I’ve had to go, I had to get a job so we needed some money just to sort of help tie us over and tick things over and things like that so I had to go out to work, which is fine but then that put stress on the family unit because then I have to leave Michelle with Vinnie to look after Vinnie so although Vinnie’s got Long Covid, Vinnie is still a toddler, he’s now four and that puts pressure on her in terms of her fatigue and then how that makes her feel and then, you know, everything has a knock on effect.

Yeah so originally when we got back I just got a job in a supermarket I just, anything I didn’t care what it was just a bit of money, I mean we weren’t desperate for money but just to, you know, help with things to tie over because obviously when you’re, we were living in a caravan and tent so we could live quite cheaply and we were living at my dad’s but that wasn’t ideal so we needed to rent somewhere because Vinnie was into everything and as much as we could stay, so I just got a job, just get some money.

And I wasn’t feeling very resilient myself. I was very stressed and we hadn’t really adjusted to the idea of this being a long term illness and needed to work out quite how to manage it and how to look after him and ended up having some time off sick myself because I felt I think I was at work the week before I went off sick and found that really hard to concentrate on my patients when I started crying and I had letters about patients with their bad diagnosis and things like that. I thought, I can’t be a doctor when I’m not able to handle it emotionally because of what’s going on at home, so I had some time off sick. And then I’ve gone back, but on reduced hours. So, and that’s a temporary solution and that’s going to have to, and we’re going to have to come up with some more permanent solution quite soon. And I don’t know what that solution is at the moment.

So, that’s, that’s quite a big impact for me as well as for [son] and so there’s a lot on my work when I wouldn't, I, I’ve turned down opportunities for different—for you know a step forward in my career and taking on more work it’s what I wanted to do. But only that, I’ve now had to kind of reduce what I was already doing. And if I do that on a long-term basis that will have a big financial impact as well. And I’m the sole wage earner. There’s no easy answers actually not sure what the answer is at the moment.

Well there is that you know, if he hadn’t been ill, I would’ve stepped up at work and taken on more responsibility and more hours, so you know, it would be so that more, more money would’ve come with that. So, it was stuff that I hadn’t accepted because of that. Now, I’m thinking that I need, I need to work half days because he, when he’s having a bad day, he can’t get to the kitchen to get food. So, he can’t actually really look after himself. So, if I, if I have a half day then that’s okay, I just leave something out for him and then we eat when I get back. But my long days are quite long. It’s I think it doesn't help him very much [laughs] if I’m out 12 or 14 hours and he’s not eating properly. And he’s just on his own all that time feeling so unwell and stressful for him and I think that wasn’t helping with his recovery anyway. So, at the moment I’m on a phased return to work to, I’m using up annual leave, so that I can have some half days, but that will run out at the end of the month [laughs]. Don’t know what we are going to do after that.

Yeah, so my husband has been amazing, he’s just been able to… he’s a [job title], so he has been able to delegate a bit, and he was half-managerial, so he’s been able to just look after my sons completely, because I can’t get [daughter] in the car and do the school run or go shopping, or do anything, you know? So, he’s just taken over their care 100%. Which I think he’s enjoyed bonding with them, but we’re very fortunate he was able to do that, and I really, you know, appreciate we’re in a privileged position and the majority of people I… I can’t… I dread to think how it would affect you know somebody who worked in a factory, and they were on a minimum wage, you know it’s just, yeah, really hard.

Our parents don’t help, they’re a bit old, but so they… you know, it’s just a different time in their lives, so it’s pretty much me and [husband]. We have had some friends helping after school and doing shared lifts and things as well, but he’s really just so lucky he’s been able to step away from work. He… he has to do some on-call and night work at the weekend, which was a bit tricky, but on the whole, he’s been around and really supportive. He’s done everything. He’s cooked, he’s cleaned, he’s… you know, he’s… he’s done everything I would do.

So I, after about two and half, two- and three-quarter months, I said to work, “I just cannot, can’t manage this.” So I went off sick and then when my, in fact, because thank goodness of the furlough scheme, I hadn’t used any of my sick time and I was able, I was eligible for three months sick in a year. So when I took that, and I worked part-time, I was, I used to be four days a week. And so I worked and used up all my sick pay and all my holiday, and then it got to April this year, and I was a bit like, “Shit, I’m gonna have to get work,” cos I’m a single parent of three kids who gets nothing off of my ex in any way. So I was like, “Shit, what am I gonna do?” and that was a big worry.

But then my work were amazing, and I just told them what, I said, “I just don’t think I can do,” I said, “I’m no better than I was when I gave up, so if I start trying to do what I was doing before that is just going not work.” I said, “I need something that’s really, I can’t concen-, I can’t concentrate, my short-term memory is appalling.” I, I write for a living, but I said, “I just don’t think I can do that.” I said, “I can, I’d be better verbally.” And so I said, “if there’s something like client surveys I could maybe help with, where I’m not having to-,” cos my normal job I’m having to advise senior executives of multiple companies about regulatory requirements and best practice for their annual reports, so it’s quite, some of it’s quite technical, and you have to keep a lot of information in your head and there’ve been lots of regulatory change while I’d been off as well. So all in all it was just overwhelming. I said, “I just, really I’m not up to that.” And my work, thank goodness, it happened to coincide with the time of year when there’s a big seasonal need for client surveys, so that was really good timing.

And then over time I gradually, gradually, gradually just managed to do a little tiny bit more, and a bit more, and I think my, I’ve still got massive cognitive issues, but they did improve enough, and my confidence helped, you know, improved as well. So I’ve gradually better, but I still can’t do my job as it was, and I can, I do three days a week now and it’s a kind of dumbed down version of my job. And it’s so hard because I don’t know myself what I can do and so, they certainly don’t. It’s incredibly difficult for employers as well as workers as well.

I guess it’s been tricky because she’s been off school so any time off, she obviously needs a parent to look after her, so then it… then it impacts on your… on my work or my husband’s work; we’ve had to kind of share the time off. So, my boss has been pretty flexible, I do not have a job where I can work from home [chuckles]. So that’s been quite difficult to manage. She’s been very flexible in trying to allow me to work from home at certain times when there’s been tasks that I can do at home. That’s not always an option, so my husband has had to take annual leave in order to look after our daughter, which then, that impacts on us being able to spend time as a family. Yeah, because it’s either using the annual leave or taking unpaid leave. So, we’re both in a position where to care for our child, either one of us would have to take unpaid leave. He can take annual leave to take care of her, I can’t in terms of contract, so I’m bound by my contract to be in, so I don’t have that same opportunity and flexibility around annual leave, so it has had to come from… from his annual leave.

Yeah, and what happens when his annual leave runs out?

Yeah, so eventually, if that’s the case, and it would… we would… one of us would have to look at taking unpaid leave and to take care of her, so any relapses in kind of chest infections or just a bad day, if she’s more fatigued than usual, there’s… there’s lots of different reasons why she could be off school. So yeah, but the only option we would be left with is… is unpaid leave, which opens up a whole new world of complications.

Is that something that is like a real threat at the moment, or are you trying not to think about it?

It could be a case of trying not to think about it. We are just starting… my husband is starting a new holiday year from April, so we’re a bit like, ‘oh, we made it, so you’re kind of floating again almost, we’ve got a new set of holiday entitlement to kind of get us through, but how long that lasts, I don’t know. So we’re kind of feeling OK about things at the minute, but who knows.

So I got a job in a supermarket initially and when, they were quite good in regards to I had to have conversations with them, like Vinnie’s got an appointment I’ve gotta go and come back they were fine or if I had to change a day or stuff like that but in the end, so Vinnie went into hospital didn’t he for a week and he got admitted for a week and it meant that I had two days off work and I told work the situation said look Vinnie’s been admitted to hospital I’m not going to be able to come into work and my manager messaged me and said no problem I’ll put it down as compassionate leave, I said really brilliant, thanks for that really appreciate it.

Payslip rolled round, hadn’t been paid for it I absolutely lost it basically, I just went into work and said like “is this a joke”, you know what I mean? I’ve been here every day throughout the pandemic I’ve never had a day off, you know I’m hard working I, you know, I give everything I, even, you know, even when I, you know, people were having days off because of isolation and all those, I said you know, that I’ve never had a day off for isolation I said, you know, I’ve kept positive I’ve, even when I hurt my, hurt myself because it was quite a physical, demanding job I was doing, I was lifting stuff off top shelves, so when I physically hurt myself I still didn’t have a day off, still come in because I thought there’s something I can do and I said “you’re not going to pay me because my son was in hospital?” And he said “oh I can’t”, I said “yes, you can I said you can choose to pay me, I’ve all the policies” he said “oh no” and I think he was being led by the Personnel manager when I kept throwing the policies back at him he didn’t, he didn’t budge even though I know he could have done and in the end I just, I just gave them my notice, I just said I’ve got my envelope here I’m leaving I’m not, I don’t want to stay working for a company like this, do you know what I mean, I said it’s shameful.

And at that point he then turned and said oh I can do this, I can do this and I was like no it’s too late you, you know, my son is my priority I’m not prepared to sacrifice that and if you’re not going to look after me as an employee in that regard then I’m just not interested like you’ve made me feel worthless I’m going. So with that I walked out of that in August last year, it might have been a bit earlier and I didn’t, I applied for lots of things working from home to try and make it easier but obviously everybody was working from home and everybody wanted a working from home job and it was really difficult but then I managed to get something with a company I used to work with before I was a teacher, so like 20 years ago and so now I work at home which is fantastic because it just gives me the flexibility to help out with getting Vinnie ready or helping Michelle.

But they also give me three days off a year for appointments, so I can book like a half day, so when we went to the [Hospital] I can book a half day and they honour that and, you know, they said that, you know, you get three days a year if you need to do this for parental consideration, I was just like fantastic, like I feel relieved that I haven’t got to stress so much about asking for time off all the time that it’s actually allocated and it’s sitting there if I need it.

Yeah I know, I just felt bad because I didn't know what to tell work why I wanted the, so I just sort of said, “I need to book this week off.” And I booked a couple more days the week after I—, ‘cos I didn't know what to tell my manager why I was taking this leave. So, in my head, it felt easier to say holiday and so I didn't have to explain the reason behind it, which is odd. I just, I think it’s working with males. I didn't feel comfortable explaining why I wanted to go off sick.

Is that because you thought it was a mental health problem rather than the Long Covid thing?

No, it’s a bizarre one. I do know why I didn't tell the males. I didn't want to seem weak if that makes sense ‘cos I work in such a male dominant workplace, I didn't want to come across as being weak or being different. I wanted to be seen as an equal, if that makes sense. And obviously, I don’t know if anybody else has been through the same thing ‘cos they haven’t, so I just, I didn't want to seem weak in front of a male dominant industry.

And how’s that worked going back then?

Well, the past couple of weeks have been, they’re definitely getting better. I’m definitely feeling a hell of a lot like myself now, definitely. I’ve, I think I had one bad day last week, but nothing, nothing compared to what I’ve been having.

So you don’t get the sense they’ve picked anything up then, or no-one’s said anything at work?

No. They, when I was at work and [sighs] I did have, I think it was three days where I tried to go to work thinking I was fine and I sort of, I sort of contained my tears, but they could quite clearly tell like a few snuck out and they sort of said, “Are you alright?” And the more they asked me I was alright, the more it sort of made it worse. So, they haven't really pushed anymore or asked me anymore about it.