I have found and I still find the most difficult thingThe mo- thing that I, I really find most difficult to deal with is not how I feel, it’s how the other person would feel. So I’m having a long term relationship at the moment foroh, it’s been in fact 2 or 3 years. And that’s very strong.

But the, the thing I find the worst is thekind of the sadness when they think about it. Or when I think about it. Theres that kind ofEven though my doctor has told me thatHe says, ‘You’re not going to die of this anymore. You know, you’re going to die of a heart attack or be run over in the street. It’s that kind ofIt’s thatIt is a, it is a ratherWhen I think about it, I find it, I find it rather sad.

And I’ve found that issue I do dodge a little. The sadness of the HIVI don’t actually like seeing things on TV about HIV when I’m with my partner. It just makes me feel like oh my God, how can Iwhy did Ihow did I become HIV? And how does it affect, you know, the person that I’m with? It’s upsetting them. Because, you know, they’re upset that I’ve got it.

Some people I know, HIV is part of their life and it almost becomesIt becomes part of your identity in a way. Be it the people that they hang out with, the only sexual partners they’ll have. The, you know, the tattoos on their body. It’s allIt’s very much they are, they are in that.

But they, they’re HIV, and they’re almost like a professional HIV person. Like it becomes a key part of their life and their identityAnd I justLike I said, with the, with the drugs, I forget I’m taking them. I just like take them automatically. The way I put my lenses in or brush my teeth. It’s becomes part of my life and it justI don’t think about it.

I thought it would have more impact on my life when I was diagnosed. You know, I was thinking, oh, you know, it’s going to be changes and this and that. And then I found that it, it wasn’t. I didn’t, I didn’t need toYou knowAll my friends know and stuff, but it just isn’t an issue. Especially now since my health has stabilised.

And because I have contact lenses. Taking them in and out, I just sort of time it more or less with that. Putting my contact lenses inSo it’s a kind of a similar rhythm. I mean IWhen I spoke to the, the guy that did the medication he said, ‘You’ve got to take them every 12 hours, you know. It has to be 12 hours.

So I said, ‘Well, what happensyou know, times, is it 11? Or is it 10?’ And he says, ‘No, I have to say 12, because people will take liberties. I said, ‘So you mean it is 10? Is it’ And he said, and he saidI mean he told me basically as long as you’re within 2 or 3 hours each time, it doesn’t matter. But he can’t tell people that because then they’ll go 5 or 6 hours.

I mean some of my friends have said that they think that’s because I didn’t fight it at the beginning. So when I, when I took the drugs, I just, I just kind of accepted that for a few weeks I wasn’t going to be going out a lot. I wasn’tI mean I, I don’t want to make it sound as thought I was in bed all the hours. I wasn’tIt wasn’t that bad.

But I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t be going out late. I wouldn’t be going out drinking. I didn’t want to drink. I think when you’reyou have those drugs your body’s kind of saying what it wants to have. Maybe the reason I didn’t like to have milk or yoghurt’s because my body just didn’t want, didn’t want anything too fatty.

It didn’t, did not want any alcohol. Just the thought of it was kind of make you feel sick. So it’s probably those things yourI know your liver and your kidneys trying to deal with the drugs, it didn’t want anydairy products and alcohol being added into the mix. It’d just be too much. But after 3 weeks it started getting better…

And I think, because of the quick response, it showed that I was, I was right not to fight it. Because other friends of mine have had medication, and thought, right, I’m not going to let these drugs take over my life. So they’re taking them. And even though they’re really tired andthey’re going tothey insist on going out clubbing. They’re going to go out. And it’s taken them 6 months or so to come down to undetectable. Really long. Like really slow. And not feeling good.

And they were real- they, they made you feelma- made me feel very welcome. Theres some really nice nurses there. And theres one in particular, I can’t remember her name, one of the older nurses there. A Spanish woman. Well shes almost like a kind of a mother.

And then sheyou know, she gave me her mobile telephone number. You know, ‘Even out of hours, if theres anything wrong just give us a call. Other numbers. Even any questions. It was veryYou know, it made you feel like nothing you asked was stupid. Noth- no question you had, no, no feeling you had was stupid. It wasThey couldn’t do enough to make you feel at ease. Well, and they still do. And they’re, they’re fantastic there. I’ve noI can’t say anythingI don’t want to say anything bad because I have nothing bad to say.

And then some of friends, when they had the HIV diagnosisthey were able toreally abdicate responsibility in some way, and just push it all over onto that. And some of them went, went down thethe benefit route and kind of opted out.

So they were able to say, ‘I’m not doing my job anymore, I’m not doing that house. I’m going to go and get some social housing, get the car, get everything else, just kind of opt out of that. But no, that, that’s not something personally I would want to do. I don’t see, I don’t see the taxes as being a savings plan [laughs]. It’s be quite nice if they were, but no.

But theres sort of some who kind of opted out altogether. Which I think isnowadays is harder to do. Because of the changes. Other ones went into this kind of angerIt’s a bit like a grieving, I think. I’ve seenWell, I’ve seen my friends, and when I’ve hadfamily die, it’s that kind ofyou know, the, the disbelief, the acceptance, the anger, all these different phases.

And thatI think it’s very similar. I think any shock is probably the same. So theres lots of friends who have come out of it. But some friends seem to be stuck in it, and haven’t been able to move on from, from particular, a particular stage they’ve got in to. But because I’veI’m reallyI love my work. I’m really happy in my work. It goes really well. I love doing it.