You mentioned sperm, did they offer you sperm storage?

Yeah this is it as well, yeah going to that, I’m glad you asked that. When they told me I had to have chemotherapy to hopefully kill the tumour that was left in me they did mentioned my sperm count saying because I had, actually hadn’t had any children at that point. I didn’t plan having any children, but in case I did they did offer me a chance of banking some sperm should the need arise. Because sometimes they say that the chemotherapy can kill, can ruin your sperm count and it won’t come back. So consequently if they have banked some sperm you’ve got some in there for the future should you need it. I was told to go along, I spoke to the person on the phone. In this hospital I, you know I’ve seen sort of comedy sketches or whatever about the sperm bank where you go into a room with men’s book or magazine or whatever and give a sample let’s say. It wasn’t like that and in fact the person on the phone said if you can do a sample at home and I got a tube from my, a little specimen tube from my GP’s surgery, was if I could it at home I can’t remember the time span but you’ve got like a couple of hours to bring it in to the hospital. Now I lived about 20 miles away so I actually drove most of the way in, then got a tube in which was quite an experience. You’re standing on a crowded tube with a tube of, you know tube train with a specimen of sperm in your pocket. So you think I hope no one crushes it. But I got in there, handed it over and then waited for the result, which would go then to my GP.

But they, they got back to me, I can’t remember how they got back to me but they said that apparently on freezing they lose 10% anyway and I didn’t have enough sperm in the sample to warrant freezing because really thered be none, no point in doing it.

Oh dear.

Which was rather a blow to me, as I say although I didn’t want any kids at that point it was something, that was a moment that I can remember that I really felt like I’d been hit with a hammer. It was like someone had taken away my choice. And whether that was a masculine thing or not I can’t really say, possibly you know people would say that, but I just felt my choice was taken and I felt gutted.

I was having a yearly test, via my GP, in the local hospital where I did a sperm sample and they tested it. And I remember one thing, now bearing in mind I might have been looking to have a good sperm count, I remember one day I phoned up and the receptionist at my GP’s surgery said “Okay yes, it’s alright you know your sperm count is still nil.” Now whether, if I was actually looking to have a sperm count that wouldve been a knock back but I mean at that point it was quite good for contraceptive purposes that I didn’t need it. But I just felt she was

out of order to actually assume something there.

But it’s all back to normal now and it has been so if I wanted kids I couldve had them or could have them you know. But in some cases apparently it doesn’t come back and the chemotherapy can kill it off.

I had to have another test which was called a lymphangiogram. Now they tell you this and they say that they inject a dye in your feet, er in the lymph nodes in your feet and this dye goes through your lymphatic system and they can tell when they x-ray you whether your lymph nodes are affected by any tumours. So you go in there and you think fine they’re just going to inject my feet okay.

It was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life er it was done in the x-ray department or the radiology department as they call it. And apparently not many of these are done so at the time they said could the staff, which usually are mostly women, could they watch just to see it being done. So of course I agreed, fine, just laying there while a house doctor comes down and it turns out that they have to, they inject between my toes anyway or in between my big toe and the next toe in each foot a local anaesthetic which isn’t very nice anyway because it’s a very tender area. And then the house doctor comes down, and make an incision in your foot further up your feet where hopefully he can find the lymph node. Hopefully you won’t feel this because the local anaesthetic is taking effect. Hes cutting into your feet to find these lymph nodes and then they inject the lymph nodes with this dye.

So it turns out that he took quite a time finding the lymph node after cutting my foot, consequently the anaesthetic was running out. Then I started feeling him cutting into my foot, and I’m watching it as well, I can see it at the end, and theres this parade of women radiologists looking at me. I’m trying to stay macho and actually I was crying because it was very painful which then affects my pride in front of all these women.

Now I was actually a shift leader so I was in charge of my shift of people. I went back for those couple of weeks, I still had my hair, excuse me, and was feeling okay. People knew what I had and wouldn’t mention it. They assumed, and I found this out later that people thought I was going to die. So they wouldn’t talk about it, either because of the way I made jokes about it, which upset some people because they wouldn’t talk about it. And they, someone actually said, “How can you joke about it you know if you’re dying?” I didn’t feel I was dying because I felt at that point I was going to beat it and I felt you had to be positive anyway. But it just seemed, when people knew and the word got round that I had cancer that I was dead you know that really whatever I had didn’t make any difference. And probably they’d never come across anyone who’d had it or may be if they did someone who’d lived through it. So it was quite funny in an odd sort of way that people wouldn’t talk about it.