You assumed a very important domestic role. You were not just caring for your wife you were doing all the domestic chores. So can you tell me as you were telling me before about it?

Shelia’ How you had to dress me and bath me…

Husband’ Yeah in the beginning when she first was diagnosed with this she couldn’t do anything. And as for my army training ironing, washing, you name it I had to do it. And bathing, washing, putting her into bed and it was a struggle. But [cough] as for this wonder drug that I call it, she has come with leaps and bounds and if it is available to everybody that was in her position then they would find themselves a miracle because it is a wonderful drug. And as it is now, well she was in a wheelchair then. Then we threw that away. Walking sticks, we threw that away. Then the next thing was to buy a little trolley and that gives her the help she wants. She can’t walk no more than 200 metres without having to stop, sit down. But before then of course as I say, wheelchair, walking sticks before this drug.

And how easy was it for you to assume all these domestic roles when she was in a lot of pain?

Husband’ Well I think, I think it’s having a big family, having to share the work. We’ve always done things together or it may have been 80% her, 30 or 20% me but we always had to do it. And if it’s just pulling together. You know what I mean looking after one another. But as I say it was hard at first because you had to push the wheelchair everywhere. Get it into the car and all.

And it was it was reversed because I was working and I would say, not fortunately but it came to the latter part of us retiring rather than the earlier part where I was working. So for me it was a full time job.

To look after your wife, yes?

Husband’ To look after my wife

So you gave up working at that point? You were working part time?

Husband’ No I, well yes, yes I was working part time.

Shelia’ You had to give it up didn’t you?

Husband’ And of course I had to give it up. But when I look back it was hard work. Now it’s got easier through this wonderful drug.

And how did you feel about sort of doing women’s work around the house’ ironing, cooking, hoovering?

Husband’ Didn’t, didn’t bother me.

Shelia’ Well I always used to do the cooking at one time but now he does it all.

Husband’ I do everything. And you just get into the routine. And keeps you out of mischief.

Shelia’ I mean it was hard at first for him because obviously he wasn’t used to doing all the ironing. I always did it. I always did the cooking, the ironing,

Husband’ Everything

Shelia’ The cleaning because he was working. I did everything. And then, then the roles reversed. He had to do it all so it was difficult for him, you know.

Husband’ As you can look, see by this I haven’t done a bad job [laugh].

This is very good [laugh].

Husband’ No it’s the thing that you, you’ve got to get into and look aft

I don’t know what I’d do without him, I really don’t. He’s been brilliant with me, as I say, since 1993. He’s been superb. As I say, I mean when I was ill he used to have to lift me into bed, lift me out of bed, take me to the loo, bring me back, undress me, put me into bed, get me up, dress me, prepare my meals then, luckily I only have cereal for breakfast like, but make me cups of tea and all that sort of thing, make the bed, change the beds.

And were you a good patient?

Yes. No, I was not a bad patient, I was a good patient. No, I think, No, he’s got enough on I mean and all this was while he was working full time.

So how was he coping? Was he coming home at lunchtime and things like that?

No, because he works, is it 12? about 12, 14 miles out of [city] and they only get half an hour at lunch hour, at lunchtime. So he used to bring my breakfast. And then he used to bring a, a flask of water, milk jug, sugar basin, cup, spoon, knife and then he used to do me a box with cream crackers and cheese in for my lunch. So I used to do that, you see. And then I had to wait while he came in at teatime to get a meal between us. He used to get me a meal, you know, get me up out of bed, or get me up before he went out on the morning and I’d potter about in the wheelchair, potter into the kitchen and do the vegetables and that sort of thing.

Did you need help if you wanted to go to the toilet, for instance or?

Well, by then I was getting that I could pull myself up to standing, so I could sit on the loo. You know, over a period of time I just gradually improved, so that I could. Walking was the biggest problem. But if I could pull myself up on the hand basin, then I could, as long as he didn’t put the lid on the toilet I could manage.

And he said, You’re ready to go out home it’s a weekend on the Frida. They got some equipment like little table that I got and the, the thing to go over the toilet thing and they said, We can get you home but we can’t get thi. I had two, two of me nephews, well a nephew and a niece came in at the same time and of course they brought me home and I wasn’t fit, I got, I got, I got home, got into this chair [laughs] and I was puffing and blowing like and got into the chair, the neighbour, one of the neighbours knew I was going, two doors away an elderly lady, she was banging on the door and I couldn’t get out of the chair [laughs]. I rang the nurse and I said, I said to Doctor [name], don’t worry I, I give you his same word that he gave me and I said, . I said, I had a hell of a job to get ou. I said, I wasn’t fit to come out but I didn’t realise that you’re on your own, left on your own I go.

And I couldn’t have, I don’t know how I struggled out and I got to the door because I guessed who it was and she’d got a malt loaf for me, you know, which was nice because I got no preparation, I hadn’t got no, when I went in I got nothing, me mate that still comes in, he got me address book and that sort of thing because I couldn’t let any of me relatives know, and he came in, got me address book and well he brought me some pyjamas and that sort of thing because I was, well, in the first instance on me bike you know.

And then as I said coming home, I got into this chair and, I’d only been up the hall twice on the hospital and then down the stairs with handrails and their help kind of thing, and he let me out like that and I rang the doctor and he said, What do you want to go back. A senior doctor said that to me, What do you want to go back in And I said, No that I don. You know? But I’ve got an elbow, what they give me an elbow, one of my elbow was up here, still there, I couldn’t use it you see until they give me a shorter stick and that was a big help. With a shorter stick you know you could, I couldn’t get up and on to it [laughs].

Did you have a nurse coming to see you at that time?

Came about doing a bit of therapy, but the weather was so bad they wouldn’t, I didn’t go out, I went out once I think because the weather was so bad and he said, We can’t take a risk because of you slippin. And, I, well I went up and down the garden path a bit then and, eventually I got to the bus stop, you know, with him when the weather was a bit better and to do the, yeah about to the bus stop and he said, Well let’s see if you get on the bus alrigh. I said, Well I should be all right no [Laughs].

Who was helping you around that time? Were you having meals on wheels?

Only what me mate got, they had no plans for me, no, no me mate used to get me prepared meals from Marks & Spencer.

Okay someone was coming to help you around the house, housework

Only a pal of mine, that was all yeah, a pal of mine and he still comes in, probably be in tomorrow and he’s been ill himself now since, so, I mean that’s a long time ago, he still comes in, he’s been poorly himself, in fact he had a fortnight in hospital, well I was in Tenerife you see? Because I go to Tenerife Christmas.

Were you put in touch with the Social Services?

The nurse came in a few times an

Well the way I got through having the baby was I had to go to my parents’ house where I’d grown up and actually my dad looked after my son. And my partner had to stay in our home in order to work. And his practice were very good and paid for him to go to visit me every weekend. But it was most kind of horrific but fairly levelling when you have a child the fact that I didn’t kind of get freaked out by anything about having a child because I was quite self-absorbed at the time just trying to wake up in the morning. And it was quite, you know, looking back on it was quite hilarious. But even to feed a child was quite, meant my dad had to get up at two oclock in the morning to carry my son to me, to feed him.

But the other horrific thing that I forgot to mention was that when I got diagnosed of having osteoporosis my consultant immediately said, You’ve got to stop breastfeeding And I, and breastfeeding up to that point, this is six weeks, had been horrific. And I’m quite firmly of the belief that there was no breast milk in my body whatsoever. And my son’s weight just dropped off the Richter chart. But because I was in between cities, you know, no one was really watching it. And I had a lovely midwife come to the house who told me to put on hold my medical interventions to give my son the best chance of having a healthy outcome. And to carry on breastfeeding, which I just thought was just horrific thing to say to me. And she was quite adamant that if I put him on formula that she’d just come from the hospital where a baby had almost died because they’d been put on formula.

And I suppose it keeps you very kind of sane because the said midwife was ordered out of the house because she obviously had no idea what a fractured spine felt like. And so I was, I did feel guilty that I couldn’t feed him but I was quite under the illusion that I wasn’t giving any breast milk any how. And I needed that milk. And so even when you’ve got a, somebody’s told you exactly what’s wrong with you, you’ve still got the medical profession telling you that you’re doing the bad, the worst thing to your son. And so that was the breastfeeding element.

So luckily when my dad got up at two oclock, and we were only making formula, because I couldn’t actually feed him from the breast because my back hurt so much. But it was all quite horrific. So but I was, there was no help from anyone else other than family. And I think the thing with the social services is that if your lifestyle becomes disabled then the intervention of social services is very limited if you’ve got family. And even if your family’s fairly old at the time, that’s how your, you should be looked after, which I don’t think is particularly healthy thing to happen. And obviously my mum and dad loved it, but they were old to have the responsibilities of waking up two or three times during the night to feed a baby. And so that was quite hilarious.

Tell me a little bit because you said you stayed with your parents for six weeks, what happened when you went back to your to the place where you lived? How did you cope then?

Well when I went back it was my partner’s company paid to have an au pair. And because social services at the time couldn’t decide on, if I deserved any care. But, I, you know, I kept trying to point out that I can’t actually look after my son. And so they talked about my partner giving up his job, and becoming my full-time carer. Which would have been, you know, mentally one of probably the worst things that, well second worst thing, being the first was to actually be sent home to get looked after at 36. And so they said that they’d pay in

Well II think to myself that I’ve got to be extra careful. And Ithe last thing I want is another fall. But apart from that, I well, I’ve spent the months since I’ve been back here since January just trying to get back to a normal life again. But it’s been a slow job.

Do you feel frustrated by it or

I do. I found it very difficult to sit about and not do things. So that to quite an extent I suppose I have tried to push myself.

In which ways?

Well I had to get back on my feet and walk again. And so I have whatever the weather, made myself go out for a walk, everyday without fail.

And in the early days when I found it very difficult, I had a friend who went with me. And I could hold her arm. And we went a little bit further every day. So that I could feel that I was making progress. Because I just didn’t want to sit in the chair and let the days go by and not feel that I was getting better. And so, as I say sometimes it was an effort to go out during the winter days when it was cold and horrid. But I did feel it was important to go. And so we did.

I think you do need somebody. I mean if I hadn’t had this friend here who was wiling to sacrifice an hour say, or roughly an hour by the time she’d got here and you know, every day.
I wouldn’t been hard pressed to do, I wouldn’t, I don’t I would’ve wanted to do it on my own. But fortunately friends here were very good.

And it did enable me to really get going again. Now I don’t use a stick at all in the house. But I do take, always have one when I go out because this city’s pavements aren’t brilliant [laughs].

I’ve got two, two grandchildren, two sons, two grandsons. they’re from the French daughter. And well not, she isn’t French but you know what I mean, she lives in France. And one of them is at university here. So I do see him from time to time. And in fact when I came, after I came back and I was, and I was up and thing, he did come and cook me lunch one day. He, well, he rang me up and said could he come to lunch. And I said, Yes, but you’ll have to bring it. I’ll pay, you buy it And I was highly amused because I thought he’d probably go to [supermarket] and buy you know something that he could, but he didn’t, he went to the [name] market and he bought fresh sea bass and vegetables in the covered market and then he went to, I think it was [supermarket] well he went somewhere anyway and bought crème caramels for us for pudding [laughs] I thought he did extremely well. And he came and he cooked it.

And he washed up, well he cleared it up and put it in the dishwasher afterwards. You wouldn’t have known he’d been here afterwards. So, I rang my daughter in France and said, Well you certainly brought that one up properly [laughs].

It does worry me, inevitably. I mean, you know, if you’ve got a problem walking, you know, it’s just the practical things that are really difficult. I mean I, I am a very proactive person. If I need something, I go and get it. But actually there comes a point in time when, if you’re physically unable, no matter how motivated you are, you do need other people’s help sometimes. Like my father, whos 84, bless him, said, I’ll come and stay with you, get the shopping for you I mean, you know, that’s kind, but, you know, what a position to be in really, you know. He wants to and it gives him purpose and I’ll, you know, that’s fine. But I’d rather not be in that position.

It was actually quite a horrible experience. Not only being abroad and being on my own and being carted back, but being stuck at home on my own for many months and being reliant on others. And being aware that, you know, there’s a lot of others out there that are not going, you know, I’ve got neighbours who just, I thought they’d help and never did. And that was disappointing actually.

And what about friends?

I have some friends and they did come and help. But they have their own lives, they can’t be around, you know, all the time. So, and my closest friend lives in [county]. So, you know, she came over the Easter period to help me, you know. But at my age, who wants that? You know, she’s my friend, I don’t want her, you know, I feel embarrassed by it. it’s not the sort of thing I’d want.

And what about your family? Do you have relatives

I have family, yes. I have, my brother every few months used to come down and do little jobs for me. And in fact he’s coming down next week to do a few things for me. But I’m a very independent person. I don’t like asking too much. And maybe that’s a fault in me, but actually that’s the way I am. And it’s given me a taste, interestingly enough, of what it’s going to be like when you’re very old and you don’t have the choice, if you get there, should you get there. it’s, it’s been a real eye-opener actually.

Can you tell me more about it?

Well, having been a lot on my own and not having a great deal of outside contact and being reliant on other people and not being able to get out, it’s just soul-destroying, it really is soul-destroying. Luckily for me I’m at my, I’m at this age and I do have things to look forward to. But if this accident happened at 75, 80, I don’t know whether I’d have had the motivation to do what I did for myself, because I would have been that much older.