It was just, it was just a combination of things really. I tended to just sort of search and see what I, see what sites came up for my various things, you know. Sort of what’s good for scarring or what’s good for, you know, dryness, things like that. I remember going through on the Boot’s website of various things, looking at the little review section, seeing what people said about it. Yahoo Answers were sometimes helpful, sometimes not, yeah.

Was there any information that you were looking for that you weren’t really able to find online in the searches?

I don’t know. It was sort of, the stuff I was missing I suppose was kind of actual people, cos online it’s all quite, I don’t know, it’s quite anonymous. And there’s people telling their stories but you don’t really know their back stories or how, like whether it’s worked long term and things like that, yeah. So I didn’t really know anyone particularly that had very bad skin or that, or knew and wanted to talk about it. So I tried, I sort of kept on, obviously it’s quite obvious when anyone looks at you, but I didn’t really talk about it in, sort of at school or with my family especially, yeah.

And so with the, like the reviews of products and like the answers that people gave, did you feel like it wasn’t enough information and not opportunities to ask?

Yeah, well, like they’re useful for sort of a little snapshot of what something’s like. But obviously you don’t really know what that person’s skin is like or what general sort of lifestyle they have or anything like that. So it is, it’s useful but it’s just, it’s only a really small fragment of a bigger picture.

It was never too much of an issue for me, but I know, well, to start with when I was getting my medication it was free. But then it’s now sort of however many pounds to get things for a prescription. So that wasn’t ever too bad because it wasn’t that expensive. But then I think with the Roaccutane (isotretinoin), it was about £50 or something for a month’s supply. Which was quite expensive. And luckily I was still living, living with my parents and they were happy to pay that. But I could understand that if you were sort of self-sufficient and financing yourself, it would have to be an actual consideration whether you wanted to take them or not. I mean thankfully for me I could just be like, Yes, I want these and my mum would just be like, Okay, yes darling. Have some money. [laughs]. But, yeah, if it was now, you, I mean it would probably be an investment that I would make, but it would be one that you’d actually have to think about rather than something you can just take for granted.

I remember all through school every single parents’ evening without fail it would be, Harriet should contribute more in lessons. She should put her hand up more often. And I think there probably was a link, but at the same time I think, I don’t think it was the most important thing in terms of that. It was, cos sort of my friends were all in the same boat, we were all quite quiet, always get told you need to speak up more. So I think acne was just sort of an extra part of that. And I think it’s, a lot of, a lot of it was just like being a bit uncomfortable in yourself. And sort of like you’re getting all like gangly and lumpy in weird places. And you just, the last thing you want to do is be in a classroom full of people and just have them all suddenly turn to look at you while you answer a question. I mean, yeah, acne was a contributing part I think but it wasn’t, it wasn’t the be-all and end-all of it.

Cos it just, like it occupies so much space in your mind all the time, it’s just the last thing you want to talk to other people about. Cos it ends up, it sort of becomes almost one of these like personal demons that you’re gonna battle alone, you’re gonna conquer it. And you don’t wanna, sort of you don’t feel like you want any help from anyone else, because it’s sort of your personal battle almost.

Yeah, that does make sense. And with it sort of taking up so much sort of brain space and energy –

Yeah.

-when you were doing other things like whether you were spending time with friends, did you still feel you were holding back something cos you were processing or feeling self-conscious about it?

Yeah, it was, yeah, even with friends. It was less so when I was sort of at their house and it was just a sleepover or something, but it was definitely still always there, that I was always quite conscious of. The only place I wasn’t conscious about it was I think when I was at home with my family. Cos they kind of knew what I was going through and would talk about it more, I felt like I could talk about it more openly. So I could complain, be like, Oh, my skin is so dry today. I hate this medication. And they’d be, they’d sort of, they’d be like, Oh, okay, yeah. And it’s just like, you don’t expect a reaction like, Oh, Harriet, I feel so bad for you. But it’s nice to just feel, to, to voice it and have someone just like accept it and listen. So at home was where I felt most comfortable.

And you mentioned with the benzoyl peroxide as well having the bleaching agent in it and causing problems with towels and so on. Did that cause any other problems in terms of like ruining clothes or?

Clothes wasn’t too bad, cos I was always, I didn’t realise it would bleach things. And it was only when I looked, I started to use my towel, then it’s, it was like, Oh, okay, it’s. And then I looked into it and I found that it was sort of a bleach-based thing. And from then on I was really conscious of, so like when I’m taking a tee-shirt off, I’d like carefully lift it over my face. I remember being quite conscious of other people’s towels in, if I went to stay over at someone’s house. So after I washed my face, I’d make sure I’d do it really thoroughly, and then just like try and pat it dry as gently as possible so I wouldn’t stain anyone’s towels.

I played sport, team sport at school until I was about 14 and then just like completely gave up, didn’t do anything. I don’t know if that was entirely, I don’t think that was acne related, it was just a sort of like classic, Teenage girls don’t play sport. But I started, yeah, it wasn’t so much to do with, yeah, I’ve sort of lost my train of thought. I just got distracted because I was thinking, I remember going swimming because we had to do swimming lessons at school and like the chlorine of the pool would often, if I’d had certain creams and stuff on my face that would have a kind of searing effect. Which, like that one wasn’t a kind of satisfying burning, that was, This is actually painful. So I was always quite self-conscious about that. And then obviously like you’ve got your towel with you and it might have like those bleach marks on it and everything. But that, like we on-, we didn’t have to do that very often, so it wasn’t too much of a problem. But I think, I sort of wish I’d carried on with sport through school because it, it really builds your confidence. It’s something I’ve got back into at uni and it’s, it’s just really nice to have a little sort of family for a couple of hours every week to just like run around with. And it doesn’t matter what you look like because everyone’s obviously like sweaty and muddy and gross anyway. So it doesn’t, it, like it doesn’t matter what your skin’s like. So I think that would have been a really positive thing to carry on with, but I just, I just didn’t.

I was really conscious of, sort of I was self-conscious but conscious of not wanting to be self-conscious. So I’d be quite, I wouldn’t try and hide it, cos I felt sort of, Everyone knows that my skin’s really bad. There’s no point in covering it up and making it worse. So I think that sort of gave off the impression that I wasn’t too self-conscious about it. But at the same time it like, it does, it does take up a lot of your thoughts and a lot of your time, just sort of constantly thinking, Oh, I wonder what people, are people looking at me? I remember walking down the street and being like, Oh, are people looking at me? Not wanting photos taken, things like that. So, yeah, there is a definite emotional side to it.

Would you ever avoid sort of events or going to certain places as a result of that sort of self-consciousness?

I don’t know if I’d go as far as avoiding things, but I def-, like events, but I’d avoid maybe certain people or people with cameras or I was, I remember being quite conscious of sort of where I’d sit in a room or where I’d go, cos obviously certain lights make it look a lot worse. I knew that when my skin was oily fluorescent lights would make it look really bad, but if I sat next to a window with natural light it looked better. So thing, little things like that. I hadn’t even realised that I thought about those things, but it does, it takes up a lot of your brain space, yeah.

I was just comple-, like constantly on Google, like googling what foods are bad, what you shouldn’t drink or do. And like I mostly had my hair like tied up in a bun so it was all out of my face. I changed my pillowcase every single night. Like I’m an absolute skin expert now [laughs]. Well, a self-confessed skin expert.

[Laughs]

But, yeah, so I did, I did sort of read that you should, like dairy is, I read one, in one place that nothing you eat will affect it, but then I found that sometimes it does. So I wouldn’t eat, like if I eat eggs or cream or things like that, then it tends to, or it tended to get quite bad. So I’d avoid things like that, yeah.

Is that something you still avoid now like in sort of remission and recovery or…?

Yeah, well, I find it still has an impact. If I eat sort of a lot of dairy or anything like that, then I will tend to get more spots.

[Laughs] It, like you just think, it’s the sort of thing where like, If this really works then more people would know about it. But you still try it anyway. So I remember doing all sorts. You make little scrubs out of, you know, honey and oil and sugar and all sorts of bizarre things. And the one that, the one that I’m still not really sure if it works is putting toothpaste on spots. Cos that does the same thing, it kind of dries them out but not very well. And then you end up with like a minty face, [laughs] yeah. So that, I don’t tend to do the toothpaste-based thing. But, yeah.

Did you try any supplements or any sort of herbal remedy style things?

I remember, it, this was mostly when I was trying to get rid of the scarring, I remember using a lot of vitamin E oil, almond oil. I used, while I still had some acne I used, what’s it called? Tea tree oil. Which, it does that thing where it kind of, you put it on and it burns a bit so you think it’s working. And that kind of helped, but obviously it’s really strong smelling. The same with TCP, that had the sort of drying thing, but it just, the smell just stays on your face for the next two days. So I try not to use it any more.

I think the first one he gave me, I’m not sure what it’s called, but it was like a little pot and you get it and it’s got a powder in. And then you’ve got another one with a liquid in. And you sort of pour one into the other and you’ve got, then you shake it and then you like sort of like spread it. It’s kind of like a Pritt Stick, you just sort of spread it over your face at night. And that, it burns but, you’re like, Oh, it burns, so it must be working. [laughs]. And I know one of my friends, she uses that now and it, it works for her. And then there was, I, there was something else that was sort of a, a similar sort of liquidy type one. But then I had some creams that were, I can’t, I can’t think. Benzoyl peroxide I think is one and it’s basically like bleach, so you just sort of spread it on your skin. And that’s actually quite helpful. I still, when I’m getting spots now I tend to use that. It does have a tendency, all my towels have just got like bleach streaks all over them. But it’s fine. My mum didn’t mind. So I find that, and I remember reading somewhere, because I read on the sheet, it was like Spread it on thinly. And it sort of, it kind of worked but it didn’t work that well. Then I read online, there was someone saying like, did a testimony to it and they were like, I absolutely swear by those who just put loads on and it works beautifully. So I tried that and I put quite a lot on and it does, it does help, but it does dry your skin out really badly. So now, I still, yeah, I still sometimes use acne creams now. But I’ve also got, it’s so ridiculous, I’ve got like hydrating cream, like medical hydrating creams that you use for kind of eczema and things, combined with stuff to dry out your skin. So I’ll put the, sort of moisturise my skin and then I’ll put the one to dry it off, dry it out. Then I’ll go to bed, wake up, like lather myself up for rehydrating and, yeah. It, it just about works though, yeah.

It wasn’t that painful usually, but then sometimes you’d get sort of the big kind of nodal acne where you’d have these big lumps under your skin and that would be painful. You’d like, they’d sort of throb during the day and if you touched them they’d be painful. So that was a kind of uncomfortable pain. But with, with the, sort of when you put certain creams on or, yeah, or oils and things and they have a bit of a burn, it’s not really, sometimes it’s a burn, sometimes it’s more of a tingle. But it’s that, it’s kind of that feeling of, like if you were cleaning the hob or something and it would just, it would kind of like sizzle away all the grime and you’d clean it. It’s sort of, that kind of burning is a sort of a feeling of cleanliness almost, yeah. I don’t know if that makes sense.

I think it does. It’s so hard to convey though, isn’t it, unless you sort of know?

It’s when it, with the burning you feel like it’s doing something useful, cos you, you can sort of feel it almost, you can almost imagine like the acne evaporating from your skin. You’re like Yeah, this, and then you look in the mirror and you expect to be, you know, completely, completely clean skinned. But it does, it definitely feels like it’s working when it burns.

It was mostly just my face. I got a, like a little bit sort of just here [points to chest/collar], and occasionally on my back, but not very badly at all. So that was quite lucky, yeah.

And were there any differences that you felt about the sort of facial acne versus like the sporadic bits on your back and chest?

In a way I was I think more self-conscious when it was not on my face. So it’s kind of more socially acceptable to have acne on your face rather than anywhere on your body. So I wouldn’t sort of, even now if I, I’ll occasionally get sort of a little spot here [points to chest/collar], I wouldn’t wear anything that shows it cos I feel like that has more of an implication of, you know, She’s not clean rather than anything else, yeah.

Okay. So would you hide that acne like with clothing or anything?

I’d cover, I’d cover up with clothing. I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t put anything on it though I don’t think, yeah.