On a day-day basis she does cooking I used to cook a lot, I don’t so much now, especially since I got diabetes. My food used to be very heavy on oils and fats and meat and, and salts and sugars and all kinds of bad stuff. So my wife looks after the diet side of things. I do things like run the rubbish out, tidy up, things like that from time to time. [Emotional support and understanding, keep an eye on me and my medication, go out with me for reassurance.]*

Although my wife laughing in the background does most of the hard work, I have to admit. On a, on a dealing with other people basis, she takes the phone calls and the mail. Dealing with the bureaucracy, that’s her job as well. And I’ve got to say my wife’s a very resilient character and if somebody messes us around like down at the Council, she’s very much of the pit bull variety, she’ll, she’ll lock her teeth in there and she’ll just start sending one letter after another. And I can’t, won’t and can’t anyway, name the list of people she’s got into trouble down there, through their sheer incompetence. And she’s highlighted their stupidity, which is great. If you can, if you have got a family member, maybe not a wife but brother, sister, mother or father, that can help you, it’s a big help although I do realise there’s a lot of people who aren’t in the same privileged position I am, that are actually single and having to deal with these problems on their own which can be a real nightmare.

*Additional text inserted by the participant

To be honest my family were able to deal with me, even at my worst times, , you know, when they were able to restrain me when I got worse but they didn’t put much strength as a doctor, as I don’t know someone who is, you know, who works in the public service, someone like a police officer when they detain someone and try to restrain them, they put a lot of power down. My parents tended to just hold onto my hands but not put too much pressure on them because every time they did I became more angry so they tended, they knew what, how to restrain me and they made sure that they didn’t worsen my condition when they restrained me. But in hospital they restrain you, they don’t care how you feel, if your condition is worse they’ll hold you down , even if it’s painful you can’t shout and scream and stuff. So I think that being around my parents and my family has really benefited me and I think that most young people should be treated at home and that’s sort of a widespread view that most people hold, most psychiatrists would hold and most professionals would hold. And even like if you go to any hospital, not even a mental health hospital, any hospital if you ask the doctor or the nurse where should a child be, should they be treated on a ward as in should they recover on a ward or should they recover at home. All of them will say they shouldn’t be in hospital they should be at home because, and that’s why in most hospitals you see that they try to release children as quickly as possibly back to their families because they want the children to be at home around their loved ones, they want them to go back to school as well because they know at that stage it’s a very pivotal time for that child, they need to be in school and, you know, they’re going through that stage where they’re doing their GCSEs and it’s quite a difficult time for them anyway.

Here, I would like to say something for the service users’ family and friends. I have a wish. I have been ill for a very long time and the support I received were from my family in Hong Kong. My brother and sister in law supported me psychologically and materially, and for that I am very thankful. They did not treat me like a person with a mental illness. They willfully brought me to surgical clinics and welcomed me stay with them. When I felt particularly sensitive to sound and had to switch the TV off, my family did not mind and would ask their children to turn off the TV and cooperate. My brother would shop and cook for me after he finished work when I couldn’t do so. I wish that the service user’s family would support them morally and give them encouragement. As you do not suffer from a mental illness, it is very difficult to empathize, but you must realize, they do not want to be the way they are. As a family, your support and encouragement can embolden them, make them feel less alone, and perhaps help them recover.

When I look back I feel grateful for my husband to be there because I know and I’ve heard of other people who have been seen by these teams have been treated badly, ignored, horribly. But I think that, because there is racism, well it’s everywhere, but the fact that my husband is white and blue eyes and tall, and strong man, well-spoken, well-educated, by me, being by me he gave a different impression, they listened to me. He also was with me in appointments and so to me the fact that he was white, English, made a difference to the treatment that I received because then when I was on my own then I knew what abuse was [Cries]. That is hard. Why do I have to have someone by my side to be respected? Ignored and humiliated, that’s what I

Okay and then the other thing that I was wondering about was if you have anyone who you would describe as a carer?
Yeah my brother.

Okay and does he do, I mean what sort of things does he do?
He’ll go shopping for me and all that, he does me shopping and goes to the post office for me, when I’m not well enough to go the bank and that he’ll go and get me money for me.

Okay, does he do anything else?
He’ll clean up me house and that, he’s really good. He works full time but he still helps, he’s always there. And the kids, his eldest son is really good, he’s thirteen but he’s like a twenty year old in the head.

Okay and does, I mean does he come with you like if you have to go and see the sort of doctor or psychiatrist?
Psychiatrist yeah.

And what happens then, what’s his role when you go?
He just makes sure I get there, he sits in the waiting room and waits for me to come out, he just sits there so he’ll make sure I get there and that I don’t run off and tell him I’ve been when I haven’t [laughs].

Have there been times, for example when you were sectioned, did he have a relationship then with the psychiatrist?
Yeah, he actually sectioned me once, he actually signed the section forms. Because I was so unwell (on the road) and he said that I needed that so he sectioned me with the doctors.

Right and how, did that affect your relationship at all?
It didn’t, because I didn’t know till afterwards and when he told me he said, ‘I done it for you, because I was caring about you. And I said, ‘I know you did.

Every time I say to somebody, they say, ‘It’s in your, it’s in your brain.
Your’?
They, every time I say to them, ‘I feel tired like’ they say, ‘Oh, it’s all in your, all in your brain.

Oh, I see. So who says, who says that to you?
My mum and my dad, and my, and my sister sometimes.

And how does that make you feel, when they say that?
Feel bad.

In what way?
Feel like, like I’m bad, like I’m hopeless. Why, why I should be tired? I’m not a lazy person. I wasn’t, never been lazy person. I used to be light on my, on my feet. But now it’s my eldest daughter, she does things for me, cooking and everything. And she does a lot. When she was at college I do it but I’ve never been like that. But now I get tired. I do little things, I get tired.
Is it difficult making people understand?
Yes, it’s very difficult.

How do you explain to them then, how you feel?
I never talk to them. I only talk to my sister. She understands me. But I never talk to my mum and dad about this, I have this problem. I think that they’re going to be worried, because my sister, she’s having a very hard life anyway. And they know I’m, I’m strong and I’m, and my life’s going like it is really. And I think that my parents don’t worry about me. I never tell them. I just always hide it.

I feel depressed when I was working in that department, there were 14 people whom I look after. I was for 15 years and after redundancies people were decreasing and in the end I was left with four people. I organise their work and for other departments there was a layout to get material to do this to do that. But for me I had just map and organise everything. I was that much more able at that time but now I even have to get my medication from others, you start feeling like a baby, then I can’t stay alone in the house if I know there is someone else at home, if the wife is at home I want to be where she is at home to talk to her, but she wants to do her own work and if she goes upstairs and I go after her she says can’t you sit on your own, she says you are following her like a child.

So why don’t you want to sit alone?

Alone, as sometimes if I remember something I want to talk about it. It feels as if I talk about it it’s been forgotten or there is something wrong in the house, we have to go somewhere, we have got to get something, to make something, forgot something, whatever it may be then I want to discuss it with her but she wants to be left alone as she wants to do her own things.

How does it make you feel when your wife says this?

She says it strongly then I feel myself that she is taking the depression tablets and she is taking all our load, so even if she says something it doesn’t matter, but in real life she has never spoken loudly, in front of people or in front of children she has always respected me. But, you know, everyone has their own thinking and if you disturb them they jump. Then I didn’t realise I would hide away and cry and feel that she has disrespected me, but I slowly found out that she is taking medication and her complications are, if I need rest then so does she. I now do as much as I can for her, even if she speaks loudly I say I didn’t hear her, we manage this way. This is the way we understand each other, the way of running the house, running children, no-one likes it

You both make allowances and understand each other?

Yes, yes, if we don’t understand then we will both be upset and then there is no-one around to compromise us as our children maybe out and it’s sometimes better to ignore each other.

Ah yes. It’s not just the family. You see when I got this illness I couldn’t fend for myself, and then obviously it turned my siblings, and didn’t understand however much I may tell them, and sometimes get annoyed, some days they would say, ‘Well how do you feel?’ You know, I would tell them.

Then as I take an active part in the church, I went to one of the higher ups in the church, I said, ‘Look my situation is very precarious. Although I’m not that old, can you give me a bed in the home for the aged? Then when I’ve got the depression I can lie there, I’ll get a plate of food, then when I’m back to normal I could help you in the accounts. Even the church turned me down. ‘Sorry can’t help you. So when I thought I couldn’t fend for myself, my family couldn’t help, even when I had some good friends, I thought that they might lend a hand, you know, and then the church said they can’t and I thought, ‘Look what is this?’ So that is the thing which prompted me to do suicide. Commit suicide. Now if somebody would have a lent a hand, a lot of caring then I may not have. But I think this is why a lot of people even ask for euthanasia, because they feel there’s nobody, they might as well go. Yes.

So what do you think, your family’s understanding of your depression is?

Well they said, I must pull myself together. Yes, that is it, you know, that’s all, that’s all, pull yourself together. You know, they all had depression it seems, you know, this is it, you know, and they always tell me, ‘Oh I had depression, this, that and the other. You see. However much I may tell them, even I, once we had a meeting at one of the health centres and I took them all, and explained to them, even the psychiatrist explained to them, but it didn’t go through their head.

Why do you think that is?

Well I think people have got this sort of notion isn’t it. I think in future if someone was diagnosed with a depression you see, they must say [Anton’s] disease. Then it will give a proper name. And they’ll say, ‘Oh no you haven’t got depression you have got [Anton’s] disease,’ and then people will know what it is. Yes. Well I tell you this, you go and speak to people, you just go and tell your friends, ‘Look I am depressed a bit. You will see. You’ll be amazed. And the advice you will get, and you will find so many of them have had.

So auntie, were there no other relatives at the time?

My, was I had everybody here really but what I have to say is when you are ill then no-one wants to know you, understand? In our society, no-one is there for you if are ill. And the English are like, when you are OK, they don’t bother but if you are ill then they help. They give you respect.

Have you got no-one in this country?

I have got everybody here, but I did not get anyone when I needed them

Are you on good terms with your relatives?

No, I do not want to mix with the relatives. I want to be on my own. When I needed them nobody was around. Everybody is good weather friend. If I invite you all now, if I arrange something gorgeous in a park and build a stage and arrange for cakes etc you would come well dressed and even bring a gift. If I have to do this for the relatives as well, then it’s better if I do it with whoever, I didn’t get them when I needed them. When I was ill, my children suffered as if they had no mother. Nobody helped us then. Nobody would comb my kids’ hair or give them a glass of water. So now I can’t be bothered to treat them. I did a lot for them and they abandoned me. I don’t want to give them the same chance again. One has to get stronger through suffering. One can not go out without getting strong. Who made me strong? The two psychology nurses that came, they used to give me courage. If I was sitting down, they would say, Why are you sitting down? Let’s go for a walk. If I said I couldn’t, they would say, We are with you, you can do it. Or if I said I couldn’t go somewhere because I didn’t know English, they would say, Why not? We are with you. One of them was Bengali and the other was English. They would say, Whatever you are stuck with, we are here to help you. It was all right in the olden days. If you were nice to others, they would reciprocate. Now you can be nice but get nothing in return.