And when I went to feed her that night she just, the first night, because she was born in the evening, she was just crying, not interested, you know, it was a horrible night of her screaming and I had plenty of colostrum, I’ve got quite small breasts but they’re obviously producing plenty of colostrum but she just wasn’t interested in latching on and of course I was very upset about that. But because she was weak and crying, the nurses, I just expressed a little bit and gave her a little bit of colostrum by the syringe or pipette that night, and then the next, the next day obviously she was awake and everything, and we thought wed try and get to her feed but I couldn’t get her to latch on. She just, she just wouldn’t, she just wouldn’t get, there was well no suction, no grip, I’ve got quite small breasts and I haven’t got one of those really big areola and, you know, huge nipples like people say so I don’t know if that was partly a factor but and I had lots of nurses helping me but she just wouldn’t, she just wouldn’t grab on at all. She just gets upset, shed just start to cry and throw her head back and, not interested and there was plenty of colostrum, I could express it so there was colostrum coming out but she just wasn’t interested. And then she was very slightly jaundiced so the paediatrician came along and said, Oh I think wed better give her a bit of formula, you know, because we don’t want her to be without any food. So they gave her a bit of formula from a, you know, a syringe and I don’t know I feel a bit annoyed about that because I feel that maybe they intervened, interfered a bit too early and started giving her food, you know, not from me already, and I thought maybe that was a beginning of a slippery slope. And I just kept on trying and I couldn’t get her to her take any of, any of my milk from my breast, I was expressing by then fine into, I managed to express, hand express quite a lot into her little cups and started giving her cups first, cups of colostrum. And then I can’t remember who, I think it might have been the doctors but anyway, we decided oh no let’s try, she, theres no point letting her struggle let’s just give it to her from a bottle, so I put colostrum in a bottle for her and she drunk that fine, absolutely fine.

Well I stayed in the hospital for five days actually because I was so keen to try and get it going and the nurses there were very good actually and I think there was a breastfeeding support group, I think it was La Leche League I went to see a lady there, who tried again but no, no success and I had lots of midwives coming round, I think I must have spoken to about ten or twenty mid, different mid-midwives trying to get advice and some people were more encouraging than others and they were very, they did try but just couldn’t get it to work, couldn’t get her to feed. I think the paediatrician I feel a little bit angry that she was given like the formula so early on for a start even a little bit and then the bottle, you know, someone said, Oh it won’t make any difference, if you try a bottle it won’t make any difference. But I don’t know, because at first we were cup feeding her, and people said, Oh theres no point she was going to get upset with the cup, just give her a bottle. But I don’t know if that was part of it or not, you know, getting her used to something else that was just as nice and I don’t know I find it hard to believe a baby would starve, like I find it hard to believe that if I was alone in the wild and I didn’t have any other means of feeding her that she wouldn’t had have somehow latched on, but that’s just.

So it took ten weeks but it was a happy outcome in the end, you know, but [laughs] it’s quite stressful along the way, I didn’t know if she was ever going to feed, and I don’t know why she didn’t, and I don’t know if the hospital had, you k

I guess the other thing is also the one, for me one problem is, one reason not to stop at about fourteen months is, you know, you want to be able to go out and have a good drink sometimes and, you know, be able to have a night out, because you feel a bit guilty almost even, I had, I used to have a glass of wine in the evening, I think people say that’s okay but you still feel a little bit, you sort of want your body back, you know, after a year [laughs] but, I’d say give it a good six weeks and then cause I think by then it will be, you know, it’ll be much easier than you think it’s going to be.

Can you talk to me a bit more about wanting your body back?

Yeah I think just wanting, I think cause the only downside for me of breastfeeding is I did feel slightly tired all the time, I’m sure I felt, I’m sure it does make you tired cause it’s quite a drain and also, you know, you go to a party and everyones drinking and you feel like you can’t because you’re breastfeeding and also, you know, you’ve got quite big boobs and, you know, not very attractive to my husband, you know, you feel like, I feel like I’m still almost like part of the pregnancy phase almost still, you’re still very much attached to the baby which is a really lovely thing and it’s wonderful but I think also after a year you start thinking, I want to feel, feel that sort of feeling of having energy again. And also I don’t know, getting your figure back as well I think, I know breastfeeding is very good for getting your figure back in the early stages but I also think to some extent when you’re feeding your body still holds on to, holds on to fat and I feel like, you know, you just don’t feel quite like you used to until afterwards. I think it’s the tiredness is the main thing I’m sure it made me more tired than anything and just being attached to, attached to the baby you can’t go off for a weekend or, well you can but it’s always a bit of a stress and not being able to, you know, have a couple of glasses and not feel guilty really.

Anything you’d like to say to health professionals?

Well I was just a little bit annoyed at the with my first one about the intervention I think it was a little bit too, I think they were a bit too quick to give them formula milk, or to offer a bottle in hospital and I was, when I was in that ward with another lady with my second son I saw she was having the same sort of problems as me, I overheard anyway and they were offering, you know, lots of pipettes and cups and stuff and I don’t know I just, it’s really hard to know who knows what’s the best to do but I just do worry that they, the pediatricians think about the baby’s health first but not the long term problems with the mother and feeding. And I mean giving formula on the first night I thought that was a bit crazy, I don’t know, on the first day I don’t know why they were topping her up with formula because I thought I had quite a lot, I don’t think they had much they didn’t get much colostrum anyway early on, and she was taking, you know, anything I was expressing lots of colostrum, you know, and I thought that would have been enough really. I mean that was, that wasn’t very good really I was a bit annoyed about that. Other than that I think that the whole country just needs more, I think people are still very funny about people breastfeeding in public and, I don’t know the country still needs a lot, a long way to go I think before it’s really established and I’m talking about general middle class sort of people like, you know, most of my friends and they don’t like feeding in public so uneducated people whose parents didn’t breastfeed I mean I don’t know what chance they’ve got of really feeding to be honest. They probably give up straightaway after they left hospital, which is quite sad, especially if they, you know, I think to keep going for six weeks through all the problems you really need a lot of support and if you haven’t got the support there it’s not going to happen I don’t think, it’s a problem. It’s funny that something that’s supposed to be so natural is so hard early on, I didn’t realise it would ever be quite so hard, for me, I think some people will find it easy but I didn’t.