And we was there all through the summer holidays and then we got the house my Mum’s in at the moment. But when we were in the refuge he turned up, ‘cos we left to go to the shop, and my Mum went, Everyone get back in now. And obviously me and my sister were jumping around in puddles, it’s been raining, we’re a bit excited, and it’s like, Everyone get back in now. And I wouldn’t go back in, I was still jumping in puddles, and then I saw him, and literally ran, straight across the road to see him, see if he was alright and everything. And it took my Mum and three other support worker people that were working there to get me off him, ‘cos I would not let go. ‘Cos I didn’t want to leave him again.

What happened there?

What in my anger management? We just do what, how I feel when I get angry, what like, how I notice I’m getting angry, like if I shake or something. And we had to write all this down. And then ten things that make me most angry. And then draw them on a thermometer, in order of how angry they make me. And then say whether they make me rage mad, just normal mad, irritated mad, or just annoyed. And then I have to write down about the ten things how I could deal with them in a positive way if they made me angry again. So I was like oh this is fun.

And literally I’ve been there and I’ve done it about nine times now. It just doesn’t work. I’m not being horrible, but writing down what makes me mad on a piece of paper is making me mad. ‘Cos again, if something makes me mad, I just try and forget about it. ‘Cos people in here keep going to me, oh, the support workers are like, People go so mad in here. I’m like, No they don’t go mad. He’s like, They do, I’ve seen [friend’s name] go mad. He was like, the other day when you two had your argument, And that’s [friend’s name] going mad? He went, Yeah. I was like, Really? Yeah. You’re like, why is you find that so hard to believe when, ‘cos you know the night I smashed up my flat, I mean that was me annoyed.

He went, You what, you looked really mad. I was like, I wasn’t mad, I was annoyed. I went, And I warn you now, if you ever, it takes a lot to get me there, ‘cos I just forget everything that happens, but if you ever see me in a full on rage, I’d move out of the way fast.

But then he played this stupid game, he went right, me and your Mum are going to leave for a minute, he went, I want you to move one thing in my office. And obviously he’s got a bookshelf full of books. He went, Move one thing, it can be a book or anything, just swap its place for something else. He went, Now come back here, and it’s my office and I’ll tell you if I know what you’ve moved.

And he was trying to work it out for about twenty minutes. He went, Right, now you leave the office, and me and your Mum are going to move something, and then you’re gonna come back in, and you can tell me whether, you know what I’ve moved. I went back in, and I just had my eyes fixed on this little, like scruffy mouse, teddy thing, and I looked up and it had gone. And I could feel them looking at me ‘cos I was staring at where it should be, but I looked round, and I was like, I don’t know what you’ve moved. He went, Why did you look up there? And I was like, ‘Cos I was trying to read what that book there was called. He was like, Oh do you want to read it? I was like, No, I thought I did, but I don’t. He was like, So you don’t know what I’ve moved? I was like, No. He went, Do you want me to explain to you why I was doing it? And I went, Yeah. He went, I’m just trying to prove a point, that you’re not listening to what I’m saying. I was like, Yes I am. He went, so how come in my own office, I didn’t know what you moved, he went, and to this point I still don’t know what you moved,

He went, but you knew what I moved the minute you walked back in the room. I went, What are you on about, I don’t know what you moved?

He went, You know I moved little Teddy Kirstie, ‘cos we noticed the minute you walked in and looked right at it. He went, And I moved that ‘cos I just saw you staring at that all the way through, and it was the one thing you’d notice I’d moved.

I was like, Okay did we come here to play games or deal with the problem?

It’s [counselling] boring. I’ve been about three times so far, and the first time she drew some jugs, and said, now draw a line on how full your good mood is today. Now draw a line and show us how full your bad mood is today. Now draw a line and show us how full your good mood is on an average day, and how full your bad mood is on an average day. And she was winding me up so much I was like, The jugs not big enough love, it’s really not for my bad mood. And apart from that, then we did a test, I can’t remember what it was, but it’s like she shows you a picture and there’s something missing from the picture. Like it’s half an orange, and one of the segments, you know where there’s that little white bit that goes through the middle of the segments. It’s missing on one of them, so two of the segments are joined. And you have to point out, and she times how long it takes you and whether you get it right or not.

What about talking about stuff, is that helpful there at all?

No. ‘Cos I don’t go to talk about stuff.

You go to draw lines?

Yeah, I thought it was to talk about stuff, but apparently no it’s not. ‘Cos the best way to sort out my head is to draw lines, work out that I’m only as intelligent as a four year old, and then, oh wait, she got me to bring one of my friends, and then she observed us playing monopoly. To see how frustrated I got. And I was like, Look. She’s like, You’re getting frustrated. I went, No I’m getting frustrated at you stood there staring at me. I went, If you want to observe, why don’t you play? Best way to observe if you play with us. And she wouldn’t, and I went look that really annoyed me, just stood there staring at me. Please stop it. But she wouldn’t so.

What happened there?

What in my anger management? We just do what, how I feel when I get angry, what like, how I notice I’m getting angry, like if I shake or something. And we had to write all this down. And then ten things that make me most angry. And then draw them on a thermometer, in order of how angry they make me. And then say whether they make me rage mad, just normal mad, irritated mad, or just annoyed. And then I have to write down about the ten things how I could deal with them in a positive way if they made me angry again. So I was like oh this is fun. And literally I’ve been there and I’ve done it about nine times now. It just doesn’t work. I’m not being horrible, but writing down what makes me mad on a piece of paper is making me mad.

‘Cos that’s what I’ve always done. Anything that’s upset me I’ll just forget it. Everyone’s like, Are you alright? I’m like, I’m fine. Something would happen like, one of my best friends would just be killed right in front of me, it would be like, Are you alright? I’ll be like, Yeah I’m fine. And I’d just forget about it. I just push it to the back of my head and think as long as I don’t think about it didn’t happen.

I’ve got this thing where I don’t like anyone seeing me hurt or upset. ‘Cos it makes me look weak. I mean now I’ve cried in front of three people. And that was my boyfriend, [friend’s name] and now [friend’s name]. I’ve never cried in front of my Mum. If ever I got upset at home I’d go up to my bedroom.

Or just put it to the back of my mind so I didn’t get, look upset no more. ‘Cos I do not like being upset in front of people, ‘cos it makes you look weak. Well it probably don’t, but I think it makes you look weak so.

Why don’t you want to look weak?

I don’t know. ‘Cos everyone thinks I’m this strong person and I’m really not.

The only thing that makes me strong is I don’t deal with things. Like if you turn round I could have someone full on shouting in my face and it wouldn’t bother me, well it would look like it hadn’t bothered me, but really it had. You will get someone who it bothers, they shout back, so you think oh this person is easily wound up, she doesn’t deal with things very well, but then five minutes later she’s fine again. But because I don’t shout back, they think, Ah she deals with things well good. But I’m still dealing with it like three months down the line. ‘Cos I would never actually deal with it.

So I told them [Education Welfare Office] that I wanted to live with him [dad], but then, I was a bit shy so when my Mum come to pick us up from school, she was like, Who did you tell them you wanted to live with? And my little sister went straight away, she went, Oh I said I wanted to live with my Dad. And she looked at me she went, Who did you say you wanted to live with? I was like, I said I wanted to live with you. She said, Did you really? I was like, Yeah. And I couldn’t tell her that I’d said I wanted to live with him. And then about a week later, the education welfare officer comes round again to check his house, and my Mum’s house, and they was like looking at them both, and then they sat down and we had a chat with my Mum and we had a chat with him, and the education, I remember to this day the Education Welfare Officer told my Mum that I’d said I wanted to live with him. And I literally ran upstairs crying and I pushed my bed in front of my door so she couldn’t come in. And she was just talking to me through the door for about half an hour, I was just like sobbing my heart out. She was like, Kirstie it doesn’t matter, I understand why you’d say it, blah de blah blah, ‘cos he promises we’ll go on holidays during school time like, and everything, and obviously compared to what my Mum’s saying, you will have to go to school, you will have to do your homework, living with him was gonna sound so much better.