So your sister was.. did she have children?

She had one child about a year older than my daughter at the time. And she’s gone to have another child and stuff and I couldn’t really share that with her. You know, she had her pregnancy, she had her child. I don’t even know her birth story, for her second child. I didn’t want to hear it, and she didn’t, she didn’t try and tell it, you know. So yes, you do lose that kind of right passage of being, you know, in that moment, but you know, I tried to tell myself that women had never given birth at all. So you do, you do start looking for people worse off than you, I think that’s a natural thing and you know, I know that obviously have a healthy baby is a real blessing, but there is a saying that was quite common the PPH survivors web site which is the joy does not diminish the pain. Nor does the pain diminish the joy. And you know, well meaning people say, But remember you’ve got a beautiful baby. And that’s true and you feel joy. But it doesn’t diminish the pain that you feel, not being able to complete your family. But neither does the pain diminish the joy. You can still celebrate and enjoy your child whilst living with the pain of knowing that you can’t go on to have the rest of the family that you wanted.

[Laughs]. Well. I arrived home and literally within two weeks, I’d decided surrogacy the answer. I’m not having it, you know, I always wanted more than one child. Oh look at this, you know, there’s this thing called surrogacy. And there is this amazing thing called gestational surrogacy. Because even though I’d had a hysterectomy I still retained my ovaries. And they were very clear about that. So I’m like okay well I’ve got my own eggs and I can use my partner’s sperm and create our own embryos. We just need somebody to carry them. And voila there’s the baby.

But of course it’s not quite that simple. And it took us the best part of seven years to actually find a route to success and we’re really lucky now, our twin daughters were delivered last year for us, so

I think I honestly feel that it hasn’t. I was fortunate. I felt like I bonded with her really quick and I know some people can have bonding problems. I don’t remember having any issues and if they were, they must have been very fleeting. And you know, it was her and me. Particularly, obviously becoming a single parent, she was my, you know, my little side kick really. And you know, she remained my only child for seven years, and we have great relationship. We’re really close. Yes, I just, I’m fortunate, you know, that hasn’t been something.

So were you in the States for the whole pregnancy?

I met two women who had gone on to have surrogate babies in America. One had done all the leg work, the other had followed her path, and I followed both their paths with the same fertility doctor, the same surrogacy agency.

Right.

You wouldn’t know where to start otherwise. And I’m good friends with these women now and I’ve followed, you know, they recommended and so I followed, and we went out to America to meet our suggested surrogate, who we got on really well with. And we went back to America for IVF treatment. So I was doing IVF here in the UK, but I went to the States for the egg retrieval and the fertilization to create the embryos. And the transfer.

And then we’d planned to go back a month before the birth, but the babies were delivered at 29 weeks. So we missed their arrival and we spent six weeks in the neonatal Intensive Care Unit in America. But actually they arrived two weeks before my eldest daughter’s birthday so I was actually, seven years ago today, I was in Intensive Care and here we are again in Intensive Care with the babies.

But thank god, they’re healthy and well and they’ve had their first birthday and not without a lot of bumps along the way.

So whole old were they when you were able to bring them back?

They were eight weeks old.

Okay, so eight weeks from their birth date?

Yes.

Wow so they were still really tiny.

They were 5lb when they came out of hospital, they were less than 6lbs when we flew home so

And what had happened was So I was taken from my bed in Intensive Care which is a very cosy place to be. You’re very well looked after and there’s all the latest equipment, to suddenly no TV, my bed didn’t sit up with the press of a button. I had the catheter removed that was just like, I had the catheter removed. So I hadn’t been on my feet for a week and then I was just expected to get up and get on with it. When I say expected to get up and get on with it, I mean looked after baby. All on my own.

Now even a new mother has her husband for support the first night home. I was totally alone, and this midwife didn’t really spot that at all. You know, the first time I went to the toilet I shuffled, also you know, I’d had a Caesarean. Then I’d had, been cut open again and had a major abdominal surgery, plus I was incredibly weak from all the blood loss and so on. And I sort of shuffled off to the toilet. She sort of came running with a jug of water. Oh pour this to stop the stinging. I said, I had a Caesarean. Oh yes, of course silly me, yes, okay, yes okay.

And then like, you know, I noticed these cribs that attach onto the side of the bed, the baby can co-sleep and I commented on, That looks good. Oh they’re for our Caesarean patients. That would be quite nice for me, because I’m not really very mobile. I don’t think I got one. I think I had a Anyway.

And then through the night, I actually had what I kind of look back on, I felt like I was in a survival mode through that first night because I was left on my own with the baby. Now bearing in mind the baby had been looked after by the nurses at night. This is my first night out of intensive care. And my first night with the baby, all on my own, with no support whatsoever. In fact no one. So I remember her crying in the middle of the night and me going, Right she needs a bottle. Now I can do this. And you know, it’s like getting out of bed, pushing the baby in little thing down the hall. It was all dark and quiet, no one was there. It was like, a bit abandoned. Right I know there’s a place to get hot water and I’m getting the hot water and I’m going back to the bed. And it was just, and then I accomplished it, the baby was fed and the baby went down again.

I mean just preposterous really when you, when you think about it, to not have someone on hand and, or even be left in that position really. And I remember thinking actually when I left the hospital, if I win the lottery I think there should be a suite that allows fathers to stay over in very difficult circumstances. Because no one should be expected to do that alone. You, you know you would have support, even as a normal Mother.

Well actually, yes, I did actually ask about that and I was given, Daisy, you know, one of these electric pumps and I was pumping actually. I did pump and even though I was in intensive care for a week, I wasn’t breastfeeding her during that time, I did do some pumping. And when I went when I was transferred to the post, post natal ward, I did actually start breastfeeding her. I was quite concerned because I was pumped full of a lot of drugs, and I did ask all these drugs, and I was assured that it wasn’t a problem and it would be safe. So I did start breastfeeding her, and even though she had been bottle fed for the first week, she didn’t have any problems latching on. And I did actually go on to breastfeed her for about three weeks. But truthfully my milk never really came in, you know, it just didn’t. And I started supplementing with a bottle quite quickly and it’s not a very big jump to suddenly saying this is too much. I’m going to be making a bottle anyway, let’s I’ve done my, I’ve done my best and my milk was not going to come in and my Mother hadn’t successfully breastfed, my sister hadn’t. So they were both sort of quite encouraging to say, enough call it a day. Well who’s to say your milk would have come in anyway? It was very disappointing, but to be honest it was not top of my concerns by that point. So, I was bottle fed.

Yes, and your body had been through so much

Quite it’s a bit unrealistic for them to expect that you’d have enough nourishment to share after all of that. I think you’ve got to kind of replenish your own natural blood supply and stuff. But I did, I did have that bonding moment, and we did sort of give it a go.

No I don’t know. I was very, very paranoid, knowing that I wanted to do surrogacy. I was a bit worried about the necrosis, ovarian necrosis I’d come across it in my reading. And you know, when you have an emergency hysterectomy and

that its quite a tough job as I understand it and I was worried that I would end up losing one or both ovaries and going into early menopause. I was worried obviously about going into early menopause, but also worried about, because I wanted to retain my eggs for surrogacy. So I started to go once a year for testing to check that my eggs and everything’s fine, and I did that each year at a local hospital. And each year I was getting fine readings. So that reassured me. I think I would have felt quite nervous and I think, even though I’d missed a couple of years, I think I’ll probably go back, just for peace of mind to know if I start going into early menopause, although that said, probably eight years later, I’ll probably go into menopause at the time I would normally. But you know, I think you just need the extra reassurance.