I would not want other people to rely on other people the whole time. I want quality of life you know, I do not want’ it is all about quality of life for me, and if it gets to the stage where I am dependent on so many other people, then I just don’t want it. It is not what I want you know. Because I’ve seen it and I have seen how people it is just, it gets the person down that is ill, because they are just so’ the whole time worrying about’ this person has got to come in and do this, and this person has got to wash him, and this person has got to do that. And I just don’t want this. You know for me I would just say, ‘Oh just give us a jab, help me out.

And I thought long and hard about this because I was finding that I had had situations where people were acting in a strange way when I told them that I was HIV positive. And they didn’t know their own status, and I thought well this’ you know here I am taking the time-out, not only do I know my own status, I am also looking after myself and the other person, and they don’t even know their status. And yet you tell them, they don’t know their status, and they turn around and act as if you know they want to put rubber gloves on immediately, and yet they can be doing what ever to you.

I would always tell now. Because for my head I now don’t care if the other person reacts in a way because they don’t know their status, as far as I am concerned, they are an idiot anyway. Because if they are going to treat me in a specific way and they don’t know their own status, then I don’t want to waste my time with them anyway really you know, it is just pointless. So my philosophy is to tell people that you are HIV and I you know’ because I don’t want to be I don’t even want to have sex with that person if they don’t want to know, then I don’t want to know either.

So it was difficult adjusting. I went through a very bad time. I got very depressed, because a second relationship of 10 years’ the first one died, the second one I decided’ [name of partner] yeah, that was enough. And you know it was the right decision, we shouldn’t be together, but we are best friends now. It was just at the time it was very difficult. I was you know 44 or something 43, 44. I am thinking oh no I just don’t want to go through this whole scene of going to the bars and trying to meet people and all of this. And you know I just thought a bit of a mid life crisis, it was a very strange time for me. And you know health wise I am thinking well what have I got to do, here I am, I’m you know I am not working. I’m you know feeling better now with the medication. I don’t know you know, it has its benefits in one way, but I couldn’t go back and do the [type of work] work.

So I started to use drugs more than I had, and not just recreationally, but just for every day. And I was using Speed, and Cocaine just to get through the day. I had never used this before, and I was using it as an anti-depressant’ You know to try and function, so stupidly then you know continued that. And friends were concerned they got very concerned because I wasn’t acting in the right way, and I was acting badly you know. Just, just unreliable, irresponsible and so I then started to see I was recommended to see a psychiatrist at [hospital] that was through my consultant and did. And I just changed all of a sudden. First of all I had to deal with the fact that I was taking the drugs, which I did. And they treated it as if I was an alcoholic. Which was brilliant because I can’t understand’ I thought yes, I am taking drugs but I am fine you know. I’m thinking well, you’re not fine you idiot you know. You’re just doing these drugs, why do you need to do this you know.

(My partner) said something very strange to me that it is going to sound wrong. He wished it was me that was in his place, and not the other way around. But what he meant was that he wanted to look after me because he felt that he was the stronger of the two characters, and he wanted to look after me if somebody was sick, not that he wanted me to be sick you know’ but as it turns out I have always dealt with everything that has been put in front of me, although I give the impression’ because I am a bit theatrical flighty’ that I am not going to cope with something. But I always do you know, and always have you know. In actual fact, probably better than some of the people you think that are going to cope you know. Until you are in that situation you just don’t know.

I just hit a low you know which we all do. This just got lower than most people I think. I definitely went lower than I should have.

So I started to use drugs more than I had, and not just recreationally, but just for every day. And I was using Speed, and cocaine just to get through the day. I had never used this before, and I was using it as an antidepressant. You know to try and function, so stupidly then you know continued that. And friends were concerned they got very concerned because I wasn’t acting in the right way, and I was acting badly you know. Just, just unreliable, irresponsible

And you know health wise I am thinking well what have I got to do, here I am, I’m you know I am not working. I’m you know feeling better now with the medication. I don’t know you know, it has its benefits in one way, but I couldn’t go back and do the stage work. I wouldn’t have I can’t do a show eight times a week. It is just too much, it is just too difficult, because some mornings I get up and is just you just you know, I may look fine now, but I have days when I don’t want to get out of bed you know. What I mean is that’s just the way it feels. But on the whole I feel good and it is fine but a lot of the you don’t know whether it’s psychological thing you know. I had a lot of anxiety and depression but a lot of that was because I couldn’t work, and I wanted to work, and you know, you just think well what’ you know what do I do now? All of a sudden I have dealt with the fact that I was told I had two years to live, that is the way things were going. I got past that and 10, 15 years past that now.