Now tell me about breastfeeding. What did the doctor say about breastfeeding?

Breastfeeding is not even an option, no way, because everything it come from me it goes to them. So the best thing to do from start, I have to teach them how to use a bottle so I used to have, one was for three months I used to have a problem, you know, too much milk coming out and I have to, I can’t go out even unless I have to put on plastic, under the plastic I have to put protection otherwise, otherwise I’ll be wet.

Did they give you any medication to stop the milk?

No, no. They didn’t. They didn’t.

Okay.

So they said, hes going to stop by himself.

How did you feel with the breast full of milk and unable to feed the kid?

I don’t feel anything because you know what, one thing is for the protection of my kids and I’m lucky enough, at least I could give them a natural birth, you know, so what else I could ask.

Okay, So breastfeeding wasn’t..

I was aware of it already. When, during pregnancy time I was already, I was already been told. Just completely I have to clear it out from my mind. This is not going to happen, so I knew it. So, if it’s for the protection of my kids, then I want, I just have to feed them milk.

I never feed my kids in front of them because you know why I don’t want all that question. I’ve been through, through, you know all that kind of things. I don’t want someone to remind me and then, and then ask me, Why didn’t you feed them because you breast. And I have to go in to the bedroom. It’s feeding time, I have to go. My bottles ready, my husband he makes a bottle. It’s ready before, you know when people are sitting and playing and talking and then that’s the time, either me or him he has to, so I have to take them in the bedroom and come back, yeah. And when my breast is dry I say to them, No, I have to feed them bottle because I don’t have no milk no more. That’s how I have to give some.

Okay, so people did ask?

Yeah, they ask and then my answer is always just something. I’m not going to give them, you know, why and how.

No it took a while to heal actually. Like, even after when I, with the mastitis, the mastitis last two weeks. The nipples I have to put these, the doctor look at them and say, You might have thrush. So he gave me a cream for thrush. But then in, it was still the blood in the like, you know – it was all, it was all broken, completely broken. I didn’t even, I could see it from above, I just promised myself not to look at it in the mirror because that would make me really freaked out [laughs].

The second time or both times?

Both times, but the first time I didn’t see, the first time I thought I was going to lose my nipple because the nipple was really coming apart of the breast and the second time it was just the skin was just completely broken and it was blood in my shirts like, I was literally dripping blood

So I only recently discovered – I have problems with my tissue. My tissue doesn’t heal as quick as it should. My blood doesn’t flow, I have a circulatory problems and then it affects, as much as it affects my hands it affects my breast tissue which makes it really painful.

I thought that maybe because my English wasn’t good enough, I didn’t understand the instructions. So this time and I went – and that time it didn’t work at all. It was painful. It was horrible. And I asked for help, I’ve, I was – I felt I was bullied into you must breastfeed even when you are, I was in agony. I was just having the worst time of my life

and their target was that I was a mum that must, mum must breastfeed, no matter what. Her nipples were bleeding, it doesn’t matter. She was in pain? It doesn’t matter. She was almost getting post-natal depression from all the stress? It doesn’t matter. She must breastfeed. And that’s what, what I felt like it was really terrible. In, in fact I got, they got like, they were turning up at my house, they were calling me, like every so often to check that I was breastfeeding. Then, the last thing it was, the last straw was that they make me pay to a woman to come and give me a personal lesson in breastfeeding.

So I was just like and then and my husband at that time, he stepped up and then he, he basically kicked them out and said, and sat with me and said, What are you doing? You should stop, this is not good for you. And then it was lucky when the midwife hand me over to the health visitor, one of the health visitor was really still like pushing me, pushing me, You must breastfeed, you must breastfeed, you must breastfeed. But then the second health visitor came to me and say, Listen, the most important thing is a mummy’s OK. If the mum is not OK, how are you going to look after your baby? So don’t worry, my children grew up in, on formula, OK? And, don’t tell anyone I said it, I said so. And then it was all, OK so she makes me feel better.

This time I kind of like worked it out with a different strategy. So I gave the chance to myself, I really want, I really, really wanted to breastfeed it was in my birth plan and everything. And then I went into the workshop again. This time I understood everything. I understood the theory. I watched videos. I read books. I talked to people. I practiced with dollies. I did everything possible. So by the time he was born my birth was a bit complicated. So I ended up having what I think was too much epidural so my breasts were numb for a good 24 to 40 hours.

After the birth?

After the birth. So I was breastfeeding fine no problem. He was having no troubles at all. I, he was latching perfectly. Everything was fine. As soon as I came back from hospital the painkillers started wearing, wearing off. Then every time I have to breastfeed him even when he was latched properly, it was just like – I just talk to myself and I say, Sharp pain. So I started doing breathing and I was like ok it might go. I started talking to people and they kept telling me, No it will be, it will go, it will, it will go away. I showed people the – well like a friend, I had a friend who’s a doula and she was [hush] helping me with the breastfeeding.

So she was telling me, Hes latching properly. And I said, Yes but the pain is getting unbearable. And after ten days like my breasts were completely raw, bleeding and swollen. And every time he cried I was, I was really tense. My hands sweat. And I was trying, I was getting angry at people every time he wake, I felt that they weren’t, you know because he wanted to be fed. And I just – I was terrified

I had everything I could possibly have, I had nipple cream, I had the training, I watched the video, I read the books, I have a doula with me, a friend, a friend I could trust. I have, I even bought nipple shields and I used everything I could, I did everything I could possibly do. But then I was still obsessed with the, I’ve got to do it, this, my boobies are not going to win, I’m going to win, I’m going to be able

I was using nipple shields, made of silicon – well, I used them a week after, after seven days just to give it a try because my, at the beginning, my aim was to be able to get him to latch and then I managed to get him to latch properly and then tried different, different position, the rugby ball, the front facing, sideways, every position possible until I found the one, the one that suitable for me that was the rugby ball. But then, I noticed that, that no matter what, how many massages I did, I gave to my breasts they were so sore. My nipples start, start cracking even when I, my, when I was continually keeping them with nipple cream, like Lanolin cream. I then, I noticed that they start bleeding and they would not stop bleeding the milk was, I tried to press the milk just to carry it, be, to carry on giving him milk [sighs] and the milk looked like strawberry milkshake, there was so much blood in that, I wasn’t able to give him that neither. Then I try to just use the breast that was less damaged for a while and tried to let the other one heal It, it seemed I was never, ever healing. And then it was that, that feeling of the fire, they were on fire, it was horrible. He felt like, every time they were out, I put him near my breast he felt like he was like a little shark or like a piranha [laughs] like just biting your breast, it was just oh. It was agony, agony, completely agony.

And during this time you were trying to do everything on your own? Trying to, trying to cope with this on your own. You didn’t want the health visitor or the midwife involved?

Yeah, no, I try, I was just like I got my friend, the wonderful doula to come and look at me. As soon as she came, Oh yeah you’re latching fine, that’s the right way, that’s the right position. I just went, OK, and I didn’t tell her, I didn’t seek her help anymore. I didn’t tell the midwife when they came, I just say yeah, You’re breastfeeding? Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. And I was just like hoping that, that he wouldn’t cry for a feed while she was there in my house. Then I just was trying to cope on my own, I didn’t, my partner wasn’t, he noticed, because he knows me, he noticed my change every time I have to do the breastfeeding and then, and then he start noticing that I was getting sadder and sadder, and sadder, and then, until, until I got to a point that every time I was breastfeeding he knew I was crying. He said, You can’t carry on like that. This is, this is not right. This is not right. Just stop it please. Off he went, got the formula, got the bottles, made the bottle, and then he just went, It’s fine, and then you could, you will be able to sleep at night. Come on. And then he made it look like it was great, but to me it was just, I was devastated. I felt like, really like the end of the world like oh, like I failed, like a failure.

So because of my past experience I decided not to tell too much to the mid, to the health visitor or the midwife because I didn’t want to feel any of that pressure I had before, that I felt bullied into You must breastfeed, it’s the best for your child. Because when they tell that, I felt like well I felt like – first I wasn’t doing good enough. I wasn’t doing the best for my child. I was – I didn’t feel like a good mother. I felt like a good bad mother instead. And I felt useless because I wasn’t able to breastfeed. So this time I tried to avoid that so I didn’t tell much to the midwife. But when I went to weight him on the- I think it was in – the last time I saw the midwife I mentioned to her that, Oh no I stopped breastfeeding. And she sort of mentioned, Are you sure, why don’t you pump it? Are you sure you don’t want to? And I felt like oh here we go, here we go, here we go and I avoided the subject completely because I, I just felt like I can’t.

I was in this place and he comes along and he said, Hi, how are you? And I said, Oh, yeah, look, I have my baby. And he say, Oh very good. And then he looks at my hands and then he said, Did you, were you able to breastfeed? Like that. And I said, Hm, hm, no, not really, I had problems, it was really painful. He say, Hmm, so during the winter your hands get really cold and painful? And I said, Yeah, yeah, my fingers, I can’t move them and they get really purple. He was like, Hmm. That’s called Raynaud’s. And I say, OK. And yeah, it’s a circulatory problem – and it affects the tissue. And what happens is the blocked vessels don’t get enough blood and that causes pain. And that also happens, may happens, may be the reason why your breastfeeding was so painful to you. And it’s actually, he, the, it’s very, very painful. And I said, and he said, Unfortunately, it’s, it’s something that’s not been researched enough and not many people know and it would be wonderful if GPs knew more about it because there is some medicine that they can prescribe that you can, you can take while you’re breastfeeding that will help your circulatory issues and then it will make the experience more – less painful or bearable. Because my, and I could see the benefits completely because as much as there is people out there that choose not to breastfeed – my choice was to breastfeed but I was physically unable to do it.

And then I think it will be really, really helpful if future generations or, or the next generations of mums that go, who are suffering from the same as I do, can benefit from these information, or if the GPs know more about it. And then when a woman goes to see them they can say what it is, or if the midwives, the midwife are aware of these and they can help the mum if the choice, if the mum chooses to breastfeed.