And she says, ‘How are you doing?’ You know, ‘You’re here to find out your result and everything. And say, ‘Yes. And shes just goingflick through the file like 10 minutes. Maybe she didn’t findI, I looked so happy, I was so excited. You know, everythingsIsI tell myI convinced myself everything will be fine.

And I wasn’t expecting anything. So she was just going through, over and over and over again. Again and again and again. I asked, ‘Is everything Ok?’ She say, ‘Yes, yes, I’m just checking a few more details, so I Then she put the file down. And she said, ‘TheresThe test come positive. I was happy. IPositive in termI take it different way. So I thought it’s good, isn’t it? Yes. Positive is good result.

She said , ‘No, no, no. Your HIV test is positive. ‘OK. But I was so panicked. I panicked. I can’t understand exactly what she trying to say. HIV positive. Positive in my terms is good. Because I never know anything about HIV or AIDS anything.

And I’m beginning to have a conversation between myself and my mind. I don’t know. This mind person exists, like I talk, and somebody else is talk to me in my mind. It’s happen during at nights. I won’t sleep. I’ll talk to myself. And I will answer. The person who responding to me, it is me, but it’s in my mind. But it’s always negative.

If I say, ‘Why do I have to kill myself?’ Then, then, I hear another voice say, ‘Yes, you have to kill yourself because you’re, you are, you are dirty, you are virus, you can’t change anything yourself. For someI don’t know.

I don’t know. I do lots of pray. I read the Rosary and everything. I have some courageI stop having a conversation with myself. Because you read the rosary, the beads, over and over again, you suddenly become a bit calmer. You begin to think very carefully what you’re doing, what you’re saying. Which is very important.

So they prescribe the medicationAnd they have to do more blood tests to make sure that it’s alright. Two other blood tests. So by the third week of February this year I alreadyI take prescribed medications. I took them home. I, I can’t take it. I just, I just want to die.

I don’t want to live with thisremind myself these tablets day after day, my day to day life. I just can’t. I, I just couldn’t cope.

So I have to go through another whole process of killing myself. It’s always thereI started [the medication] first week of March this year. And 2 weeks after they did the blood tests again. They just check if this medication actually is working for me.

Surprisingly my CD4 count from 199 has gone to 219. This is 2 weeks after. My viral load from millions dropped to, I think, about hundred eighty. Was very, very quick. And… Oh God. I was so relieved.

NoAs soon as you see, you know, the progress, it made me a bitquite happier. But I feel I couldn’t eat properly. But I’m, I’m religiously taking my medication very carefully every night [sniffs]. Without giving up. A month after, another blood test [pause]. My CD4 count was 2 hundred320. This is a month after.

My viral load’s undetectable. It was just a monthIf I only knew this medication was going to help me this much, all the years I wasted suffering and trying to kill myselfTry to you knowI’m dirty, I’m this, I’m that. And I think I wasted all these years thinking that I’m, I’m worthless. I didn’t realise that it… the medication are this effective.

This happen like 2 years ago. I was really ill. I wasMy whole body was swelling and, and fever. IThen I just suffered with lots of night fever every day. I, I think it started maybe end of 2001. Nights where night fever. I have to constantly get changed. And it was getting worse and worse. Sometimes I have to get changed like 3, 4 times at night. So I have a sleepless night. And sometimesyear 2002. So I was really ill. So I was with, my friend.

And then he took me to hospital for emergency doctorto see emergency doctor. When I went in, this doctor obviously don’t have any knowledge about AIDS and HIV. So hes just a doctor, on-call doctor. God, the way he treated me is really bad. Discriminations.

He just likenbsp; He asked me, ‘Have you got any other health issue, any problem?’ I said to him, ‘Look, I, I’m HIV positive. Very slowly. And he saidHe was shouting.

He goes, ‘What?’ I said, ‘HIV positive. And he just closed the file. It was like bang [claps]. It just likeOh God. And he looked’You’re not supposed to come here and see, see me. So what’s the point of coming and see me? You must beDo you have a doctor? AnythingAnyone to see your HIV?’ I say, ‘Yes. Then, ‘Yes, maybe you should go and see them. Don’t come here. That’s it. That was the end. Theres no moral support whatsoever. Theres no tests, nothing. No recommendation. Or theres no comfort. I mean this is coming from someoneof professional doctor.

I just have to say one thing. Every single person I metI mean thatI was 24, 25 or 26. But every single gay man I was speak to, they thought I’m like 16, 17. I looked really young then. And they always give me lots of long lecture about HIV, AIDS. ‘You have to be very careful. So I knowI already worked out I had to be very careful. So based on that, sex things is justI thought sexHIV isyou only can catch from man to man, you know.

So that’s another thing in my subconscious. So I always worry I can’t have sex with a man. So even kissing, I was concerned. If I kissedI thought I gonna catch something from people. It, it justIt’s kind of a cocktail, I don’t know, background, Catholic traditions, and from Asia. And then the, the scarebeing paranoid about HIV AIDS.