I’d like to see the psychiatrists give up their power over us. I would like to see more trans, I’d like to see healthcare built around trans people’s knowledge and needs of ourselves rather than them just being about having power over us, and us having to jump through hoops in order to acquire the things that we need. I’d like to see more trans people involved in our healthcare, but not necessarily as like psychiatrists, cos we want to abolish psychiatrists, so maybe we don’t want to train as psychiatrists, that wouldn’t be great. Because we’ll be coming to you, and like yeah, it’d be like I generally want to see more just more trans specific services because I want trans services to be like available throughout healthcare services, you know, we need more like easy accessible things, and like I don’t, I feel like there are some things that are really specialist and they’re important, and when it comes to healthcare provisions but also like there’s loads of stuff that could easily be done through a GP, safely and that’d be great. And also like there’s a lot, I think there’s a lot of things about like oh, certain things are irreversible, and like sure, like surgeries maybe are quite, quite invasive and seemingly irreversible, seemingly, I have to say seemingly. But it’s, so much, so many things are like already framed around a fear of doctors getting sued, because, and not about like, and like that is like, I mean like that’s like a comment I’ve heard I think almost like, maybe, like most of the GIC people, people who work for GIC challenge, say, as it’s like are you more worried about that than actually providing the healthcare that people might need.

And, but also it’s okay if people change, like if, like trans is about movement, it’s not just from like one direction to another, like it’s okay if, if hormones work for somebody for some part of their life, and then they decide oh maybe I don’t want to take these anymore. Like that’s fine, like, yeah. We just need to like just be facilitating more, a need for more options. Like people need options, people need to see opportunities, like it’s not, not everything is the end of, is like the life or death, like you know you do this and that’s it. it’s, cos it doesn’t work like that.

I’m really aware of like how whilst you know some trans stuff, like tran, in trans specific healthcare certain things have been kind of de-pathologised, that to a degree that there’s, there’s still a degree of like the interactions that people of colour might have with other psychiatric, with other parts of mental health services, and other psychiatric services, might like negatively impact how you received trans healthcare, I think it’s like, and also especially around disability as well, right in terms of like disabled people getting denied their treatments they need for various things, also depending on like what kinds of disabilities and people with intellectual disabilities, having much more difficult to navigate and stuff, it’s just like all of that stuff has to like, all of the, all of those like elements that might influence your treatment really need to like, that all needs to be, that all needs to go, that all needs to be challenged. Yeah like I was thinking a bit about how, like so black and ethnic minority people or like black and people of colour, are more likely to have already had interactions with the mental health services, or to be like I’ve represented those resources, in those services, and I’ve, I guess I’m thinking about like how that, how that also influences the other forms of healthcare that we might need, ah, yeah, I think just, Britain’s such a fucking mess, and like, you know with, in terms of economic inequalities and stuff, it’s all racialized it’s all, and ableist. And it’s, yeah it’s, we just, we just need like, we need way more, we need way more provisions in terms of things, we need, we need more involvement, we need more voice, we need more power, we need more horizontally organised things that are not hierarchical, where some, some psychiatrist has power over the rest, over what happens to you, and if you get what you need or if you don’t get it.

In the period of time when I was pursuing healthcare like it was quite a useful tool, in terms of like trying to get things that you need. As in like the kind of like more classical trans narratives, you know, with the whole born in the wrong body’ crap, I do think that like there’s, it’s really exciting/good to see this like proliferation of, a multiplicity of trans narratives, particularly around, around like non-binary and gender queer, to be non-binary specifically, yeah, I think there’s something about the like demand to narrate trans in a certain way which is like not necessarily helpful. I find it quite funny where it was like, oh there’s this idea of the trans narrative and like your story and like the merits of like that as a mode of understanding yourself, but then I’m like actually, you know it’s like not like I feel like as life emerges or goes on it’s just like it, that’s the thing that people will try to use to define you in a way, that’s maybe unhelpful, and a bit reductive. Maybe it’s the narratives themselves that are reductive and unhelpful, but it does also, yeah it feels like there’s more that we can do than just narrate ourselves. Be that like you know, it’s like the, like don’t just write your memoirs, you can do, there’s more you can do than just that. Yeah, yeah, so it’s quite mixed feelings about it. I feel that like I think obviously like stories are really helpful for people who are, trying to come to terms with, or trying to assign themselves, or to find ways forward, but yeah, there’s loads of stuff that’s complicated and difficult that I don’t think gets talked about, either about some of the, about micro aggressions, be that about the like other ways that like trans misogyny, and trans phobia and all of the other like forms of oppression that manifest structurally. Like that they impact and influence our lives, like I think that stuff doesn’t necessarily get talked about in terms of like narratives, and that’s maybe like a bit of a, oh what do I want to say? That’s, yeah, we could do with more on, more robust narratives around a more like critical narratives around things.

They’re just like, so they give you this like, you can this talk… Okay so they, they, it’s like this group, group talk about like what to expect and what to go, and like, and they give you these guidelines about, mostly about dilating and but they kind of treat you like you won’t know how to wipe your own arse after having surgery. And yeah which is, is really, I guess is quite patronising. And… Yeah it just, it just seems quite, it seems quite ridiculous and they give you like an, a hygiene regime which is like, like really intense and it involves using quite harsh chemicals, I had a really bad reaction to those chemicals. And they couldn’t, they like didn’t really clock that that was what was happening. They, yeah, and just like saturated with whiteness, like I got, they show you like this like, this is not, obviously not exactly what they’re called, it’s like a big book of vaginas, or whatever, of like a big book of vulvas, in terms of like cosmetic appearances after surgery. And I think it was like they’re all, like people, like white people’s like post-op vulvas, and I was like, ‘Oh, this is, is this, does this say something about like trans people of colour not getting the healthcare that we need? Or is this just like the classic like whiteness is a, you know, the blinkers of whiteness, not paying attention to lack of diversity?’ Yeah, I could, I could go on, and like but I could go deeper into like what kind of… Yeah… It was just like very, very weird like, it felt like very not like, it’s almost like pre-third wave feminist ideas of like what, what gender is, is around this surgery. Yeah, it was not so, not, not prepared for like how, to encounter that degree of like gender conservatism again, after so long, you know having not, not really engaged with the GIC as a site of gender conservatism for a while.