So going back to what happened while you were asleep. I mean how did you gradually discover what had gone on while you were ?

Not until I was back in the labour ward. I was, wasn’t told, for I think a few days that I’d had a hysterectomy. Not that that bothered me in the slightest. I wasn’t upset about that. It was explained that they had to do that to try and stop the bleeding. I lost nearly three litres of blood which an awful lot to lose. So that didn’t worry me at all. And I think it was just gradually I was told.

I didn’t know how serious the baby, you know, how ill she’d been either. And I think I didn’t really know that until I came out of hospital. So, and it was my husband that was telling me bits and pieces when I was ready to hear it.

Lisa’ And the lady said to me, she was wiping my brow and lovely woman, the people in ITU are faultless angels and I suppose they have to be, but, she said, Oh, you’re awake. Wonderful. She said, Oh you gave us a terrible fright. And I just remember looking at her, Why? [Small laugh] And she said, Do you know what, you were nearly a goner? And I said, What do you mean? And I looked at Wayne and he was like, I’ve never seen, I don’t ever want to see that face again. Just looked bedraggled [sighs]. And I could see he’d been crying a lot, and he was smiling really inanely at me [small laugh].

And I said, What’s happened? And he, he said, She’s right, you nearly went. And I just didn’t believe what I was hearing. I was just looking around thinking, am I asleep? This is really, really strange. And I had loads of monitors on me, and heart monitors and goodness knows what else, so I thought, right something. I’d looked at myself and my, I remember looking at my arms, because I tried to pick something up, I think I tried to pick a cup of tea up or something. And I thought oh my arms were really, really hurting. And I put the cup back down. I said, What’s wrong with my arms? And I picked them up and looked at my arms and they were black. Both of them were absolutely black. Both sides, and my hands were really.

Partner’ The swelling was amazing.

Lisa’ really, we took pictures of it because we just couldn’t believe it. Why you want to memorize that I don’t know, but I just couldn’t believe it. I’d never seen anything like it, and they were so sore. And apparently all my veins had collapsed and they couldn’t find a vein or anything, and then I had a drain coming out of my tummy, and stitching down below and oh it was just so, I’ve got to laugh because otherwise I’d just go completely mad, but it was, I’ve known pain like it. I just laid there thinking what the hell has happened? This isn’t right. What’s happened? And nobody can explain and they just said, that, You haemorrhaged really bad, three times. Had to do this hysterectomy. Tried to do everything we could to stop it.

And tell me about the follow up. You said you had your six week follow up with the consultant?

Yes.

Was that helpful?

That was very helpful. Again [son] was fine. So that was not a problem. It was very useful, because what we did we went through what had happened. He felt that was very important as well. Which, you know, again very thankful for that and he was very open. He wasn’t my original consultant. They moved me from my original consultant to him. I suppose because they felt may be, you know, not that my original consultant let me down in any way and we certainly haven’t said that in any shape or form. it’s just one of those things. But they made the decision to swap consultants and I’m very pleased because he’s the one that saw me through it all.

But what was great about that was that I, I had questions. Because I’d had the six weeks to reflect on that. It was, you know, I made notes and I went in and we chatted. [husband] came in as well. Because again, I thought he needed to, if there was anything he wanted to say this was the time to try and sort it. And that’s when, you know, my consultant said, Look you can call me at any point You know, Even if its years down the line, you call me. And we can go through stuff

I got my maternity notes about four years ago. So [son] was about two at the time. Number one for my study, and what I realised was when I went through the birth essay I was doing. I can remember a lot, and I can also, because [husband] was there a lot of the time he obviously then fed into part of the jigsaw I suppose. But I what I found very interesting about the notes is even though I did see them before I left the hospital, they were very kind, and you know, there was parts of it that they left with me, just to go through. It was good to see it again. And even though, the event was obviously quite traumatic and distressing and depressing at the time. It makes it more personal.

So that for me that’s really reassuring. So emotionally that really helps to, you know, I’m sure things will crop up in the future. But at the moment, it feels you know, we understand it, and it’s not a problem.

it’s going back and reading some of my notes. I did do that. I went back and read sort of what time things happened and it’s not so much, it’s getting, it was bits and pieces. I’ve got bits and pieces from kind of like everybody. You know, just when people were like talking to me. But its, it’s really surreal losing time. it’s the most, even though it’s only a short, for me it was a short period of time. But it is really weird going to sleep on a Monday and then waking up on a Wednesday. Having had all this major thing happen to you. But its little bits.

Later on my husband talked to me a bit more about sort of time lines of things. But mostly from, from my notes, from the hospital, you know. But still there’s lots of blanks, you know, because not everybody knows everything. And talking to some of the midwives as well about it its. It wasyou know, it was like the most, like awful thing that could have ever happen to me at the time.

What would you have liked from him?

I would have liked to have had some kind of, or been involved in, I know from hearing through the grape vine that there was some kind of debrief that happened. That that my case was kind of obviously looked into and sort of, they kind of had a look at what had went wrong. And I would have liked to have been involved in that. I would have liked to have had, not even a say I would have just liked to have known what had happened, because I still don’t know to this, to this day, quite what happened. I just kind of know just kind of bits and pieces and that’s what really frustrating is like there’s bits and pieces in my notes, you know, I know that, I know how much blood I lost. I know that I had a few injections of like Oxytocin I think it was to try and get the womb back down. I know I was open for a lot, I know I was in theatre for a long time because of the time I went in, and the time my Dad said I came out. So I know, and I know that another surgeon came in from one operation he was doing and he came in, but that’s only because that’s what bits and pieces. I’ve never had one person sit down with me and say, Okay, so you went in at this time. We started to do this, and then that went wrong. So we did this and then this happened. We did this and this happened. And then finally you had a hysterectomy and we did this That’s never, ever, you know, really been made clear for me. Which again has, I think that hinders part of the healing process because you do think, you know, how the heck happened? You know. So I think that a major sort of thing. I think the fact that I had no information on hysterectomy, that was like a major thing.

So I wanted to ask you about your notes. Did you see your notes after, and at what point did you see them?

I was provided with my intensive care notes by the intensive care department and then I applied to receive to receive my notes from the hospital. I think you had to pay something like £30 or something and that was probably about four, five months afterwards. I think I explained earlier, that I had lots of blank patches and I wanted to try and piece those together and try and fill in some of the holes, and I felt that by having my notes it might help. I wasn’t looking for anything to sort of pin blame or anybody or anything, because I didn’t feel that way. I’ve never felt that way at all. But I just wanted to try and fill in some of the gaps, for my reference.

And were they helpful?

Very helpful. I mean some of them like the ICU notes, I mean, I had to go through them with the, with the follow up sister to explain some of the terminology. I mean I understand a lot more of it now, but you know, when you first read it, it’s like reading another language. So there’s a lot of, because they’re having to type in stuff quite quickly as and when things happen, and so they use a lot of abbreviations and that type of thing, medical abbreviations as well, so Yes. Yes, it was definitely helpful to have the notes, to refer back to them.

Yes, it was hugely emotional coming, leaving. I can remember just getting to the waiting room and just bursting into tears and then getting into the car and having to sort of we’ve made it, we’ve made it. I can’t believe we’ve done it. We’ve done it.

And you know, I came in in September and all the leaves were on the trees and it was spring or early autumn, but it felt like spring and came home, and while we were in special care it was one of the really bad dumps of snow and I had to walk with my snow boots to sort of get to hospital and all the staff had been snowed in, and the season’s had changed and the Christmas lights were up and it was, you know, and I thought I’ve not driven a car, I haven’t eaten out, I haven’t you know, done anything normal for so long or been on my own which was really. And that was a long time before I was on my own. I think that was when I went to get my hair cut and I thought. I mean you’ve been in hospital and in a bizarre way that was a very lonely thing, even thought people are around you all the time. But, to physically not be encumbered in any way. It was a very, you know, you come home and things were actually in the right place and that’s not how I would have done it [laughs]. So, I had to get a grip. But it was lovely you know, being in, and it was a really special Christmas. It was a very intimate Christmas but it was you know, you are a lot more grateful for what you’ve got [laughs].

And has, you sort of touched on, on sort of whether people sort of move on. Have you kind of thought about counselling or kind of anyone to help you?

Yes, we have talked about. I think it probably would be really useful, because it’s the sort of thing where you do feel a bit ungrateful talking to other people. And you know, I keep in contact with some of the girls from special care who have got a lot more poorly babies than we have. I mean [second daughter]’s absolutely fine. So you feel a bit self-indulgent talking about it to people like that and you know, I mean, they will always be someone worse off. I think it probably would be really helpful, especially for [husband] I think, because men don’t tend to talk about it, and you know, I got, I got the sympathy and I got the oh this and that. But it was sometimes it was, people would say things like, Oh you must have been so bored And I’d think you really didn’t understand. Yes, I was. But gosh that wasn’t [laughs] what made it hard. It was that, and I, constant state of anxiety and that, I don’t think that went until [second daughter] had reached her due date, got over that first illness in, so probably really only a month ago, that sense of anxiety. Obviously it’s not as heightened as it was while I was in hospital, but it’s a long time to live with that feeling of. Oh my gosh. And I don’t think at the time I voiced it in my own head. it’s not now until I think I could have died. She could have died. We both could have died, and even now saying that, I feel slightly melodramatic saying it [laughs]. You sort of think gosh, you just should be grateful, but
I mean I guess four months is really not very long.

No, no.

Yes, last year, was so much the process of it. The what had happened to me, things I’d gone through, you know, because it wasn’t even just like the operation, it was everything I went through in hospital, you know, intensive care, it’s not a nice place to be anyway, so you know, I had to make jokes, because I had like a urine bag, I had a bag in my bum, I had two drainages. I had all sorts, and you know, you’ve got relatives and stuff coming to see you, you kind of have to make jokes about it. Insider you’re embarrassed and it’s hard to do, you know, when you come out of hospital, I just like I just feel so embarrassed for myself and things like that but I didn’t have a choice, but I think that was hard, the helplessness, thinking about pain, because I can still remember the pain now, and like remembering I got told as well, that if I’d have been left an hour, an hour more upstairs, I’d be dead now. So, I don’t know, I think it was because the septicaemia had kicked in already. Yes, so that’s hard, because obviously then start to think, well what if I hadn’t have woken up? How would they know I was dead? How would they know how to help me? And the fact is I just would have died. Nobody would have known because my partner would have come up and just like, Oh she’s sleeping, bless her. Do you know, that’s scary. You know, you think I’d been glad that I woke up, you know, and the ambulance and the fact that you know, things torture me, like Why when I was going in the ambulance, why didn’t I ask for [younger son] to come? You know, and the fact that [younger son] was in serious danger himself, because I’d been breastfeeding, putting that bacteria into him. And so he had to get treated as well. And like, like now I just think, Why, why didn’t I just scream and say, Get my baby with me? What, you know, what was, you know, and I punish myself for that, but I wasn’t in any fit state to even know about what was going on. And the brain plays tricks on you I think, because you know, you know I think to myself, why wasn’t I terrified? When they told me I had to have an operation, why wasn’t I..? I had to have a needle put in my neck and I was awake, you know, the size of the needle, you know, it was a big needle. And I think now, I just, I think luckily I just let them do it. I think now if anybody came near me with a needle like that I would, I’d go mad. But I just let them do it, and like for me, it’s really weird thinking that it’s me that was there, because I just so wasn’t. I didn’t think I was going to die. And that was scary because I was so calm. How can you be so calm when you’re faced with death? How? I don’t understand it. Looking back now I think why wasn’t I panicking? Being taken to hospital, being taken in the ambulance. Why wasn’t I panicking? They were using all these big words, you know, that I vaguely knew because I’d done the course at college, so I vaguely knew what they meant. And I knew what they meant, like they weren’t good words. Like tachycardic and stuff like that. A raised heartbeat I think. No I had to have a scan on my heart. Well I had to have all sorts of stuff done. They put a catheter, catheter the wee one, put it in, as soon as I got into hospital, into accident and emergency. So it was like all these things. Why wasn’t I panicking? Why wasn’t I in bits? But I think, you just don’t think like that, your body just, just goes into like a survival mode or something I don’t know. But that, that worried me a lot, like why wasn’t, why wasn’t I scared? Being faced with that. I’m scared now. You know, I’m scared now for me back then. What? You can’tI can’t make sense

Then when it got towards his first birthday, I started to feel quite anxious and just really, I’d gone back to work when he was ten, ten and a half months old as well. So going back to work and leaving him for the first time, and everything else was quite. I did everything all at once I think, and I’d actually done some fund raising for the hospital as I went back to work and so I was in touch with one of the midwives at the hospital and I mentioned to her that I was starting to struggle leading up to his birthday and she put me back in touch with the same counsellor and I saw her a few more times, that’s how actually, and it’s strange, I thought I would have needed more support immediately after the event, but it was actually a year after that I felt that I needed more help. But I think that it just brought feelings out that I’d just bottled them up. I’d kind of packaged them away and said, that dealt with, and I hadn’t worked through my feelings, I’d just pushed them to one side and said, I don’t, that’s fine, that’s okay. Put a smiley face on and got on with it [laughs]. And it worked short term, but then it came back to bite me when I was least expecting it as well actually and so I struggled quite a lot around his birthday, which he really helped me to go back and think about what had happened and talk about, talk about the things, and really uncover the things that were bothering me. The things that I hadn’t even realised were issues really. She helped me to kind of talk those through and get to a spot where I could identify why I was feeling the way I was feeling, and, and also make me realise that there’s no shame in feeling upset about what happened. And that if other people have a problem with it, then that’s their problem. But, and so now, it’s good, because now I just say if I’m feeling a little bit down and someone will say, Oh just think about what you’ve got. And it’s amazing how many people say to you, Oh but just look at the gorgeous son you’ve got. As if, and then I would feel bad for thinking but that’s not enough, because he is enough. But it was almost as if, because I was still feeling bad, despite thinking of him, that he wasn’t enough to make and I’ve now got to the point, where I say, I’m feeling down about it, but that’s okay. I’m going to allow myself to feel down about it, or cry. Because that’s what I need to do, to get it out of my system. And I find it just being like that and not suppressing how I’m feeling means it’s over and done with, so much quicker than, than if I squashed, squashed the feelings and they just hang around for ages. So…

He finally came at 10 o’clock in the morning and it was just like that feeling I will never forget, of him, you could see how grateful he was. I mean in his eyes you could see how serious it was. How serious it had been for all of them. My Dad, everybody. You could see when they saw me, just how, you know, I sort of saw from them you know, and they told me that people even up in Cornwall had heard about my story. And that they were asking about me. How they were getting floods of phone calls, floods of text messages from people who didn’t even know me. People were talking about it in like garden centres, stuff like that. And people were like oh I know that girl. You know, and it was like a really big thing. And I just sort of made a joke about it. You know, I’m a celebrity and all this sort of stuff and I kept positive. Because when, when on the Intensive Care they give you like an hour for lunch, like when you have to be on your own, and I think that’s when they do like, when they sort of sort all the patients out. You know, when you’re in Intensive Care you tend to like have all sorts of tubes and stuff coming out of everywhere. So my partner had to go home and I remember thinking about, I’ve got a choice now. I can quite easily let this consume me or I can just be positive and go for it, and don’t, don’t let it eat me up. Because it will kill me off if I let it eat me up basically, because you can’t change it. So I decided there and then to be positive about it. But it doesn’t mean to say any of that was easy. But that was my decision.