I wish I’d been assured that the chances of reoccurrence were very low. I think if I’d had that, I wouldn’t have sort of spent two or three smears beating myself up about missing them, and panicking about thinking that I can’t let this happen. I can’t go for a smear because if it’s there, I can’t sort of deal with this again. You know, I think if I’d have had, and I think also its, talking about it afterwards, I think that’s the thing. Because it’s so sort of, I think anybody whos ever had the word cancer, no matter how you say it, said to them, it just stays with you, you know. It does stay with you.

So I think if I’d had CIN3 said to me at the beginning, maybe my head would not have just heard the word cancer. And then maybe I would’ve not ignored two or three smears. And I’m being honest that I did that because I thought it would come back. And then of course every cycle you look at, you think, you’re watching. I was watching every cycle thinking if there’s a change then this has come back. And of course our cycles change all the time but, you know. So yes, I think that would have been really important to have helped understand that I could’ve got on with my life. Well I did get on with my life, but I wouldn’t have worried quite so much on quite such a regular basis.

I think that’s the thing, and I think because it’s such a, it was such a quick, everything happened so quickly, that was the other side of it, you know, regular smears and I imagined these things took ages to evolve, you know. I thought cell changes, I thought well I’d be okay because I’ve had three or four smears in so many years. I’ve always had regular smears. And it was the speed of it all that I think was quite shocking. So yes, sort of at the time more information definitely. Definitely.

The emotional took a lot longer to sort of heal from really, because the physical symptoms were just, well I’ve had four children you know, it wasn’t anything that, there was no extreme pain in any of the procedures, none of them. Slightly embarrassing with your legs wide open, but nothing any more than that.

And yes. And then coming back to sort of family life. And I think then it kicks in, you know. it’s not something I sort of thought too much at the time, and just got on with it, but I must say the word cancer’ just kept playing around in my head. You know, carcinoma in situ’ kept going round in the head. And I didn’t really realise at the time that it was pre-cancerous. So even though it can spread or you know, it can also if I hadn’t had the smears, that’s what I really think, if I hadn’t had the smear test, he said that he has women that two or three years later, it’s too late. You know, so from that point of view it’s like, I then made it my mission to just say, Everybody have a smear, you know

I can probably honestly say no, I didn’t always go [to follow-up appointments] because then life took different turns. And I think what I was very aware of was that, you know, at the time with my sort of family situation, I thought, Nothing can happen to me. it’s not allowed to happen to me because if it does, then it’s going to be awful

Because I had no family, and no, and my partner was going through his illness, and the children needed me. I thought I can’t be ill. So the thought of it reoccurring would’ve been too difficult for me. And so I think I must confess to have not gone to perhaps the bi-annual ones, you know, the two year ones.

And I think I missed two. But in missing two, I don’t quite know what that says about me, because having gone through the experience you think the last thing you’d ever do is miss a smear test. Because, you know, having that smear test caught me at those stages where it was dealt with. And I don’t quite understand why I did that. I guess apart from fear. I’m not sure.

And at that time it was your GP that phoned you at home?

Yes and that’s the thing that I remember thinking, Gps don’t ring very often And I think then that yeah, I didn’t want to sort of think, it’s hard to explain. Like you sort of say, Oh I know that I have to go and do this and deal with this but why are they calling me? Is it more serious, is i

So you’re not really knowing how serious it is, and just as in all the dramas on anything, you think Oh the phones ringing, you know, this is going to be just the worst news ever But in fact I think, if I’d have understood that was procedural, and of course the quicker you go and deal with things obviously the better, you know. But I think all this sort of stuff and dramas and TV documentaries, Aah, the phones ringing, yeah It sort of immediately puts you into panic mode really, but obviously, you know.

And the phone call would make the process quicker, would a letter, would you have preferred a letter?

Do you know what, I’m thinking probably I might have put a letter in the drawer. I think I might, even though, like I say and going back on the time, I knew instinctively that something wasn’t right, I just knew something wasn’t right because I don’t, like I can’t explain why, and as I say the only sign I had was the one tail end of blood at the end of a monthly cycle. And so I think in a way it was, the phone call was good. The phone call did make me think, No, you really have to go and go to where we say, you know, and don’t ignore the next procedure