Even when I knew I was having the trachelectomy when I was offered that, I was still very focused on whether I would be able then to go on and have a child. And at one point I really didn’t want to have anything done. I didn’t want the trachelectomy, I didn’t want radiotherapy and I didn’t want a hysterectomy. And I spoke to one of the nurses, the support nurse, the oncology nurse and she was quite blunt with me, she really sort of said ‘Well you have to have something done, if you don’t you will, you will go on to have secondary cancer and you will die in a couple of years.

And that was good because she was very blunt and it made me think I have to really, this isn’t something that’s just going to go away and I might become pregnant and I can have a pregnancy and then sort out the cancer. And she, it was really quite good for me for somebody just to be quite direct with me. Because I really, I just wouldn’t see sense. I was so focused on that I was going to have my fertility treatment and have a child and then sort out the cancer.

I mean initially as I say I found it very hard but it was really, that is really hard because I found it hard as a woman that that was gonna be all taken away from me. Plus the fact that I was gonna have a child which made it even worse as well. But I found that there wasn’t really many people in family and friends that I could talk to about it because they were all saying ‘[patient’s name] you shouldn’t even be thinking about that, you had cancer and its got to be taken away. You know its your health and everything and you’ve got to get it all you know, put it in perspective. And I’m saying ‘Well yeah I appreciate that but I’ve got this other upset as well that I can’t have kids anymore. And other people couldn’t, certainly couldn’t appreciate what I felt and so it did take me a while.

I think it’s been the fertility side that I think has been the hardest thing since. I think because hopefully, I’ve not completely stopped worrying about my health, but I do feel that it is over and done with as far as I can tell. So it’s been harder sort of not knowing that I can’t complete my family, the sort of image of the family that I wanted. I wanted two children. And so that’s been the toughest part. And going back and reading my notes and I remember saying quite clearly it wasn’t an issue at the time. And it wasn’t an issue for me but I think 5 years on it is an issue for me.

And how do you cope with those types of feelings, how do you find ways to cope?

I suppose that ever since I’ve had the illness because wed just moved house I focused on my daughter very much and just on having things to enjoy. I’ve made sure I’ve you know treated myself to holidays and I’ve done all sorts of things that I know I wouldn’t have done otherwise. Then two years on we decided to move house again and it was the Friday before she started school on the Monday, so very, very good timing because I was aware that there was going to be a void. And I guess that void will come again in September when I’ve finished the house and I know I want to move on and do something else and it’s making sure that I focus on another project to give me that satisfaction that I can’t get from having another child. I guess that’s probably the way I’ve looked at it.

All I’d been aware of that time and since is that I am the youngest person in there, in the cancer group, because this guy only deals with cancer so whoever signs up to see him at the desk that’s what they’re there with or have had. And they’re all older and certainly elderly, I have never seen anyone my age and that breaks my heart because its held in the gynaecology department so at the same time as this cancer clinic’s going on there are three other consultants holding their pregnancy clinics. And I’m sitting there and all the girls my age have all got big bumps or their new pregnancy pack, and their boyfriends there and sometimes the mum and sometimes they’ve got pictures of scans and I sat there and it broke my heart. Even this time two, two days ago I just think I should be you, I should be the other one

In the beginning I just wanted to survive, so I’d say for the first six months it was just survival and getting through the cancer. I think once I went back to work suddenly reality hit me and I decided I wanted a baby because I knew I couldn’t and I think that’s probably a natural feeling. So I did look into adoption and we got papers, me and my husband to talk about it. But the papers laid on the side for a while and we never discussed it and I think it wasn’t really what we wanted, it was just a need that we had to go through. And then I was advised that I possibly wouldn’t be allowed to adopt for five years anyway until I had the all clear so we kind of dropped the whole procedure, we didn’t even go very far down the line. On a couple of occasions I did say to my doctor whether I could have IVF and he did write to the clinic and they came back and said it had never been done before but they were prepared to try it but I would have to be given lots of hormones to bring on this. And we decided again it wasn’t what we wanted and I didn’t want to go through a possible illness because of this and then disappointment at the end.

So I think once I knew that definitely I think it, it isn’t an issue for me anymore, it’s something I’ve coped with over the years. I do feel I’m lucky to be here and that I wasn’t meant to have a baby anyway. And I’ve got so many nieces and nephews and godchildren that I haven’t got a problem with children. I remember a counsellor came to see me when I was in hospital once and she said to me ‘Whatever you do, do not feel bitter about other peoples children because it will destroy you. And she said if you feel that way buy a dog so I don’t feel it’s an issue for me anymore to be honest, its something I’ve coped with over the years I think.

It was quite tough actually and he didn’t know obviously beforehand although I knew him years ago he didn’t know what I’d been through. It was something I wanted to discuss quite early in the relationship because I didn’t want to get involved with somebody if two years down the line they decided they wanted children. So it was something that we did discuss quite early on and I wanted him to really go away and think about it before we continued. Because I couldn’t have coped with someone rejecting me again because of my fertility. And I wanted someone this time to love me for me and to be with me because it was the person not how I’d changed inside. You know because obviously inside I’m very different to probably another woman. And we discussed it, we talked about it, he went away and thought about the children scenario and it really hasn’t been a problem. He came back and said it wasn’t an issue, he didn’t particularly want children anyway and he didn’t feel there was anything physically different to me, to any other woman. And that’s what I needed to hear really. I needed for someone to be really positive and on my side. Now it’s not a problem at all but initially I think the problem was within my own head because I didn’t, I thought I’d be rejected for things they couldn’t see.

Fertility, weve been to see specialists who have done some tests and said yes my ovaries are functioning so I can go through the IVF. It’s difficult because I don’t have a normal womb, I’d have to have a laparoscopy to remove the eggs so it starts getting difficult. Theres also a worry about giving me the drugs that will stimulate the ovaries because if I’m producing very big painful cysts anyway, you can get a dangerous hyper-stimulation, its a condition with IVF, which might not be very good for me in particular. My boyfriends all for going for surrogacy with me purely because he knows it would make me so happy. Hed love to do it but he says he can live with it if he doesn’t, whereas me, if someone tells me ‘No you can’t do this,’ I don’t now what I would do. I am trying, its very difficult, in fact I tried on Friday, I’ve been given a long list of clinics that have said they do, do surrogacy and IVF and when I phone them up they all claim they don’t. The only one I can find at the moment is up on Harley Street.But that means going every day to have injections and have follicle scans and that’s a long way and it’s a lot of money on top of paying for IVF and also surrogacy.

There is a charity which provides surrogate mothers called Cots. They’re not allowed to make any profit from it but you pay their expenses. But again they are very hard to get hold of. They’re only open between ten and twelve each day to speak to and the other practicalities are that weve got to be married. So although we were going to get married before it all got stopped and put on hold twice because of my hospital stays. And now I’d sort of decided I don’t need to get married now, I love him enough and that’s the be all and end all. But according to this surrogacy most clinics do say you have got to be married. So weve now got to get married as well as find the money for surrogacy.