Initially, I felt guilt and a little bit of paranoia, you know, what are these healthcare professionals thinking of me? You know, we all do it. Children in my school tell me things all the time and automatically my head goes to “What was the parent doing? What was their story? How’s the …” you know, and I know my class and my parents quite well, so I can sort of differentiate between the two. But when it’s kind of happening to you, it’s a really odd feeling. I know we’re professionals and we don’t judge each other but, you know, in your mind you’re always thinking “Oh, this guy’s burnt his son, what an idiot. But is he really, is he a horrible man? Is the wife ok? Is there any marks on the daughter?” Do you know what I mean? It’s that paranoia, checking up on you constantly and actually, it wasn’t but, for me, it felt that way. Guilt, I think, more than anything.

I think my guilt kind of intensified and my shame of it grew the more I kind of understood, well no, it’s not going to be gone in a week, it’s not like a scab, it’s not going to scab over and go, it’s permanent for him.

I didn’t want to relive it. For me, it was a horrible lapse in judgement, it was a moment that I would take away in a heartbeat. I mean, people say if you did a day in your life again, that would be the day that I would redo because then that wouldn’t have happened to him and he would be, you know, you’d look at his back and there’d be nothing there.

It’s kind of a dark episode for me and I’m kind of one of these people who compartmentalise things and I think I’ve put it somewhere, but I only deal with it when I have to. So, kind of it comes across as like ‘Well, you’re not really that bothered about it, are you?’ Whereas actually I’m kind of a bit worried about what they’re going to say tomorrow, whether or not the laser surgery’s still on the card or the skin graft is going to be needed. Are they going to be ok with it, does it look ok? Yeah, it’s um … it’s more … it grows as you kind of process it more, I think, and then you kind of, obviously, you deal with it and you rationalise it in your mind and you then are able to move on from it I suppose. But constantly thinking “Be careful, be careful, be careful, be careful!”.

When the burns nurses would come over and look at it and treat it and rebandage it with, I think it’s special silver-backed gauze, I think it was, and it was quite, this is probably the wrong thing to say, but it was quite nice to watch the size of the dressing reduce, and the amount of, kind of, what’s the right word here? I want to say, the amount of faffing, but it’s not faffing, because that’s not the right word, but the amount of time and precision and time that it took for them to undress it, clean it, dry it, put cream on it, bandage back on, wrap it around him and tie it off, dress him, you know, as that gradually reduced to the point where, actually, you know “Put this plaster on, leave this plaster on we’ll take it off in a week when we see you again” it kind of, it reduced the impact I think because it felt a bit more, you know, it was healing and he was going to be ok.

So, I think kind of initially in the first stages when it was, someone would have to come to our house to dress it and undress it and, you know, treat it for us and, not invade your home but, kind of, in my head, I’m thinking “What is she thinking? What is she …” because she obviously knows the case notes, she should have read the notes the doctor will have made, she’ll know the story, you know “What’s she thinking of me? Is she judging me when she’s here? Is it going to be a case of should I be somewhere else? Am I going to get some difficult questions?”. But as that kind of faded away and then we kind of ended up going to the hospital for him to have his treatments, I think it started to feel a bit more relaxed now and just kind of routine, you know, like you would if your child had stitches, I guess. You know, you go for the initial stitching and then you go for a follow-up to make sure the stitches have dissolved, and it’s knitted together and then you might go for another follow-up later on. It kind of felt a bit more routine then. And because he’s actually going tomorrow it’ll be interesting to see what the doctors say about it tomorrow. But it’s kind of nice that the severity of it seems to have kind of faded away a little bit, because they’ve been a little bit, you know, the attention that he’s had from the NHS has reduced, which means that it’s obviously a positive sign, I think.

I think it gave everybody the space they needed. I think, yeah had I had had to look him in the face for the six weeks without- I don’t know how I’d have reacted then. yeah, work was a bit of a- but, I mean, I’m quite close to my teaching assistants at school so I talked to them about it. Just feel like you can tell them anything, they’re wonderful people, teaching assistants. And then, when I’d come home “How’s your day? Is everything ok?” you know, and most of the time it was like “Everything’s fine. He’s been alright. He’s done this, this and this today.” Or I get-, but on those days “Oh, I went to hospital today” and I’d wait with bated breath as to what they said would happen now, um, or “The burns’ nurse has just been” or “and they’ve done this and this and now we’ve got to do this and this and this now.” It all comes flooding back to you and you think “Oh God, what a faff, what a hassle for him. What a hassle for us.” So, work was kind of a welcome distraction from it all, but as soon as I kind of came home it was kind of at the forefront of my mind for a bit, until it kind of all settled down and actually you knew it wasn’t going to be a significant and no major surgery involved and a thing that’s going to be really uncomfortable for him. It was, I think it gave my wife space from me as well, I think maybe she needed that just to, kind of dissipate that anger, I think.

So, I think it was, yeah, it was good to have that space and to kind of not think about it and not dwell on it but if it had been the summer holidays, I think it would have been completely different. You know, we would have been in each other’s space all the time, we would have fought a lot probably because of the emotions attached to it. There would have been worrying about him and having to go to the burns appointments and face the doctors and luckily, I think I went to one about a year and a half later, I think, and they were quite pleased with how it was getting on and it all seemed ok. So, I think, yeah, work was a good distraction and also gave everybody the space they needed to process their own emotions about it. So, it was a bit, yeah, we needed it.