Because you’re working full time now, yeah. Have they been quite understanding.

Yes, completely,

Has that been—do you think it’s important to be working as well?

I do think it is. I had a couple of months off. And, it’s not helpful to sit. You’ve got more time to yourself. More time to try and get through the day and you end up just counting the minutes until you can go to bed again. It’s no life. My manager and all of my sort of colleagues have been absolutely amazing and I really couldn’t have asked for any more. But it’s so important to have that understanding like if I need time off for therapy, I can have it. And I don’st have to feel like I have to hide who I am, because they can see it and they understand it. It is so helpful. If I want to go and cry at work, no-one’s gonna judge me for it. They are not gonna think any less of me. ‘Cause we all have bad times. And I think that’s important like, you never know what somebody else is going through, so you’ve just gotta be, that’s just kind, just in case somebody is having a bad day.

But I still get days when I think, I don’t wanna get out of bed. I don’t wanna do this. And I know it’s easy for everyone to say that sometimes. But sometimes it is so powerful, like it is physical, it’s not just in your head, it feels someone’s pushing you down and you can’t get up. That’s when it feels like, I suppose, it’s taking over. And you get those days when you think it’s not gonna get better. But it’s a case of getting through the day and thinking, well, if it’s not better tomorrow then maybe it’ll be better the day after. I suppose it works differently for everybody. And some days, I can see that sometimes I can’t and I need someone else to tell me that it’ll be okay. But, it, it depends. But sometimes it, it still feels like it’s controlling me rather than the other way around and some days I have better days and I think, actually, I can take control of this and I’m not gonna let it beat me. But just because you have a bad day doesn’t mean every day’s gonna be bad. I think that’s really important to keep in your mind just, yeah, maybe bad tomorrow for the rest of the week, but it will get better at some point, even if it’s just for a little bit. You just gotta keep looking for those good moments.

I’ve done a lot with like mindfulness and things like that. And, that definitely helps me. It sort of pulls it back to where I am now, like I said, I get through sort of ten minutes at a time and that’s really helpful to use mindfulness, because I can just be there, in the moment and I’ll walk round shopping centres and things. Sometimes I get upset when I see various things that you can’t always control and just being able to pull it back and be in that moment.

That sounds really helpful.

It doesn’t always work, but I’m getting there with practise. That is the most helpful thing that I’ve learned in the experience.

So when you say being in the moment, can you describe that a bit more to people?

I suppose when you more start wandering to all those thoughts, you do not want to. You’ve gotta learn to accept that that thought is there [crackling on mic intermittently], because you can’t always push them away, because I don’t think that’s necessarily helpful all the time. Just being able to think, I’m sitting here. This is what I can see. This is what I can smell and this is what I can read on my computer or just anything I’m doing at the time or a good example of when I, when I was in hospital when they were trying to explain this to me is when you’re sort of in a supermarket and there is a child screaming and you can feel yourself getting flustered and it’s hard, and it’s just a case of remembering actually, I’m here, I’m standing here. This is what I can see. And I don’t have to concentrate on the screaming. I can just recognise that it’s there and carry on with what I’m doing. Nothing that you’re seeing or thinking or actually going through can control that moment if you don’t want it to.

How does that feel differently? Does it make you feel differently in relation to your thoughts or–?

It feels like it takes a big weight off, sometimes. When you’re sat there and there’s a million and one things going through your head and you’re worrying about this and things it’s just nice to think, actually, there’s nothing I can do about that in this moment. So I’m just gonna put it to one side until I’ve either got the energy or the resources to think about it and I’m just gonna do what I’m doing now. So, I suppose if you are at work and you’re thinking about all those bills I’ve gotta pay later like you physically can’t do anything about it now to find a way or some sort of time to think about it later and deal with it that way and to be honest, most of the time you find that it’s not even that much of a worry [crackle on mic intermittently] any more. It’s just a case of, I’m doing this now. I’ll think about that again later. And most of the time, most of the time when you actually get back to that thought, it’s not as bad as you thought, which is, it’s really good to. Especially like when you’re lying in bed, at night and that’s most people struggle I think when you can’t sleep and things and you think, I need to say this to this person tomorrow and okay, well, deal with it tomorrow, because there’s nothing you can do now.

Thank you. That’s really helpful. And just so that was something that they sort of ran through with you when you were in hospital. Was that the most, the last time you were in in 2014?

It’s the first time, but at the time I thought it was a load of nonsense and it was up there with the silly things they suggested like, when you’re having the worst day of your life and you don’t wanna live any more and they suggest going for a walk or something and you think, why on earth are you saying that to me? I couldn’t see how it would work. I thought they were just saying things they weren’t listening to me or they weren’t understanding. But now I’ve got an understanding of it myself and I can sort of relate it to myself and apply it in everyday—I think it really is the best thing.

And did you sort of come across it again and then think, oh yeah, that’s what they told me in the hospital and it triggered.

It’s more of a case of I’ve picked it up by accident. I didn’t even realise I was doing it and it’s only recently, I thought, oh, this is what they were talking about.

That’s amazing. Just naturally doing it and then you realised that was the label for what it was that was helping you.

Yeah, yeah, I think it is sort of a lot of people talk about mindfulness with all the colouring books and things. And it is a case of just bringing you back to where you are with the moment. And, I suppose, they explained it in such this big way and it’s gonna change your life and I thought, don’t be ridiculous. But it, it really can. And it, it doesn’t have to be a big thing. You do it in day to day life without even realising you’re doing it.

Early on, there was just, my boyfriend at the time was trying to help but because nobody knew what was going on, it was very hard, because I was lashing out at the people that were trying to help. My parents, I think they just, because it was so out of the blue for them, they didn’t know what was going on and they sort of distanced themselves a bit just because they didn’t know what to do for the best. And, obviously, I was probably pushing a lot of people away ’cause I thought people aren’t gonna accept me like this. From a medical point of view there was quite a few sort of assessments where they tried various antidepressants and assessments to realise that something wasn’t right, but it took a long long time to get any sort of diagnosis. I think I was, I’d been in hospital the first two times a month each and it was, I think it was then that I had the diagnosis and I suppose medication and the help has been sort of steady, but it’s not easy to get anything from anyone, really, ’cause people just don’t know what to do and push you away.

I mean, because I was sectioned obviously, there was some times when I was shouting and screaming, kicking, things like that, I was treated completely differently to when I was walked in the next time just wanting to feel better. But that’s just because I had not, I hadn’t got a clue what I was doing the first time I was—I was on so much medication, I didn’t know where I was, things like that. And it just seemed scary, ’cause it feels like everybody is trying to take control. But the second time I felt more in control and that was, that’s important I think. But yeah, at the end of the day, they, they do the same things and it is your frame of mind and the people that are in there as well. Everybody is so lovely and understanding. Everybody knows to an extent what you are going through ’cause they’ve either seen it, been through it and at the end of the day, you don’t know what’s best for you otherwise you wouldn’t be in there, so you’ve just gotta let somebody else take over while you can’t. So it, it did help me. I hated it at the time. And I thought it was the end of the world, but I’m still glad that I went.

The CBT was actually really really quick. Once I got the actually the referral in, I think I saw somebody within two or three days to have the assessment. And then I got a phone call to start pretty much the week after. I mean, I think that’s just how it worked at the time and I was quite lucky. But other times, I’ve had to wait sort of six, it might be six to eight months, I think to be picked up. —

It’s a really long time. A lot happens in six to eight months.

Yeah. I’d just moved and they said they’d send all the paperwork and then they didn’t. And every time I called and again I felt like I was annoying everybody and that makes you feel really bad about yourself. And you don’t need that when you’re feeling really low anyway. But the waiting times can be pretty bad, to be honest. But it is what it is, I suppose. When I was really bad a couple of year’s ago, everybody called me manipulative. But I knew if I started shouting and screaming I’d get seen straight away and I don’t think that’s the best way forward. But unfortunately sometimes you are put in that position and that’s when people say, oh, it’s a cry for attention and I’m like, no, it’s a cry for help. I just don’t know what else to do. It has got better recently. But I almost think the better you are the more people listen to you, because before you’re so crazy and loud and you are screaming and not as many people are wanting to help, but that’s when you actually need the help the most.

Yeah, I think it’s been four or five years, I think. And it’s only really, I started doing CBT about four months ago. And that’s really really helped. I’ve got a lot more understanding of what’s happened to me and all that sort of stuff and being able to deal with a lot more things and see it from a completely different point of view. So that’s, that’s really really helped. Before then, I probably wouldn’t have been able to even start to explain myself, so.

Do you think that you could have, would that have been something that might have helped you earlier on or do you think there is just a time for everything and—

Probably a bit of both. The understanding really would have helped. And like, things like because I can remember and I sort of wanted those answers and people not being able to really give them to me. At the time, I thought that would’ve helped. But I’m not sure it would have anyway. I think there is sort of a time and a place and maybe I’m in that place now to start understanding and it might have helped before, but I’ve done quite a few different therapies and talking therapies, counselling and none of them have had that sort of moment for me when everything changed and I understood. So, I don’t know if it would’ve helped or maybe this is the right time or maybe just the right therapy for me.