Henry

In the period of time at university where I was sort of exploring my identity a little bit more, I came across a group of people that were sort of, you know identified under the LGBTQ spectrum, and were very kind of open about discussing how they were feeling.

And it wasn’t until I had a couple of conversations with those people, and started to kind of explore things a little bit more, you know I remember hearing somebody describe themselves as gender queer, and that was a term quite early on that I thought oh actually that, that might fit. Because I was, I’ve always been aware of this kind of, this dissonance, this disconnect between how I feel and how I want people to see me, and kind of the body that I’ve got, and I kind of grew up either having just the sense of apathy towards my body, which I know isn’t you know, with teenagers especially, isn’t, isn’t uncommon. Or I would have periods of time where I would actually feel quite a lot of distress around certain areas of my body and doing different things and being in certain social situations.

So when the words yeah gender queer was the first one, and then kind of when I explored term trans, and transgender more specifically, I started to realise that there were other ways of identifying, and I think, when I started to experiment with things, very much in a safe way, so I started off by wearing a binder, a couple of times a week, just in my room.

And I just kind of did it really, really slowly, and then I, then I would wear it out, and obviously nobody really kind of noticed specifically apart from a few close friends, and my partner at the time, who I kind of have conversations with, but they were very subtle changes, so I was aware I was taking it at my own pace, and then I kind of asked people to change the pronoun use, and then it wasn’t, I think it was a, I think that, that kind of happened over a period of probably about two years. Cos I was quite conscious, and I guess the media also is prone to telling people that when somebody realises that they’re trans it’s [clicks fingers] suddenly everything happens very quickly, and people make quick decisions and then regret them. And that was a rhetoric I think that I was very conscious of, and still to an extent am quite conscious of for different reasons.

I was acutely aware that this was always the second time I’d be coming out, and my first time didn’t go so well, so my, when I came out as gay I, I didn’t really come out so I, I had a secret, I had a secret girlfriend that I called a lot, and clocked up a phone bill, and then my parents confronted me about that, and oh it was a mess, so got off on a bad foot to start with, you know with a £250.00 phone bill, that was not the best way to go about it.

So I was conscious that I wanted to be more in control this time, I think that had given me, I almost saw this as an opportunity to do it right, but again I was aware that I might face a lot of negative responses I think, as much as, you know I was in a, I was in a bit of bubble at university and then you know me coming out to my friends at university wasn’t a surprise, cos they’d already kind of seen me exploring things already, and everybody, for the most part, was incredibly supportive and genuine in kind of being supportive. But it was the wider world and you know outside of that bubble that I was, I was afraid of.

And I almost, so I toyed with the idea of writing something to my parents but just, I felt like there was so much opportunity for miscommunication if I wrote something down, that I, as much as I know it’s such a valid way for some people to use to come out I, I chose instead to just sort my head out and speak to them about it and I’m glad I did, and I did that, I did that over the phone, but I’m, again yeah I’m glad I did it that way cos I kind of told them over the phone and then kind of just left it with them for a bit.

And immediately when I said that again they, they weren’t really surprised when they heard it, but it, me kind of giving that information to them they were supportive of me from the offset, and then the questions came. So I think I almost gave them that information and then they started to question it and to they, I mean since my parents have, so my parents have gone through a greater transition than I have to be honest cos now they’re almost too supportive, they, you know go to Pride marches and they’re better than I am.

But they, they did have a lot of questions at the start and I think some of those questions weren’t always phrased in the best way. So I almost again trying to do it at, at my own pace rather than feeling rushed like the first time, I was, they would, they would ask me questions, I’d then have time to process and I’d get back to them and it was, it was a very that distance helped I think.

And then I, so I remember posting a status on, on Facebook I think, about six months after I’d told my parents and that’s when I guess the wider world were informed, and if the, if there were negative responses I can’t, I can’t remember them if I’m honest, and I think the positivity that I got outweighed whatever the negative was. And again it was almost like I posted it and then I left it, and I didn’t go on Facebook for a week, and I just, yeah I think I, as I’ve grown I’ve gotten to know that I much prefer to do things at a slower pace, where I feel more in control, and it says a lot about me I think, but yeah, that’s kind of how I did it.

And to be honest around that time; so I entered, so when I graduated from university I did kind of a social work grad scheme, so I went into social work, and starting that grad scheme was an absolute baptism of fire because I, it was the first time I’d started something as [name], with he/him pronouns, so that, that was kind of the start of the limbo stage, what I call the limbo stage which was a little bit horrendous because everybody knew me as [name], and you know for the most part used he/him pronouns, but I wasn’t, so I still had a high voice and I, you know I was basically waiting for the access to the hormones that I knew were kind of the natural next step for me so that was the, that was the part when I found myself having to come out every day, and that was where it got a bit more difficult.

I think when I started exploring things, and even though, you know in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t that long ago. I’m aware that I was presented with a specific kind of narrative, which even by today’s standards has been changed and transformed so I think, you know particularly other trans people that I was speaking to at University, I was only just starting to meet people that were non-binary, and to come across people who were transitioning in different ways.

And I guess, I think for me I think I fit, I think I fit a model of transitioning and a narrative that the rest of the world understands, and of just, well some of the world understands and have got to grips with. So you know, I used to describe myself as FTM, and I’ve stopped using that but I used to say FTM because the one to the other, the binary kind of switch I guess is something that people can get their heads around. And I think at the start of my transition as well, even though I was exploring things, when I realised that that’s how I identified, that just, I’m conscious of saying it wasn’t easier, but it, actually it was easier than how, than a lot of people I think and their experiences of their transition.

You know I think that that’s quite a powerful thing really, and actually as trans people we need to be doing more to challenge that. I guess like you were saying about passing earlier, and about the weight that sometimes that people attribute to that’s, that was my goal at the start, if I’m brutally honest.

Now that’s something that I think about in a more critical way. And I’ve come to appreciate kind of as time has gone on that there are lots of people that, that transition differently. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the way I’ve transitioned is wrong, I think, and I don’t think that I, yeah I don’t think that my transition is any less valid, but I’ve certainly, had I kind of, if I was to think, if I was at the start of my transition now, it may have looked different because I don’t think my goal would have been to pass, and I think I’d have been more aware of other trans people that that have different narratives to mine. And I guess have different experiences.

I didn’t, I, probably from my own ignorance I wasn’t in contact with people that did have those different experiences of transitioning when I started, but now I do, and that’s changed the way that I think about things. So yeah, I, sometimes I give myself a bit of a hard time I think, about, about fitting the narrative, and about being that trans person that, that does fit the world’s newly developed opinion of trans people, and that gives me a certain amount of privilege as well, so I think I need to play a part in saying to the people that question me, or question the existence of non-binary people, particularly in my place of work I’m thinking of a couple of examples, I need to be challenging that and saying, “Well this is how I transitioned, and I know that makes sense to you cos this is not the only valid way and this is not the only valid narrative.”

So I remember quite early on at university, so I remember getting to university and wanting to join all of the sports teams, but then I dislocated my knee in my second week and that quickly wrote that option off, so I then started to slowly explore a lot of the social justice groups at university, one of them being so the LGBT society, and I remember, I remember speaking to and meeting a, basically the very first trans person that I’d ever met, and at the time thinking I have never met anybody like this before. I’ve never met anybody with this life experience, and I remember kind of learning a lot from them and kind of taking on board, I mean not that I ever kind of sat down and questioned them about their life, but just from the, the things that they spoke about and the things that were important to them. I remember learning a lot about how they saw the world and how they interacted with the world and, and that, that was really kind of transformative for me. And it was just hearing somebody have experiences that then I reflected on and could relate to blew my mind.

And it did take me quite a while to process that and to face that. And yeah I remember then having, so I’d almost, I’d almost kind of have that space where I’d, I kind of learn about trans issues and learn about, and, and just have the opportunity to speak to, to trans people, and then I’d kind of go away and sit with my housemates and in that kind of safe space have you know a period of time where I’d be able to talk about it, and sometimes not explicitly, but just discuss things with them.

I would say from my experiences with, with GP’s hasn’t been great, I think some of the reasons that they’ve used that I’ve touched on briefly to validate them not prescribing hormones, have been borderline prejudice, I think there’s been a lot of I think, the healthcare professionals can hide behind a mask sometimes of not being a specialist, which, so and that mask then hides just general ignorance, and a general unwillingness to educate themselves about trans people, about their experiences and about their role supporting their access to healthcare.

So yeah, I think I’ve come across a lot of those masks, I don’t know if they’re masks for sure, because again to be a GP and to feel out of your depth with prescribing someone a medication is something that, that, that needs to be talked more about, and is a valid thing to say, and to feel, so I don’t know if they’re masks, but sometimes given the language that people have used, I feel like they, yeah, sometimes a professional will say, “Oh I can’t prescribe you this medication,” what they, what I hear and what they’re actually saying is, “I don’t want to prescribe you this medication.”

And I feel like given the amount of research which I didn’t know at the start of this journey, and I do now, which suggests that hormones are very safe to be prescribed, given the guidance that is now produced by the specialist clinics for GP’s, that’s not really an excuse. I don’t think a GP can turn around and say that they don’t want to do that, on, on ethical grounds because that’s, yeah, I don’t think that’s valid. So I think I’ve, to be honest probably given the experiences that other trans people have I think I’ve gotten off quite lightly, but I think I have experienced a little bit of, of how frustrating that can be, and how that can make you feel.

As a trans person who has to come into contact with healthcare professionals a lot, just because of the nature of the journey, some, I think you get, I think on one hand you almost get used to speaking to professionals, so on one level you kind of get used to walking into a room, having already educated yourself a little bit, and knowing that you might be questioned a bit so, not that you go into a room in a defensive way but you kind of almost go into a room knowing that you’re going to have to assert your own power in order to I guess get the support that you need sometimes.

So, and I don’t think that’s something that’s obviously you know, it’s, it’s not just an experience that trans people have, but I think that it’s, it’s something that as trans people you just get used to doing every time you walk into a room with a healthcare professional in one. I think that being said though, it can be very easy then to go into a room with this sense of power, and this purpose, and to then be disempowered very quickly when that professional for whatever reason, it’s not, you know if the professional has a reason, I think, for not supporting you for whatever reason, then sometimes that’s valid, and sometimes I think there is room for challenge, because as a patient you’re the expert in terms of yourself, but you’re not an expert when it comes to that, you know medication, and diagnoses all the time.

So that being said, you know I think it can be, yeah you can be disempowered quite quickly and sometimes it happens, like I say sometimes it happens for a reason and sometimes that’s okay, sometimes it happens and it’s not okay. So sometimes you can be challenged by a professional, like I was on illegitimate grounds, and in a way that then invalidates not only what you went in there to say, but also you as a person, and that can stay with you for quite a while. So, going into a room with a healthcare professional and having a conversation with, with a professional can be a very scary thing.

And I guess what terrifies me I think is that, for me, having a Mum that’s a healthcare professional, and being a healthcare professional myself, you know I’m going into these spaces and I’m coming away exhausted, having had that experience on the other side and, and being in a position where I’m, you know relatively I guess in a good place mentally, to manage those power relations. When you’re a young person or somebody who is not in that place then it’s an even scarier thing.

I remember coming back from my second appointment with the gender clinic, with a full green light on starting hormones, you know a number of years after, after waiting for it, and I, things were almost flowing a bit too smoothly, and I remember going into the GP the GP office and speaking to them about this, and about the consultation I’d had and them saying, “Well we can’t prescribe you hormones, we, we’re not going to do that.”

And I, yeah I can remember just being floored, because at that point I’d, I feel like I’d ticked all the boxes, I’d gone at a slow enough pace in my own mind to think I’m not going to regret this, and I’d, you know I’d jumped through the hoops with the gender clinic and not that they were hoops, I think they were necessary, but you know all the psychological assessments and to then kind of hear a GP say that, I remember them saying, “You know well we, how can I just take your word for it that this is something that you want and you’re not going to regret,” and I just thought hang on a minute, I’ve just had two psychological assessments from gender specialists who have kind of assessed me and said, and kind of validated why I’m accessing, why I want to access this treatment, and to have them just turn round and say that, I just was not expecting.

And it then took, I think I then saw three GP’s two in the same practice and then one in another practice, all of whom said no, for various different reasons. So one was, one was funding related and yeah, I remember having conversations with the CCG about funding but not really getting anywhere. So I remember, so the GP that I’d spoke to, I’d spoke to at the time said, “Well you know I don’t know if I can if I can license that. I don’t know if I can use if I can prescribe testosterone,” this is with me sharing all the shared care prescribing guidance that the clinic had given me, which I then had to call up the clinic and ask them to send to me, because whichever copy went to the GP disappeared.

So I was having all these conversations, I remember one GP just outrightly just saying, “No.” And I was about to, I have to admit I’m a little bit ashamed to admit this, but I’m not, I spoke with my Mum again, being the healthcare professional that I know and trust the most probably in the world, that, and speaking to her about what I actually could and could not challenge with the GP, because I always walked in and still walk into a GP’s surgery and feel quite disempowered. I think probably because of that experience as well, because I just didn’t, I almost didn’t feel like I had a leg to stand on, to then challenge what they were saying.

So when I got to the third or fourth GP I think it was, and they said, “Yes, why on earth has nobody not done this for you yet?” It was, I, if that was, again I reacted with shock and could not say anything because it was such a total, you know, it was a total contradiction to everything I’d been hearing. And I think that, that took around six months to rectify, and I remember having to, at one point I had to write to the gender clinic to ask for some specific guidance about what to say to my GP, cos at that point I think I was like, “No I’m going to stick with this GP, and if I don’t speak to them about this then the next trans person that walks in the door, is going to have the same experience.”

For what they are, and for my in light of, you know of my expectations of the gender clinic and what they are, my experiences with them directly, when I’ve been in the room have been pretty good. So the clinicians I’ve seen, I think I’ve seen an array, and they have all been I think in contrast to the GP’s that I’ve had, I’ve never had to fight for anything when I’ve got in the room, I never, never had to explain anything beyond what I’d been expected to explain, I’ve always been made to feel comfortable, and I’ve always felt listened to.

And that’s been really important. I think outside of that, it’s been more challenging, so where, I guess when, when you’re in the room with them they give you their full attention, they give you and they give you support and they give you exactly what I felt I needed. But then outside of that room trying to co-ordinate things with them has been really challenging. And that’s something that I think potentially, not that I want to point out their flaws cos I’m just forever grateful that they exist, but that needs work.

So I know at the moment it’s a struggle to even speak to somebody on the phone, over the past kind of year, so I’ve, again trying to get on, get away from Sustanon, cos the last, the last appointment I had last October with a clinician at the gender clinic they said, “I can’t believe you’ve been on Sustanon for two years, you shouldn’t have been on this for two years.” So, I’m like, “Oh my goodness, okay, I need to sort this out.”

So I they, they kind of gave me a list of things to do and I went away and did them, I got my blood test sorted which I obviously had to send to them, cos my GP didn’t want to. And I had to sort all of, all of this out and, but then actually getting hold of someone at the gender clinic has been really, really difficult, and time has gone by now, where so I needed an ultrasound scan for them to sign off on me switching, and various different things like that, and because that’s all taking time, obviously the current situation and Covid 19 taking that into account as well, I’m now at a point where I’ve done everything they’ve asked me to do, but my blood tests are out of date, so they’ve now come back to me and said I need to do my blood tests again.

So then that, that’s why I’ve been for one this morning, so that’s shifted back again and it’s, I feel like I’m going to be at my next appointment in, you know maybe, I dunno, it would have been six months but probably a year’s time, and in terms of my hormones, nothing will have changed, well I’m hoping something will have changed but potentially nothing will have changed and the fact that they then, so I think they tried to get in touch with me a couple of weeks ago to discuss, to tell me that I needed to get more blood tests and they rang me twice in the space of five minutes while I was at work, I didn’t have a number I could call back, and they basically left a message and said we’ll write to you. So I then had to wait for a letter, thankfully they’ve sent me an e-mail, which is good, and I think about time, they’ve just shifted onto e-mail, so I had to, I had to wait for the, for the email for then for them to basically tell me that I need to go and do my blood tests. And I’ve got no way of then getting back to them, and even though I can I can leave the voicemail messages saying please can somebody get back to me, I’m sure there are thousands, millions of voice mails like that, and I appreciate the stress that they’re under, but yeah, that communication again is missing, and it feels like there’s a lot of onus on, on you as a person to sort things out. Which is exhausting.

So, the gender clinic, generally, when I’ve been with them face to face, they’re great. Outside of that not so much. And I think as well, you know the space between the times when I see the gender clinic, often things have happened and they’ve, they’ve got no idea what’s happened in between, and a couple of times as well, so you know I’ve, I’ve had to try and communicate with them that for example I’m looking into getting a gender recognition certificate now and I know that I need a psychiatrist from that team to provide some evidence. I’m in the phase now of contemplating trying to contact them to ask them for that piece of information, because to be honest trying to get that before I see them face to face again, I think it’s just going to be such a mission I might as well just wait until I see them again. So that’s, that’s my frustration really with the gender clinic, and I get there are rational reasons for all of those things, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating, I guess, so.

So I was on the waiting list for chest surgery, for a double mastectomy, I was on that waiting list for about a year and a half, I was waiting for surgery with the clinic in [city], for a surgeon called Mr [name], again that was, that was a clinician that I’d researched into, I did a lot of research and I went to the gender clinic knowing they are going to do a referral for me, I need to know who I want to be referred to.

So I was on that waiting list but I, so for whatever reason I did my pre-op, and I did my initial assessment with them, but it, I was, I was told at the start it would be about a year, so that was the time frame I had in my head. And unfortunately it just, my surgery, well I wasn’t even given a date, the prospective time zone that I was to expect to have my surgery just kept get pushing, kept being pushed back sort of further and further, to the point where I think I think it was about now, when I should have been having it, and given what’s happened with Covid 19, it wouldn’t have been now.

So I think it was around October last year, I had a very serious conversation with my parents about private surgery, cos I think throughout my transition like I said before, I’ve always been a big advocate for kind of utilising the NHS, but I think at that point I was, so I, you know I’ve been binding non-stop for, is it five years? Five or six years, pretty much every day, and I was starting to notice that it was changing my, acutely aware of it now, my posture, breathing difficulties, you know taking it off every day, it was getting more and more painful. And I, mentally as well, you know, it, yeah that, my chest is always something that I’d struggled with, and wearing a binder every day was non-negotiable.

So essentially I got to a point where I started to explore private options for my surgery, and pretty much as, well as I think to be expected with some private health, private health services, it happened quite quickly, so I spoke to somebody, I had a consultation, I went for my initial assessment a couple of months after that and I had my surgery in March this year. And all of that was fairly seamless, and actually you know I had quite a good experience. I think, I chose a surgeon that was geographically close to where I lived, and to where my parents lived, so that was helpful, I didn’t have to go backwards and forwards to, I had done already for when I was on the old waiting list, but that was quite easy, and yeah, there were just a number of things that, you know I’m glad I did that, even though I’d, I had quite a moral conflict about it at the time, and I’m glad I did that.

I’ve got to a point where I did pursue some counselling cos around where I lived in [city] at that time the, they were offering free counselling for 16 to 25 year-olds, so I accessed that, didn’t need to go through my GP, I just accessed it as a self-referral, which was helpful, and unfortunately as lovely as the counsellor was, as I expected, as soon as I came out and said that I was trans, it then all became about my transition. But my counsellor, my counsellor was, as lovely as she was I, I don’t think she was trained in supporting people that you know, I don’t know if she was supported, she was trained in supporting LGBT people, full stop. Which is scary, given they’re offering support to 16 to 25 year-olds, but all the questions that she had about my gender were, so at the time I remember I was just starting to grow a beard, and she was saying, “Oh that’s fantastic, you must feel so great about that.” And I said, “I mean yes it’s amazing, but also I’m here talking to you saying that there’s things going wrong, I need to talk, I need to talk to you about those kind of things,” but she was saying, “But how? Because you’re transitioning, this is a really great thing.” And I said, “Yes, it’s a great thing, but also I feel like there’s things going wrong in my relationships,” and you know the, you know there were lots of things that I needed to kind of explore and actually you know I didn’t feel like, I didn’t feel like she held that very well. And through no fault of her own, because she probably hadn’t had the training to do that.

And you know I remember again she would ask me questions about my transition in order to learn, and as grateful as I was that she was learning, I don’t feel like, you know that, that sometimes took up half of my counselling sessions, so I don’t feel like that was very constructive way to use my counselling sessions. So that didn’t go very well.

That being said as well, I don’t feel like I’ve ever had the opportunity to explore my transition from the mental health side of things, because transitioning as a whole has, again as positive as it is, and as wonderful as this experience has been, it’s still a massive change that a person has to go through, and mentally speaking is just something that you, consciously you just can’t even comprehend sometimes, in terms of the way it impacts on things.

And so I would, I would love to have a space to talk about that with somebody who was trained to do so, in the context of my mental health as a whole, and recognising that my transition and my gender are part of my life. So that’s something that I’m exploring and I’m never going to be able to access that through the NHS, ever.

So I’m again looking into it privately, and even with private counsellors and therapists, there aren’t many that are experienced with working with, with gender diverse clients, so yeah, that’s, yeah that’s where I’m at with that one really.

So I guess towards the early stages of my transition, I’d, yeah, I was quite conscious of the impact of talking about my mental health on how my kind of, well basically just how my want to transition would be perceived. So I was, I’d say obviously that, that stage where I was I’d socially transitioned but not physically transitioned, was really hard and I think I came very close to talking about that in, with the healthcare professional, but what held me back was if I, if I say I have a mental health, if I say that I’m worried about my mental health, I’m struggling, and I want to have this conversation with you because you’re a healthcare professional and this is the level that it’s at, I feel like you’re going to think twice about supporting me in my transition, and it then, I’m worried that my mental health will then become all about my transition, and actually maybe there are other things going on that even I need, don’t know about that I need to explore. But my transition will both overshadow that and very much be tainted by that.

So unfortunately even saying this as a mental health professional, which is awful, I did not access perhaps the support that I could have done with, and that potentially would have saved me a lot of issues and potentially I wouldn’t have, it, I think my mental health wouldn’t have impacted on the relationships I had at the time, so yeah, that, that, I was always quite conscious of that and I think when I went into the gender clinic appointments I was always very firm in stating, “I, my mental health is fine, I am absolutely fine. I am totally stable, and safe to be undergoing this transition,” just to give them the impression that I was fine, which is awful cos I’m a mental health professional, and I’m just perpetuating the stigma. I was, yeah still reflecting on that a lot.

It just terrifies me the fact that there are people who, who don’t have the privilege and the benefits that I have, trying to co-ordinate all of this and have these conversations. Like if I think it’s hard, I dread to think what it’s like for other people who feel more disempowered and don’t have the privilege that I have, you know. I think even going in, even walking into a room you know me being a white person, and speaking to a white healthcare professional, race is something I never think about, race is never something that, that makes me feel disempowered, whereas for somebody else, for somebody who isn’t white that can, that could be totally disempowering immediately, before you’ve even said anything.

So, there are privileges I have on a number of levels that I recognise that help me feel empowered before I walk in a room, and even I come away feeling small and invalidated sometimes. So I think, yeah, there’s a lot to be said really for power dynamics and certainly there’s a, there should be a responsibility on professionals I think when they’re speaking to trans people in particular to think about that power. They should be thinking about that anyway, but yeah that, I think it’s particularly pertinent and when it comes to supporting trans patients.

I’ve never ever been able to picture myself physically having children, myself. And that’s something that still stands. Having children though, I guess, that’s something that has always been important to me, so I’ve always had that distinction and I’ve always known, I think, growing up and now that I’ve never wanted to biologically carry a child, but I’ve always wanted to have children. And so I guess, you know freezing my eggs was a part of that, and kind of looking forwards to the future, and again, almost kind of, I almost kind of separated myself from that emotionally and said, “Right this is something I just need to do,” and there’s going to be parts of it, you know I had to inject myself twice a day for two weeks, there were parts of it that, that were really unpleasant. But it was kind of, it was, I was quite focussed on the fact that if I wanted to have biological children one day I would need to do that, so I did it.

And right now I, I don’t know if I will ever use those eggs for myself. I don’t know what I’ll do with them. It’s nice to know that I have them, and that’s why I’d recommend to any person, any trans person to, to just think about your fertility before you undergo a transition, just, just have a thought about it. And I’m glad I did.

But now, I mean in terms of having children I think trans, queer people generally you know it’s nice to know that I think the concept of a trans person, an LGBT person having a child is becoming more acceptable in our society slowly, and there are still barriers, but that gives me hope I think because I would love to have children one day, and the means to me almost is less important than actually being able to support a child, and to be able to be a parent.

So, and that’s something I think, I think LGBT young people I know I did as a young person, came to terms with that quite early on, that I would not be having children via a normal means, so it’s something that I’ve almost kind of made my peace with really. That being said if I do become a parent that, the reality of it is a lot different than thinking about that as an abstract thing, but yeah, no, having children is important, so, whatever that looks like I’ll look forward to it I think.

As much as there will be challenges, there will also be fantastic opportunities for you to meet so many people that will enrich and benefit your life, and you will have so many experiences that will enrich and benefit your life. And as scary as it, I think it feels sometimes, I do believe that I think healthcare services will hopefully improve and that, that it will get easier for, for young people to access the support that they need. I’m really hopeful. Maybe I’m too optimistic, I don’t know. But I guess, I guess I’m almost at a stage now where I kind of want to see other trans people that are, that are older than me, so that I can kind of see what I’ve got to look forward to, and to see what to expect, I would urge trans, young trans people to seek out perhaps those kind of role models as well, and to, to just kind of seek out those safe spaces where they can be themselves. Don’t ever try and suppress a feeling that you’ve got, and as hard as that might be sometimes to find that safe space, you will find it eventually cos they do exist.

I would like to see general practitioners and general services become more practically affirming of trans people, and by practically affirming, I mean not just saying, not just doing the bare minimum, not just saying, “I support you, I think what you’re doing is great,” but actually training themselves to have the knowledge to support people, support trans people to not have to co-ordinate their own care, and to not have to explain to the professionals and educate the professionals themselves. I guess I would love for the onus to not, and the pressure to not be on trans people to educate their own healthcare professionals. That’s how I’d like to see it change.

And I know that that has to start, that has to start with the education, and that has to start with trans people. So, you know I know that that has to start somewhere, but I don’t think it has to happen in a clinic room. I think that I’d like to see healthcare professionals and healthcare systems as a whole adopting a willingness to be educated in a, in more formal settings.

And I think it’s right that trans people lead the way on that, but then we need to, we need to be putting ourselves forward and not feel pressured into having do, having to do that if that makes sense? If that distinction makes sense.

I would obviously as I don’t think there’s a single trans person who is okay with the fact that the waiting lists are four years long right now. So, I would love to see those change, and obviously that comes with greater funding for support for gender specific, gender clinics essentially, and gender specific healthcare, that’s probably asking a bit too much. But then again is it? I don’t know. I don’t think it is.

And I would love to see projects like this, I mean this, a project essentially and this research is, I think an excellent example of how we change the, how we change the culture of healthcare, and how we change, how trans, how we as trans people interact with healthcare, cos whilst I’d hope that this educates trans young people like you said, and just trans people like me in general, cos I’d love to get so much out of the stuff that you’re gonna produce. I would like to hope that maybe healthcare professionals also are able to access this, because ultimately I feel like this is the level that they need, and that’s, maybe this isn’t the right format but it’s these kinds of things that they need to know about, that they don’t.

Mental health services in particular as well. Cos I a big kind of bug bear about that and a big, a big passion about that. Trying to think if there’s anything else really. Certainly regarding kids, I think, you know the service that my, that the CAMHS service that I work for has a, the GD pathway, gender dysphoria pathway, is a great example of how services can support trans kids and trans young people, and trans people in general, you know if, if the community mental health team in adults mental health services had the same kind of support group, that in itself could be transformational for, for trans people, it doesn’t have to be for young people. So those are the sorts of spaces I’d like to see as well, that promote people’s mental health. So, I hope it’s not too much to ask is it, all of that? I don’t know. Those are the things that I’d love to see, and able to see improvements there.