I didn’t get taught anything. Might, I mean, my school we had, we got taught sexual health, Sex Ed in Year 9. And we had two separate things. We had one lesson on earlier on in the year, that might have been Year 8. And then Year 9 we had a proper like month of it. But the first thing we ever got taught was a session—from our Geography teacher of all people. And all it was, it was about gay people, it was ‘Gay people have AIDS’. That was what we were taught. It was, you know, about the AIDS crisis and then when I thought I might be gay I started worrying, am I gonna get AIDS from being gay? Didn’t realise that what they were saying. So they taught it wrong. And that’s all we heard of LGBT the whole time. We had sex ed and it was just ‘a guy and a girl do this’ and ‘use contraception’ and ‘don’t get pregnant’ and ‘this is an ultrasound’ and ‘this is this’ and, and then occasionally, ‘guys and guys and girls and girls get together sometimes’. That was it. That was all we heard. Nothing, nothing to support asexual people, pansexual, bisexual people, you know, LGBT at all. Nothing.

And I didn’t find out anything about trans sexual health or you know, saying no to certain things due to dysphoria wasn’t taught. I kind of learned the hard way about that. Like I said, I had an abusive girlfriend who would pressure me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with that made me dysphoric. You know, and I wasn’t taught that, you know, being trans you are able to say no you don’t wanna take off your binder. You’re able say, no, you don’t wanna do this. I kind of wasn’t taught about that. I wasn’t taught about, you know, safety of this, that or the other. I wasn’t taught about you know, two females having sex or two males having sex. I weren’t taught on anything. I still feel like I’ve probably don’t know enough but anything I have learned has been from YouTube videos where I’ve actually gone to the effort of thinking, actually, is there, is there advice for this and googled it. I’ve learned how to communicate with a partner like beforehand what I’m comfortable with and what I’m not. And I’ve been fortunate that any partners I’ve had since my abusive ex had been really nice people. So it was mostly her was the problem. But I think there’s not enough information. Not enough information in schools but there’s not enough information online. I’ve only ever come across a couple of bits here and there about sexual health for same-sex relationships or whatever. I mean, sometimes, when I’m looking at things that are purely about biological things, I look at AFAB things, assigned female at birth, because technically for the time being that’s what I would have to look at for sexual health advice. So I look at those that, there was no information about this, you know, the, that STDs and STIs can be passed between females or between males. I didn’t, I didn’t know that. And it was, it was a surprise when I found out that that was a thing. So, no, I haven’t been taught enough and there isn’t enough resources online for it.

To a GP specifically be super supportive. Even if you don’t get it. Be super supportive because Ive had the most supportive GP ever. And she has made the biggest difference to everything. I really was feeling awful and dysphoric. I was wearing three binders and stressing out cause I didnt think I was gonna be able to get testosterone and then she’s been here and she’s said, Yes, shared care. Yes, well do what we can. Yes, well help you. And it has been the best experience ever. If you gonna support this person, youve got to support it with all your energy. Be proactive almost like, you know, suggest going down this route or looking at that. You know, if they say, can you email this place, you know, can you email GIDS. Can you do that or can you ask the head doctor of the surgery like if we can set up shared care. Instead of saying, okay, well get back to you in a couple of weeks. If, you know, if it’s such a small thing as writing an email. If you can get that thing done quickly that shows that that trans person, someone cares that you’re getting, you’re making progress. And to that person it’s, it feels like youve just gone up a whole flight of stairs, not just one step. You know, it feels, it feels great. For other healthcare professionals, make sure you really are competent and know what you’re doing and know what you can and cant say to a trans person. And lots will say, oh, everyone’s so sensitive and easily offended. It’s one thing being super sensitive and easily offended. It’s another thing where youve said something that kind of really isnt okay and that person’s upset and that person isnt gonna want to open up and theyre not gonna want to talk to you. Theyre not gonna want to continue down that route. Theyre gonna be looking at other ways. You really need to know what you’re talking about. If someone has made it very, very clear that hormones are the way then even suggesting, do you need hormones? It feels like, you know, a, a punch to the stomach. It’s not pleasant. That person isnt taking you seriously. They obviously havent listened, sort of thing. And make sure, make sure you understand what that person is and isnt okay with. If that person says theyre very much not okay with anything, you know, sexual [aircraft flying over] themselves and they don’t even wanna think about it, because of the dysphoria and you’re like, well have you tried it. Have you done this. You know, if someone’s made it clear then suggesting they go against something that they really made clear is just offensive. So, I think make sure you’re fully competent on, on stuff and that you’re not upsetting that person more than they already are. And if theyve already been waiting two years, living as their true gender they don’t need a six month assessment. They need action.

I think the, it is frustrating that there are things it cant do. It cant magically make you gain a six pack overnight. It will gain slightly more muscle, because it will just change the muscle ratio. So you will gain a tiny bit. Unless you keep working out, you’re gonna lose that fairly quickly. So, yeah, I think some people think as well that it is gonna solve all their problems. Some people are like, Oh yeah I’ll have testosterone now I wont be depressed and I wont be anxious and I wont have this. Magically, you know, I wont be dyslexic any more. And I’m like it’s not quite like that. But I think it will help any depression that’s related specifically to being dysphoric or whatever. It is frustrating that it cant just magically change everything. I’m not going to grow a penis overnight. And it does take time to change things especially if you’re having gel which I’m gonna have. But I think the things it cant change you, you do kinda have to come to terms with it, especially at my height. I like to remind myself that Prince was only five foot two and I’m taller than him. So, things like that. And I wear shoe risers and fix old shoes to add a few extra inches to my height. Other than that, you know, once Ive transitioned Ill just get my pair of, big pair of kinky boots and walk around in those and no-one will know how tall I am. I think, I think some people get angry. It cant fix all their problems. You know, it’s just, it is just a hormone. It doesnt, you know, no-one decided that that’s how it works.

I remember very vividly thinking, I am lesbian [laughs] before I came out, because I thought, you know, I couldnt ever be in a relationship with a guy. It just makes me uncomfortable. Id been in a relationship with a boy and I was, this is not right for me. Then I was in a relationship with a girl and it was better. I remember thinking that. And then after I came out as trans, I suddenly realised actually no, I’m pansexual and what it is that before I was out as male I was reminding everyone of how much of a tomboy I was. Being in a relationship with a girl I was always the more butch or masculine of the pair and it made me feel more masculine and less dysphoric. Being in a relationship with a guy they were looking for a girl. They were searching for a girl to be with. And it’s like they treat me as a girl. They wanted me to be a girl and I wasnt and it would make me dysphoric. It wasnt until realising now I’m presenting myself as a man, you know, any man who likes me is looking for a man and will treat me fine. And I realise that I’m pansexual with a strong preference for guys, actually. And I just, it’s since coming out and being very comfortable in my body, comfortable in my body, comfortable in my expression that Ive realised that, actually, I was kind of wrong before, it was just me doing what I could do to relieve dysphoria. And Ive actually had boyfriends and girlfriends since coming out, but I have a strong preference for boys. I have a crush. He doesnt talk to me. But, you know, that’s fine. Ill just be rejected in the corner.

Do your research, always. Watch every YouTube video you can find, read every article, join every forum, ask questions. If you know trans people ask questions, ask questions. You know, maybe if you know a trans person talk to them and say, I’m just questioning and I want to ask you many questions as I can. And they, they will, 99% of the time they will be yeah sure, shoot. Ill talk to you about anything. And it’s like, make sure you know what you’re talking about, because you don’t wanna sort of come out and then un come out and have a mistake and then I’m not sure I’m still questioning and then your parents are like, well, you changed your mind last time I’m not gonna support you this time. Make sure you kind of have, are pretty sure of what you’re talking about. You know, of course, you can, you might change your mind later. You might come out as trans and be like, actually, I feel like more non-binary or might come out as non-binary actually I feel more like this.

The other thing is there is no rush to come out. Make sure you’re safe, first and foremost, because you don’t want to come out to your parents and have them absolutely kick you out the house. You have everything taken off you, you have no phone, you have no computer, you have no way of talking to the outside world. you’re are permanently going for the rest of your life theyre not gonna support you. You cant go to the doctor to talk about the, you know, you cant talk to the people at school. You have no support from your friends and theyre gonna kick you out the house. Make sure you have a safe place. Make sure you know at least one person in your family who is gonna support you. Make sure that you have a place to stay if you’re gonna, if you’re gonna have to move out. Make sure you have a warning with your friends or something. You maybe tell your friends first and make sure that they know, you know, if this goes badly, I might not be online sort of thing. Because I feel sometimes people are like pushed to come out, come out now, come out now. It’s like, well if theyre not in a safe place, if you’re not in a safe place, don’t if you’re not gonna be okay when youve come out. Wait until you are ready. And also, if you don’t accept yourself yet, you’re not gonna be accepted. You need to have accepted yourself to a level where it doesnt matter what anyone else says. you’re gonna still love yourself. You know, I think a lot of people who are trans want to be stealth when they are older because it’s not safe to not be stealth 99% of the time. If you’re, especially when travelling. If you ever intend to go to Russia. It’s like if you’re out and really loud about it youll be blocked from countries. You have to remain safe first and foremost. Make sure youve done your research and you know what you’re talking about, otherwise someone’s gonna call you out on something and, and you’re not gonna have an answer. And I think that’s, that’s the biggest thing. And, and you know, take your time and, and be understanding when people do get things wrong. I know a lot of trans people who get cross when someone gets their pronouns wrong and theyve been out for a day. I’m like, okay, calm down [laughs] it’s gonna, it is gonna take time. It, it does get frustrating when parents after ages say, Well it’s difficult. And then, it’s like, okay, it’s been a few months, you are not trying hard enough. But if it’s not being very long or someone hasnt seen you in a while or whatever and it’s just an honest thing. don’t get mad, cause it’s just a mistake. don’t be rude. don’t invalidate the other people, you know, just, you know, if you’re gonna live your way, live you way. don’t force it on other people and stuff. But make sure you know what you’re gonna say sort of thing. And, and, and if you have to come out to one person first, you know, whether that’s your trusted friend, your therapist, your mum, you know, even if the first time you ever say it out loud is to your dog, sort of thing. You know, sometimes you cant just sit down with everyone in one go and say it. I mean, I spoke to my best friend first. And then I spoke to my parents and then I spoke to my girlfriend last, even though normally I came to her first, because I was nervous of being rejected. And you know, so don’t, don’t let anyone tell you what you need to be as well. No, don’t let anyone tell you, to be trans you need to be this. To be a man you need to be this. To be a girl you need to be this, you know. don’t let anyone tell you are not valid, you know, oh, there’s only two genders and oh, fluid isnt a thing. It doesnt matter what they think. If you are sure, if youve looked it up and youve researched and you’re sure, then go ahead.

I didnt receive anything from GIDS, the whole time I was on the waiting list. They were supposed to call me when I reached 17½ to tell me about my options and whether I was meant to move. I only called them a month ago to ask them what’s going on after my GP said, Yeah, if you’re gonna go privately you should call them and asked what’s happening at GIDS. So I called and I found out Oh yeah, we, when you reach 17½ well call you. And I’m like, I didnt receive a call. No, when you reach 17 ½. It’s two months till my birthday. you know, Ive passed 17½. It’s like, Oh you cant have been on the waiting list for that long. Ive been on the waiting list for two years, I received nothing, no letter, no update. I had to call, I had to ask and then when I did ask at one point back in April or whatever I was told, Oh youve only got a couple of months left. And that was wrong as well. So, nothing, I got nothing. No support from them. And anything, the only support I got was, I happened to be in CAMHS at the time. So I was spoke about it briefly. But I had so many other things I wanted to talk about CAMHS. I didnt really get support. So other than my best friends being the most supportive friends you could ever ask for and all telling me how you look so masculine and all of that. That’s the only support I got. Nothing from GIDS absolutely nothing from GIDS.

I didnt get taught anything. Might, I mean, my school we had, we got taught sexual health, sex ed in year nine. And we had two separate things. We had one lesson on earlier on in the year, that might have been year eight. And then year nine we had a proper like month of it. But the first thing we ever got taught was a session—from our geography teacher of all people. And all it was, it was about gay people, it was gay people have AIDS. That was what we were taught. It was, you know, about the AIDS crisis and then when I thought I might be gay I started worrying, am I gonna get AIDS from being gay. Didnt realise that what they were saying. So they taught it wrong. And that’s all we heard of LGBT the whole time. We had sex ed and it was just a guy and a girl do this and use contraception and don’t get pregnant and this is an ultrasound and this is this and, and then occasionally guys and guys and girls and girls get together sometimes. That was it. That was all we heard. Nothing, nothing to support asexual people, pansexual, bisexual people, you know, LGBT at all. Nothing. And I didnt find out anything about trans sexual health or you know, saying no to certain things due to dysphoria wasnt taught. I kind of learned the hard way about that. Like I said, I had an abusive girlfriend who would pressure me to do things I wasnt comfortable with that made me dysphoric. You know, and I wasnt taught that, you know, being trans you are able to say no you don’t wanna take off your binder. you’re able say, no, you don’t wanna do this. I kind of wasnt taught about that. I wasnt taught about, you know, safety of this, that or the other. I wasnt taught about you know, two females having sex or two males having sex. I werent taught on anything. I still feel like Ive probably don’t know enough but anything I have learned has been from YouTube videos where Ive actually gone to the effort of thinking, actually, is there, is there advice for this and googled it. Ive learned how to communicate with a partner like beforehand what I’m comfortable with and what I’m not. And Ive been fortunate that any partners Ive had since my abusive ex had been really nice people. So it was mostly her was the problem. But I think there’s not enough information. Not enough information in schools but there’s not enough information online. Ive only ever come across a couple of bits here and there about sexual health for same-sex relationships or whatever. I mean, sometimes, when I’m looking at things that are purely about biological things, I look at AFAB things assigned female at birth, because technically for the time being that’s what I would have to look at for sexual health advice. So I look at those that, there was no information about this, you know, the, that STDs and STIs can be passed between females or between males. I didnt, I didnt know that. And it was, it was a surprise when I found out that that was a thing. So, no, I havent been taught enough and there isnt enough resources online for it.

I personally believe it would have, well I know, it would have absolutely crushed me. And with the fact that I do have some mental health problems and I’ve struggled with them, I believe that I would, you know, I was born into a hole of depression for one, thinking that I’ve got another two years of this, this hell. I’d have to put sort of my life, my sort of my public eye life on hold. I’d have to wait until I’ve had the physical transition that I want and need to be out as a guy. You have to put that all on hold. All the things I enjoy, I’d have to just stop it and then go and you know, and wait, you know, put my personal life on hold just for this. I’d be very upset. I know that I’d start feeling anxious a bit, especially if I was passed my 18th birthday. I’m an adult and yet I still don’t look like an adult male cause I’ve haven’t had interventions. There’s only so much you can do to pass before you have testosterone. I know I’d start struggling with anxiety again. Because the problem with, you know, you look, you’re actually 18 but you look like you’re 14 sort of thing.

It does bring issues and it does bring anxiety with it. And so I believe I’d be feeling anxious. I generally believe that if they’d said, ‘Oh, but it’s a 2 years wait’ and there was no other option, I believe that I would be feeling suicidal as a thing and I know a lot of people express these feelings as well as me and it’s the sort of thing if you are being forced to sit and wait and wait and wait for this. It’s, you know, you just don’t wanna do it any more. When it’s already been, what – I’ve been experiencing dysphoria for 6 maybe 7 years? I’ve got the dysphoria, I’ve been feeling discomfort in my body since I was 4. And it’s the sort of thing, you know, once you’ve been experiencing that for so long, another 2 years of your adult life, it just crushes you and you don’t wanna do it anymore. So I genuinely believe it would be giving me suicidal feelings. I would be turning to any other option I could possibly find, sort of self-medicating or whatever. You know, finding friends who are on testosterone and paying them to get extra doses so I could take some, sort of thing. Because I’d be so desperate to just get on with it. It’s the sort of thing, I’ve been patient for 2 years and I’ve been feeling this for a long time. I’ve been trying my best to wait and understand and it’s just gone too far to the point where look, I’m done now. I need to get some treatment, which is why I ended up going privately, because I can’t wait for another 2 years. I couldn’t wait another 2 years and then have them do long assessments and all of that. You know, I just can’t wait that long.

They have been great. They’ve been brilliant. I did some looking online at different private places. And I was shocked that nearly all of the places were huge amounts of money. To go to have a single session was £900 at one place. And they, and I saw that as very visibly they are profiting off trans people. But the specific place I went to [name of service] were very supportive, I think very reasonably priced. They even offered financial help for people who were on low income and I believe, you know, they genuinely wanted to look out.

They have free advice 24/7. You know, you can ask any question and you send them an email. They’ll respond. They’ll tell you they have advice on their website. And they were genuinely out to support people, not profit off them. So, they were very helpful, very understanding. You know, I first contacted them I didn’t think my mum was going to support me with private. And my friend said that she would actually help me get some money together and pay, she would actually contribute and help me, cause she saw just how much it meant to me.

And I explained to them, you know, I’m currently no income or shall be low income soon, I’ve got a friend will help me scrape together some money and some savings. But I really don’t have much. And they were like, ‘Okay, we’ll see what we can do. We can sort it out’. And then later I was like, ‘Oh wait I’ve convinced my mum and she said that she can help with this’.

They were, they’ve been very affordable and they offer a shared care plan with the GP which means that if I can get my GP to agree to doing the blood test or getting my GP to agree to prescribing the testosterone, it means that I get it on the NHS and not have to pay for it. So the costs I’ve had to pay: you have £195 one time startup fee. That’s just your starting up one time. And then it’s £30 every 28 days for membership. That’s just that you’re a patient.

Other and then everything costs some but it’s not ridiculous. I saw this one place that was like, ‘Okay, it costs £240 for a half an hour session. [name of service] it was £60 for an hour booking of an assessment, which was very affordable and understandable, you can pick which person you want to be with or you can select that you want them to pick for you if you don’t have a preference for who you wanna talk to. And and then when it gets to testosterone or whatever hormone it’s, you know, £20 plus depending on what dosage you’re getting, what you’re getting, where you’re buying it from and it’s £20 plus a month.

It’s ridiculous. And it’s disgusting. I understand there has to be a wait, a wait, for a while. And I understand that, you know, they cant just rush and see everyone immediately. And when you get there I understand they have to do assessments and they have to do assessments and checks to make sure you are making the right decision and stuff. But, it’s too much. And I understand, the idea of the 6 months assessment I think is when the waiting list was so short, someone could come out as trans, get referred, a month later, they could go and talk. So, of course they do a 6 months assessment and then possibly another 6 month assessment. So that person would be forced to live as their, you know, their true gender for a certain amount of time and make sure they were comfortable with it. But now that the waiting list is 2 years long, by the time someone’s got to the top of the list, they’ve already been living as their assigned gender, not their assigned, their true gender for 2 years and they don’t need an assessment anymore, because, you know, not for more than a couple of weeks or a few questionnaires. You know, theyve already been doing it for 2 years. I think it’s, it it’s too long of a wait.

And especially with being moved to the adult list. If you’re moved off the child list, all that happens is you get moved to the bottom of the adult list. There is no separate thing. There’s no, well, this adult’s been waiting 6 months, but you’ve been waiting 2 years so you go above. It’s nothing like that. It’s just, sorry, bottom of the list, pretty much. Unless youve already had your assessment done in which they only move you up by about 6 months. I’m like, it’s ridiculous. There are people who have been waiting, who will get to the top of the adult list and they’ve been waiting 4 years which is what they’re trying to do for me. The NHS clinics are trying to do for me and they’ve been waiting 4 years. Some trans people aren’t gonna live through 4 years of this or they’re just not gonna make it, the stress, you know, people who already have mental health problems as well, you know, and then have this on top of them. They won’t, either they wont make it or they’ll develop more problems, you know, the number of trans people especially trans men who develop eating disorders because they’re trying to help their body in some way, because they’re, you know, desperately don’t want to be viewed as, as female and they just can’t wait any longer. You know, you get people self-medicating which causes health problems and they die from self-medicating and stuff and it’s… the wait is horrible.

And you know, I think that the Tavistock especially don’t understand just how awful it is to wake up every day in a body that is wrong. How awful dysphoria is. How awful it feels to be misgendered. How awful it feels to be trans when all, when you know 100% for certain all you want is your hormones. And they seem to think that, ‘Oh you think that you’re… it’s gonna magically fix your problems’. No, we don’t think it’s gonna magically fix our problems. I think it’s gonna magically get rid of half of my dysphoria, because I’ll have the hormones and I think they don’t, they don’t get just how awful it is to wait that long and then just be moved. And then, you know, when you get there and it’s a 6 months assessment, it’s ridiculous. They need to take into account that now the wait is a very long time and therefore when people get there, suddenly going through ‘Were gonna do a six months assessment and are you sure you want hormones?’ All of that is just, it’s offensive that they do that when you get there, so.

The only pressure I’ve felt from that has been from other trans people. There are a few. And when I say, it’s a few, it’s a minority of people who, of trans people who seem to gatekeep the term ‘trans’. Gatekeep what you can and can’t do as a trans guy or whatever. And I’m like, it’s different for everyone.

I’ve mentioned my friend who’s a bit of a knob. And he insists that, you know, if a, that you know, I “wouldn’t like singing” being a trans guy, because when I sing my voice is kind of higher and it doesn’t, it doesn’t sound “like a man’s voice”, it can’t yet. And I “wouldn’t be singing all these years up until now if I was-“, you know, if… Most trans guys would kind of be judging me. And like, yes, I don’t like my singing voice, currently. [But] I’m not gonna stop, because I love singing. I don’t want to not sing for 3 years and then try and start singing again while my voice is breaking. That’s not a good way to go. So, you know… And me singing has helped me lower my voice a bit and whatever. But you know, people gatekeeping…

“You wouldn’t paint your nails if you were trans, wouldn’t do this”. And “you have to go a certain way”. You know, “If you were really trans, you wouldn’t want to start with gel, you’d want to have shots”. I’m like, ‘Well firstly, I’m terrified of needles…!’ And secondly, I want to go through the best transition, not the fastest transition. I think that’s important. I mean, yes, I’d love to clap my hands and everything happened overnight, don’t get me wrong. But given how I need my, I want my voice to break and remain and keep my singing voice. I need to start with gel so it happens more gradually. Otherwise if it suddenly, you are getting shots and getting a lot of testosterone quite quickly and it’s all that. You know, you can end up ruining your voice. You can end up having changes that have happened too quickly, you know, cramming puberty very quickly. It is a full puberty I’m going to go through. I don’t wanna cram that in. I don’t wanna have spikes of testosterone like that when I’m having shots. Gel keeps it at a constant level and allows it to change a natural rate. I’ve had people telling me, “Oh no, you know, you, if you were really trans you would want to, you would want to have shots. You’d be rushing to get it done as quickly as possible. If you were really trans, you wouldn’t have been so patient for so long”. I was like, it’s not that I’m not trans – it’s that I’m a patient person and I wanted to show that I was grateful, you know, I feel like sometimes people think that all trans people must have this personality, this idea. I’m like but I’m not. You know, “If you were really trans you would have a problem with this too”. I’m like, no mate, you have a problem with it [laughs].