So I was booked off three weeks. I went back after three days. And I was working long nights, because I was working for a partner who was really busy. That stage. So I was working until eleven at night because I had no other commitments. And with [partner]’s work, he would work overtime. I actually landed up bleeding, from all of the extra stress of it. But that was – For me, that was just my way of getting through, and coping. I wasn’t having to think about what happened. And I just – that’s why I think that I blocked so much out.

And it was about – I think we were twenty two weeks into – twenty three weeks into the pregnancy. And we were actually going to find out – we were going away that weekend with some friends, but that Friday we had a scan booked and we were going to find out the sex of the baby. We wanted to know, because our parents were going on about it. So obviously we were in that stage where everything was considered safe, you know? That you think you’re past that hurdle of the twelve weeks. And the sonographer turned everything on, and within thirty seconds she switched everything off. And she just turned around and she said “I’m so sorry.” And she said, “The baby’s dead.” And, I just lay there. I was like – She said, “Looks like the baby’s been dead for about two weeks.” And I was convinced that I could still feel kicking. But anyway, she called a doctor. And they took us into a room. And they were very good, at the [hospital]. And she said to me, “What we want to do is admit you, induce you.” And I was like “Well no, you can’t – we’re going away.” And she said, “Well look, have you got any pains? Have you had any pains? Any symptoms?” I said, “No, I feel absolutely fine.” And she said, “Well, look – go away.” She said, “This is the name of the hospital in [county].” And she gave me a name. “If there’s an emergency, contact them. But we want you to come back on Sunday night.” So I said “Okay.”

And anyway, we went back on that Sunday night. And I asked them to double-check. You know, could they take – just to check – I said because it was so quick, could they please just double-check? “I don’t want to be induced and then find out the baby’s alive, and – you know.” So they called a doctor. And I’ve got to say, they were really, really good. They went through everything. They opened up the whole room. And got a sonographer in, that Sunday evening. And she explained everything. And she just said how you can tell when a baby’s died earlier, because of the size – they start to shrink in size. And she said “There’s no heartbeat, not moving.” But she said “You might have just felt that, maybe with a bit of like amniotic fluid – the like rocking sensation of it.”

And I was actually – they, at the [name] hospital they’ve got a room that’s called [home style birthing room]. And we were there. And I started contracting. They call it a mini birth, because it’s these mini contractions that you have. And I landed up actually going to the toilet, and that’s where – I delivered the baby in my hands on the toilet, at that stage. And I had to shout to [partner] to get the sister in. And she got someone in. And the cord was attached. And she was just curled up. So tiny. You know? She just fitted in my hand.

And how different did losing Noah at 23 weeks feel to the other miscarriages that you had had before?

Oh, it was – For me, a major thing compared to – I think the closest to that was probably when I was eleven weeks, and I miscarried. Because there was quite a bit of afterbirth, and the – when your miscarriage is the clots. Yeah. You don’t realise how much you actually lose. But I suppose there’s [sigh] – a teaspoon of blood looks like a hell of a lot. I think it’s harder when you’re actually delivering a baby, when it’s in a foetal position. And the umbilical cord is attached. So it was so thin, and – you know – I just remember just sitting there, when I caught her. I was like – she just slid out. I was like on the toilet. And I caught her in my hands. And, yeah. To me – Having a miscarriage is a lot different to having to deliver a stillborn baby.

How long did the labour last, do you remember?

It was quite – I think within two hours? Yeah, I delivered quite quickly. And what they did say was, you know – everyone says – they call it a mini birth, but there’s nothing mini about it. And she’s right. You’re in just as much pain as what you are when you’re delivering – you know – a full term baby.