is like, I mean, I don’t always feel it within me, that my opinion is valid, you know, or that, you know, sometimes I think well I’m, you know, I’m out of place or whatever, you know, imposter almost. But, you know, I had a phone conversation with her a while back and she was like, Yes, no, you know, you seem to be particularly good at this or whatever, and Christ, yes. I didn’t realise I had any talents left. You know, so yeah.

Well good on her.

Yes. A lot of it is the people that you come into contact with. I mean I worked in a charity shop for a couple of months a couple of years ago over the Christmas period, and I’d been out, I’ve never worked in clothing retail or anything like that. And I’ve been out of retail for, you know, so many years, fifteen years or whatever. And I know it’s only a charity shop, but I really didn’t think I could cut the mustard and that. So, I said yes, may be I’ll do a little bit, a day a week or something like this. And the manager there was so good. So good a manager, such a good character and everything. And attitude and that, that I was doing any hours that she was prepared to give me sort of thing, you know. And as long, you know, as long as I could get there, I was quite happy to do the work and it was good, yes, good for my confidence and self-worth and all that sort of thing, you know, yes.&nbsp

And I know in particular the injections, you tend to lose your dignity to, I mean you do to an extent in a psychiatric ward anyway, although it’s not going to be as bad as prison. But yes, the injections, sometimes you, you know, you do tend to feel that you’re not in control at all, but yes.

I mean, now, I have no problems, no problems about taking my medication at all. But, at some points in the past I’ve been very suspicious of it and that you know, sort of, so I’ve not taken as much as I should, or, you know, completely ignored something. Although it’s happened the other way around, where I’ve been discharged or sent home on weekend leave without any medication. And become physically quite ill, and that, and you know, had to ferry myself back in and that to get something back in my system. Yes.

I was talking to a friend the other day. I was talking about one day when I went up down the shop, and I could hear, a barrage of abuse, every time, say, a heavy lorry went past or something like that. And there was lots of shouting and swearing at me, and that, and I was getting lots of abstract pains in my legs and that, so it was as if I was being beaten up, but, but you couldn’t see anyone, you know, you could just hear them and feel then, and you know, those sorts of experiences, you know, they can be quite traumatic and that, so.

It must have been very distressing
Yes.

for you?

Yes. I think a lot of it, you know, I’ve pretty much come through the other side. And I’ve had to deal with it for quite a few years now. So I’ve got little mechanisms. Little things that I’ve invented for myself within my imagination to try and deal with them and that. And I had a sanctuary. And the one I use is a cloud and I call it Cloud Nine. And I can get to Cloud Nine but hardly anybody else can. And it’s a safe, you know, it’s a nice white fluffy cloud and you just rest yourself there for a while, if things become a little bit too much and that you know, so
And how did you come up with that strategy?

That was through the help of a, a counsellor and that. And I think they call it creative visualization. And basically because I’ve got an active imagination, she said, you know, Work with what you’ve got or whatever, and use it as a tool You know, so if you’ve got good imagination, which I think is what tends to feed the hallucinations and that, you know, turn it, you know, turn on its head and you know, put it round to your advantage. So yeah, she suggested something like that. But I had almost been doing that before she mentioned it. So yeah.

What had you been doing before she mentioned it?

Just going off in my head, trying to find somewhere safe to be, sort of thing, you know, because I don’t know, if a, a real person, flesh and blood is bothering you know, you can take yourself away from them, or you know, send them out the door or whatever you know, but if it’s things that you can’t physically remove and that, you know, if they’re just, not exactly in your head, but if they’re, they’re not, then it’s difficult to say they’re not real, because they are pretty much real when it’s happening sort of thing, you know, but I was, just, I thought, yes, you know, I can get myself out of this by pretending.

The thing, what had happened when I was younger, and I was being abused, was, I would pretend I was dead or it wasn’t happening to me, and I wasn’t there. And that, so it was the same survival coping mechanism or whatever, that helped me out with the hallucinations. Hm.

And was it abuse by a member of your family?

Yes. Yes. Two, two different members and that so. I mean obviously as a child I thought I was being persecuted and I thought it was only me, and I mean it wasn’t until some years later that I realised there was a word for it at all. And unfortunately, the… the psychologist that I’d had when I was younger, and I was having behavioural problems at school, it would appear that she breached confidence, and I got, backlash at the dinner table that night. And that just completely blew, blew any, any trust or rapport, or, you know, chance of sorting things out then. And then later on, when I came out to live with my Mum, and I spoke to the psychiatrist briefly about had happened, he was just, in my mind, I mean I know there’s a better awareness of it now, but in my mind, he was completely negligent, he just said, Oh, you know, so you’re not scared of the sight of a stiff prick then You know, because I told him that my sex life was a bit like Piccadilly Circus, you know, where I’d become promiscuous and that. And you know, I mean I see now that its completely irresponsible of him, you know, because it’s a, it’s a destructive behaviour and that, you know, but… yeah. I’d been let down, you know, I’d been let down by the immediate authority, the people who are supposed to protect and provide for you, and whatever, you know, and also the bureaucracy, you know, proper authority and that, so I’ve, you know

Started working in a music store. And within a couple of years, I’d worked my way up to manager. And I was actually thriving under pressure there for a while.

But my social life and my life outside of work was, you know, it wasn’t the norm, as it were. I wasn’t, I presume that I was quite popular at work, but I wasn’t really outgoing or extrovert, or any way confident and that in my social life.

And eventually my work life began to suffer as well, and I actually thought I was dying. I was getting a lot of strange symptoms. And I was backwards and forwards to the doctor, and that, and getting different tests done. And then he I’d gone in there one day and he said, Oh, you know, there’syou’re absolutely fine, there’s nothing wrong with you And I just exploded. And that. So he said, Right, now I’m sending you to see a psychiatrist Sort of thing. And that was me in with the mental health service sort of thing.

And sometimes you get extremely kind voices as well. I got reminded to take my medication when I came out of hospital at one point. I was having difficulty, I didn’t have a, a proper system for sorting out my medication, and I saw a friend of mine on the bus, and he was going up to the psychiatric unit to see some friends, and he was like, Oh hi. How you’re doing I said, Yes, fine. But I keep forgetting to take my medication and that And I suppose that was half past one, two oclock in the afternoon. Around came 5 oclock and I got in my head the voice, medication’, which was the call at the hospital at 5 oclock for people to come and queue up for medication, you know, so, they can be, you know, that’s a really practical salvation as well. But they can boost your confidence or whatever, you know. Sometimes obviously they can boost it a bit too much and you get on your high horse, but you know, they can be extremely useful and kind and helpful as well, yes.

Previously I had, I had a slight problem with alcohol, but I’m virtually teetotal now, and that. It certainly is a long time since I’ve been bladdered. And you know, as you’ve heard I don’t really like going up the pub, unless it’s sort of, during the day and that where things are quite light atmosphere. Yes.

So what was it like, you said you had a problem, why was it a problem?

I think it was becI think it was propping me up every day. I didn’t feel as if I could function without it, sort of thing, you know. And it wasn’t doing me any favours. I wasn’t you know, popular with my friends and that, I wasn’t a particularly nice person to know, always when I’d had a few drinks and that. And certainly when I was younger if I’d had a few drinks than I was all free and easy, which wasn’t doing my reputation or my self-esteem much good, you know.

Yes. So it was destructive behaviour. And perhaps more, socially acceptable than cutting yourself up or whatever, but destructive behaviour all the same. Yes.