We delivered before we started our NCT class [laughs], so we were thinking on, you know, do we just not go but at the same time we still want support in the community from a peer group, and so we still attended the classes but obviously we’d already delivered which was quite a strange scenario.

And you know, as you’d expect in NCT all the mothers have an ideal birth plan and they all want to give birth in a pool and they’re going to do hypno-birthing and it’s all very mother earth. And so we just found we had to bite our tongue because or just reveal very little about our birth experience because we didn’st want to scare anyone.

Because yes if you heard it, it could be quite traumatising.

How did they make the decisions?

Well I don’st think there were any options. It was get baby out as soon as possible. They were trying to gauge the approach to take to get baby out. We weren’st given the option not to do it, only forms to consent to doing what needed to be done.

So I didn’st think there were any options but I can’t imagine myself ever saying, “No, don’st do that,” because obviously the risk is that the baby’s going to die.

And what was the role of your husband in all this? So, it must be a very challenging situation?

Yes, yes. He did ask about the blood pressure; what should it be. He kept a very close eye on it. He would answer a lot of the questions on my behalf and I’d correct him [laughs]. He didn’st actually look at the consent papers I don’st think, that was given to me which is right but equally I don’st think I was really in the right position to sort of digest it properly, but at the same time what options what are there? They can’t my husband shouldn’st be reading and signing on my behalf, and unless I didn’st want to go ahead with it there was little option other than to sign it.

And what was the role of your husband in all this? So, it must be a very challenging situation?

Yes, yes. He did ask about the blood pressure; what should it be. He kept a very close eye on it. He would answer a lot of the questions on my behalf and I’d correct him [laughs]. He didn’st actually look at the consent papers I don’st think, that was given to me which is right but equally I don’st think I was really in the right position to sort of digest it properly, but at the same time what options what are there? They can’t my husband shouldn’st be reading and signing on my behalf, and unless I didn’st want to go ahead with it there was little option other than to sign it.

In operating theatre I’m very thankful that he was allowed to be in the operation theatre; I don’st whether that’s standard but he made sure that I just focused on him and he kept me peaceful, rational, calm to the point where even when they cut me open and my son was delivered, I was still my husband was still talking to me and I was just focusing on his words.

And can you tell me the advice you received about your own future health?

Yes. So, the consultant, as I mentioned, she’s a pre-eclampsia expert, and when the time came where I could ask her any questions I did ask about second pregnancy and whether I was likely to have this again. So she answered a lot of my questions; she gave me some great resources in terms of websites and said feel free to drop her a line if I wanted to have another session with my husband to talk to her about the second baby. I mean she did ask me what my age was and when I was planning to have another one, and when she heard my age she said, “Oh I think you might want to start as soon as possible, within the year.” I’m pretty sure she said within the year, but then at the same time I’m not sure whether that is what you’re supposed to do if you have had a c-section; I think you’sve got to wait at least a year. So, I don’st know, it was it could have been you know terminology or the fact that she was just focusing on my age [laughs].

I still find it quite a difficult concept to explain. I mean the websites do explain it but I can’t tell which ones cause and effect. It could just be my lack of understanding and it’s obvious to everyone else, but if someone asked me to explain what pre-eclampsia is I still don’st really fully understand it to explain properly. Some I’ve heard from nurses that if you’sve already had it you’re less likely to have it again. She the consultant explained that there’s a thirty percent chance of getting it again. And so, as with everything that I’ve discovered when it comes to medical matters, or babies generally, there’s a lot of contradicting information out there.

Mm mm. And when trying to choose between the different bits of advice how do you make that decision from your perspective?

Well I guess one of the biggest problems is the fact that there is no cure or, and people don’st really know why pre-eclampsia happens.

So, I guess it’s a lot of theses, hypotheses and I guess that changes with time with every new piece of research. Facts get changed a little bit and so, depending on who you speak to and how current their knowledge is that will shift, so that’s understandable. I guess my husband and I will take up her offer of another meeting. So, we’ll just arm ourselves with a lot of research and questions in advance and hopefully, be given that she is an expert that will be the most clear and current information we can find.

Do you have any worries about pre-eclampsia or the future?

Yeah I was thinking about it this morning actually; I was thinking, ‘Maybe I should getlike sort out my will’ [laughs]. Isn’t that a morbid thing to think about though? But I have to be quite pragmatic I guess because if it does happen I need to knowI need to sort out my life insurance; I need to sort out wills. But then I suppose that’s something you’re supposed to do once you become a parent anyway.

I know my mum’s very against me having a second one. I’m really just relying on the fact that if I’ve had it once before they’sll be more attentive the second time and I’ll be more careful and more precautions will be taken into account when if they suspect anything. I guess my concern is something new could happen; a year’s elapsed; I’m already in the high risk age bracket. So, something unexpected could happen but then that would be the case with any pregnancy.

So, I was in the High Dependency Unit and two things I remember one, is that I was always thirsty and it was a full ward and I there was only one jug of water and you have to request the nurse to fill up your glass. Because it was so busy and I knew I just wanted water, it wasn’st that big a deal.

I felt bad asking you know pressing the button every time. And so there were points when I, you know, my throat was completely parched but I just didn’st want to be a nuisance. But you know if there was a jug next to me I could have helped myself. But it did make me think, ‘Oh I couldn’st understand why there are all these reports about old people’s homes and older people getting to a point where they’re so dehydrated that they fall ill or they die,’ because you know no-one wants to be that nuisance and they were very, very busy nurses. You know I don’st want to discredit them in any way because they were doing a fine job. And then the second thing I remember was the fact that I’ve always had sinus problems and I don’st know whether that was the cause, but every time I started to drift off to sleep naturally, all the alarms would go off on my monitor to say that my breathing had slowed down to a dangerous point. And so that would wake me up; the nurses would come round and again I felt like a nuisance because it’s just my sinuses being bad. And so I remember not sleeping at all after surgery. Well, I didn’st sleep for a couple of hours and then I woke up and the ward seemed to be a lot emptier, so people must have been discharged whilst I was asleep. There was one new lady next to me and I could hear the entire conversation between her and her family; they were describing her birth it sounded horrific. I remember writing a handover note to work. So I gave birth at 3.58am and I was writing a handover note at six something, and I thought, ‘I’d better do this before I forget; before I forget what I’ve been working on and all my passwords. And then I was just lying there I guess waiting for my husband to turn up because they can’t stay. The nurses were great. Later on they said they could put me in a side room if I needed to sleep because we explained how I wasn’st being I wasn’st able to. But then I was worried if I was away from the main ward it would be even harder to get water and it would be even further for them to walk to switch off all my monitors when my sinuses got in the way.

And so my husband, because he has insurance, managed to get me into the private wing where things improved a lot.

Because even then we didn’st know whether he would actually make it. I guess that would have been good in hindsight if someone could tell us what the chances of survival were.

All we heard I think was the fact that he was born at 32 weeks and so therefore he has a the chances are good, but you don’st know what that means. And so I know my husband found it really hard to bond because, a) well they look like little aliens because they’re so small and they don’st look like human beings in the traditional sense. They don’st look like babies, they look like little aliens and he was very scared to see him. And you know part of you is always thinking, ‘Oh, well we don’st want to get too attached because he might not make it. And maybe the chances were 95% but we didn’st know this, so maybe that’s something to consider.

Mm mm. And do you think percentages would have been useful for you or how would?

Yeah definitely

Yeah

Because genuinely we had no idea whether he was going to make it or not. I’m sure the nurses knew but and also, now in hindsight, I know that if it was more serious he wouldn’st have even been in special baby care, he would have been in neonatal intensive.

Yeah, yeah

So, I guess the whole journey is an education in itself, and now looking back I’ve realised he was fortunate enough to have been born at 32 weeks and actually he was fine, but I didn’st know that at the time.

Did you feel prepared for seeing him for the first time?

No, not at all no. My husband did take a video of him on the first day when I wasn’st mobile, and yeah it didn’st feel like that was my baby; it was like I was watching someone else’s YouTube video. And he didn’st look anything like me for a start but it was OK, it was OK. The nurses were very open to answering questions but I think you have to ask the questions before you get any education; no-one has the time to just stand there and talk to you about everything, and so you’re kind of again try not to be a nuisance and not get in anyone’s way but also visit your baby as much as possible. So, it was surreal, it was surreal. I felt a bond although probably not a regular bond and I felt sad whenever I was away from him but I also felt sad and guilty whenever I was with him as well.

And on five occasions they detected protein; they all said that they would sent to a lab and let me know if there are any negative results, and nothing ever came back. Yes, so five occasions only one party came back to me and that was my GP, and they told me it was a UTI and prescribed amoxicillin?

Yeah

And so that was what I took.

They admitted there was an error in the process and so we re-traced the I did mention earlier on that there were five occasions when they’d discovered protein in my urine, so we were trying to work out when those five scenarios were. They were going through my notes and saying, “Oh, you know they should have picked this up, they should have picked this up,” and I suspect it was because I was at that stage where I was going from the hospital to the GP; the GP was asking me to go to see the community midwives.

And the system isn’st connected that’s something got lost in translation. I also asked them whether they could notify my GP that it’s likely that the problem arose because my GP diagnosed me incorrectly and thought I had a UTI.

I was just looking at my husband. I could feel the cut but it wasn’st painful. It’s a very strange sensation. I guess it’s like when you’ve sat on your hand for a long time and it feels all rubbery, and you can feel something at it but it doesn’st hurt. There’s no you can’t it’s a numbing it’s a numb sensation. And so I could feel the cut but I wasn’st worried. I think I heard a few sounds. They told us that the baby had was healthy I think. I heard a tiny little cry from him and then I just remembered feeling really, really tired and peaceful, and I was dozing off but my husband kept trying to keep me awake. I don’st know whether that was dangerous and hence he was trying to keep me awake.

I still don’st know. If I had fallen asleep would that have been OK, who knows? And then I remember them sewing me back up; again didn’st hurt. And so we just spoke for a few minutes whilst they were cleaning [son’s name], and then they brought him round. He was all wrapped up. We had a quick photo taken. I mean it was it was a little sad that I couldn’st have skin to skin but obviously the most important thing is to make sure he’s OK, and they explained that they were going to take him immediately to the intensive care unit, so I understood that. Again in an ideal world I would have asked about cord clamping and requesting for that to take place, but it just wasn’st the time or place for it.

So, was it the ideal delivery of course not. There were other things I would have preferred but I’m just very grateful that everything happened the way it did.