Are you a spiritual person at all?

Yes, when I was getting on well, I got into meditation and Kundalini yoga and stuff like that, and apparently when you become unwell like this, you turn to those type of things. But I never, I’ve heard stories, like people thought they were God, and people think there’s some kind of spirituality going on. But I wasn’t really like that, but now that I’m better I do go to a Gospel church and I think that there’s a lot to be said for believing in God, because it’s supportive and that’s a good thing, but like, yeah, yeah.

And so does anything like prayer help you or is it more like the community in the church or…?

I just like the music, because they sing really happy songs, and that kind of suits my personality. I don’t think too much about it, and I don’t go to the Bible talk or anything like that. But I just like, I don’t really like talking about God that much in like a group, but I might help, like I go with my friend and she, I like talk to her about how God’s helping her to improve her life kind of thing, because she likes to improve things, just like I do. So yes, that’s nice.

And then my, since then my life got better. And I just had to get back on the right track. So my parents put a lot, they’d always put a lot of investment in my career. So they invested a lot of time in me to try and sort out my career. So I think that’s what’s helped. I moved house again. And I moved in with some very nice house mates and that helped. And my Mum also helped me with my appearance. So I had to be taught how to dress well. I had to wash. Stuff like that. I was like a baby again. I had to be parented again. And then the areaSo basically I got my career back on track. I lost another job while I was in recovery, because I was adamant I would go straight back to work, because I’d be, because I lost my job I was off work for a year, while I was ill, before I was diagnosed. So I was just running about the place, like trying to bug friends on their lunch breaks, and stuff like that. Just, God knows what I was doing. I did some work experience, I did a course, stuff like that. But I was just bumming about basically. And when I was getting better I lost another job. And then finally I started contracting which really suits me, because you do short term contracts. And also by that time in my career, I learnt enough skills to hold down a job. Because my career, my chosen career I was sort of launched in at the deep end, because I didn’t do a vocational degree. So it was very difficult for me to concentrate. And some of symptoms are difficulty in concentrating, difficulty in following things through, so all the type of things that you need to be a professional in business. It was very difficult.

And yes, the one area that I’m still trying to fix is about relationships, friendships, because when I was ill, I was basically left with no friends. No one wanted to come near me. Everyone either had, I don’t know, thinking about it, may be they had a stigma. I had a stigma because I was concerned about it myself, but I was so worried about being diagnosed and labelled that I didn’t go and get the help that I needed early enough. Because looking back I should have gone to get help, what, ten years before, for depression, but I never did. I never got the help that I needed. And I can’t say that for ten years I was suffering, because I wasn’t. I having the time of my life, but I was being reckless, I was overspending, just things like that. And, people who knew me slowly drifted away, and I was not making new friends. So when I was actually diagnosed, I was, basically had no like [inhales] now, I see myself, I’m back to where I was before, but I’m much more wise, I’m much self reliant, and have confidence in myself, but I think I’ve got this ideology that friends let you down. Because when I needed them most, at my time of, my hour of need, no one was there for me. But my family was there for me, but no one else was, and yeah that was really difficult.

I changed drugs after I went to visit my birth family. I changed drug, and the new drug was better for me.

What was the new drug?

Citalopram or something like that. Now I’m on three medications. I’m on a antipsychotic an antidepressant, and a mood stabiliser, and together they work. They make me feel better. I never, I thought, oh God people think oh God what a burden, like having to take three medicines a day. That means you’re not better. But it means that I am better, do you know what I mean? Yes.

So you’ve had quite a good experience?

Yes. Yes. The only thing is before I went to hospital, and then while I was at hospital, I put on a lot of weight, and they say that the drugs, make you, make it harder for you to lose weight, because they increase your appetite and they slow down your metabolism. So people blame it on the drug, but really it’s the condition, and I think that it’s better to take your medicine and feel well, and try and lose the weight really, yeah.

And have you experienced any side effects at all?

No. Apparently, there’s lots, but I’ve never had side effects. I’ve been so lucky.

So no drowsiness or anything like that?

No. I mean, the only drowsiness I had was the illness. Yeah.

I’m on three drugs. One’s called Lamotrigine One’s called Citalopram and ones called Abilify. it’s called Abilify, yes.

And do you talk to the doctor about dosage and stuff like that?

Yeah I was very quick at picking it up see, you just get the medicine once a month, and you take one of each a day. And you can take it whenever you like. Because I don’t have side effects, it doesn’t matter what I take it. But say if it makes you drowsy, you’re meant to take it at night time, so then you can go to sleep. But I really didn’t experience anything from them. So I didn’t have to worry about that.

Like if you are talking about psychoanalysis, you’re talking about your childhood and like problems in the past, but CBT is more like, I’m having a problem with this woman at work. How should I handle it? And they give you skills and tips to handle your current situation, rather than digging up into your past about why it’s happened. Yes. So that’s really good. I think the NHS uses that type of therapy.

And how many sessions did you have of that?

You have, I had a course of ten. And that was really useful, yes.

So what kind of things did you learn from that that you found useful?

It was, again it was about handling people, because the problem with this illness is, it seems that you’re very, susceptible to having problems with relationships, and you’re very sensitive and vulnerable to people, and people being assertive, people not being open. And stuff like that, and, yes, so it just taught me some skills of how to handle nasty people at work. Bitchy people. Pushy people. That kind of thing. Yes.

Well I think that smoking marijuana just was making me more and more depressed, and yes, it just got on top of me, and it was like a bad feeling that wouldn’t go away, and it was a feeling that I was like clinging onto because my worth was so low. Yeah. Yeah. But like, I can handle people doing drugs now. They can do drugs around me, they can drink around me, and I don’t necessarily stigmatise them into thinking that it’s doing bad things for them, because they might be totally comfortable with it and just enjoying the high. But for me it went out of control.

Did the high go out of control or did the

The lows. I just got likeI got addicted to a bad thing. To a thing that was bad for me. Like I checked I was it, even though it wasn’t making me feel very well. it’s strange what I was doing, but that’s just what I did. I thought it looked good. Yeah.

Yeah. It was very difficult, because like life, there’s no like a, no one’s standing there handing it to you on a plate. So you have to be quite resourceful, so I read a lot of websites. I went to book shops and read some books. And recently I’ve joined a group. Like a help group, which will help, and obviously I had my nurse and my doctor which helped me once, once I came out. So that was good. I had a lot of support with getting the areas of my life fixed up. So finances. Career. That kind of thing. Like a lot of professional support. And yes, I felt very dependent, but I felt like, I just felt negative about the whole thing, but then, yeah, looking back it’s like, how did I survive, I suppose? But you just do, do you know what I mean, you just get on with it? Like people who have physical conditions, they, like a backache or something, or broken leg or something like, disabled people they just get on with it I suppose and that’s what you do. And the fact is, that I was always told, oh you’ll get better. You’ll get better. Which was really important.

Like the strangest things kept happening. it’s like, you know, like you get twilight hour, you know that, like in a movie where it goes twilight hour, and it’s all oh nah nah nah nah. And it’s a bit like that. Like honestly, the strangest things kept happening. Like

What sort of stuff was going on?

Like once I went to visit my friends and when I got home, all I could smell of was cats litter. And like it stank. And I was like how the hell has this happened, I didn’t even go near their cat litter. And I was like, oh my God, they’ve cursed me. Do you know what I mean. Just imagine, imagine that in your reality. Like, it’s like, what on earth? But that was like it was liked they cursed me when I went to visit them. They must be witches and stuff like that. It was really bizarre. Yes. Really interesting. I don’t know what that was about or, yes, but I know now looking back, like my experiences, my subconscious was like coming into the front of my brain. So like, weird thoughts that I had, like I think I built up a weird perception of myself, and a weird perception of the world, and then it all exploded, because it got too much. Do you know what I mean?

Yes.

Because I had, I did have interest, bizarre experiences growing up, like my adopted Mum she’s very aggressive and quite frightingly bitchy and stuff like that. And I think I was very scared as a little girl. Of her, and like her losing her temper and stuff. She was very cold and callous, and like imagine you’re a nice homely mummy, but they’re like that. it’s like, it’s enough to tip anyone off the edge you know. But like the other types of things that happened was I’d be watching the telly and my perception would be that what they were saying related to me. I’ve heard this one before, but it’s’ different to how you think when it actually happens. it’s like, like it, it’s like, it’s like you’re learning, but you’re very conscious that you’re learning. Because it seems so relevant. You’re like picking up really loads of tools, kind of thing. You’re like wow, wow, wow, this is interesting. This is interesting. And like, you’re like God, thank God I watched the telly. Thank God I watched that programme. It really enlightened me. So it’s very subtle, but it’s like your perception of reality is like a bit distorted. Because to any one else, it’s like oh yeah I watched that TV programme. That was interesting. But to me, it’s like oh God. it’s heaven sent. Do you know what I mean. Yes. it’s like that

I didn’t get on with the first doctor, they were trying to keep me away from the doctor. But it turned out it was just that doctor. It wasn’t all of the doctors.

What was the matter with him/her?

He was just really like abrupt. I don’t know if he was racist, he was white, but he was really like, oh you’ve got schizophrenia. it’s the onset of schizophrenia and he basically acted like there was no hope for me. Whereas other people are like, Oh you’ll get better And giving me practical advice like, wash yourself, go for some exercise, eat vegetables and fruit, and do you know what I mean? All the like practical skills that people have in life, but they go, they go out the window when you become unwell, because you kind of lose your grip on everything. So, no one was giving practical advice, they were just writing me off basically. That doctor.

Like it just, I had friends, but I just didn’t feel very comfortable or secure. I don’t know what it was. I think it was the first part of my illness, but it’s hard to say, what exactly was going on. I think it’s like a circle, like I felt isolated, so I wasn’t making friends, so I felt unwell, and that made me feel further isolated and so I wasn’t making friends and it just went on like that. Yes.

And was this from your first year onward?

Yeah. It happened from the beginning. And I got involved with this guy, and he was like, just, not, we were in love, but he wasn’t, like he was a good boyfriend, and that we liked to talk about things and feelings and stuff. But he was a bad boyfriend in that he wasn’t very loving and caring and he wasn’t very supportive. He needed a lot of support himself. And we, drank a lot. I drank a lot. We smoked a lot of marijuana. We tried all sorts of drugs, which weren’t very good for my health at all. Got in really bad states from drugs and alcohol. So, yes, there was that as well.

And what was your experience of that?

God, in moderation and with the right people, they’re okay. But you shouldn’t. You can just get so out of your depth with those kind of things. Yeah, that’s my experience.

Well growing up I was always very very happy person. And I was adopted, and I lived with my adopted family. I had two younger brothers. I was very much took care of my younger brothers and my parents were both career Mum and Dad. And I went to very academic school, and I always got good grades and then when I hit teens

Yeah, I was a moody teenager and… Things just went down hill. I was, like dressed like a Goth, and then I had these like, very, very intense close relationships with girlfriends, like best friends, and then when it got to sixth form, I was just really depressed.

And no one seemed to care, you know, and then by the time I got to university it was like a comedy of error. Like my whole just turned awful, like everyyou know, when everything, you turn a corner and the whole, the whole thing’s gone wrong, and it’s like a big mess in front of you.

So this went on for a few years, and then I went to the doctor and he gave me a leaflet about anxiety. So it was a case of first I was depressed, and then I had anxiety. But he didn’t treat me, or tell me anything. He just said, Come back But I never went back, I just went away with, thinking that I was, that I had anxiety.