And when the doctors and midwives were discussing your care and what was happening next, did you feel included in the conversations?

Not really. I’m just trying to think; when I was in hospital not really; it was sort of they were talking to themselves. It was like, “Right, this needs to happen in order for this and if this doesn’st happen then we’ll be doing this.” Although I wasn’st really included in the care they were friendly; they were talking to me; they were talking like acknowledged me but I didn’st really get much say, apart from the catheter thing; I didn’st really get much say. It was like, “Right you this needs to happen.” But then, looking back on it I was so ill I probably would have just agreed with everything they said anyway.

I think it was fine in terms of the information that we were given. I think the thing that really struck me was that a lot of people didn’st tell you who they were, or what they did. Like I’sve always felt for myself, I always make sure I do that for patients, because I just know when you’sve got really, like I deal with people with chronic illnesses, but when you’sre dealing with so many health professionals, they all meld into each other, and you’sve no idea who anyone is. And to be honest that’s what would have happened, even if these people had told me their names, I wouldn’st have remembered them. But it just would have been nice at the time if the information that you had been given you knew kind of where it was coming from, who, why this person was telling you this. So that was one thing that sort of frustrated me a bit. Well what’s your name? What do you do? Why are you standing in my bedroom? You know, so that would have been. That would have made me feel more comfortable. But as I say probably in the long run, it made no difference, because I wouldn’st have remembered who they were.

And I just started to prepare myself for being in for a long, long time. But obviously as the hours went on and I kept having these really serious spikes of blood high blood pressure, and there started to become more talk of, you know, every day that you can go, before you have to deliver is, is good, and I started to kind of have the realisation that, you know, it was, we were going to have the baby sooner rather than later. I suppose I started to, I think I was in denial for a while, because they said to us on the Saturday, Would you like to see a paediatrician to come and explain to you about what will happen if your baby’s born at 29 weeks and I said, Oh, no, no, no. Because I just, I think I just assumed that I would, my blood pressure would go down, they’sd be quite happy for me to go up onto the ward and it would still be a few weeks until I had the baby. And then when I had the second major spike in blood pressure and they asked again and I thought, actually, yes, I suppose we’sd better speak to someone to because I’sd rather know than be caught unawares. But again, you know, even when they, even at the point where my consultant decided it was time to deliver, even sort of fifteen minutes before then, and all the talk was that I was going to go up onto the ward and so when she sort of said to me, You know, we’sre going to have to deliver the baby. It still felt like quite a shock. Because I thought, you know, I just had it in my head that everything would be fine. But actually when I saw, when I saw the monitor and it said 205/110, I thought, yes, this isn’st good. This is really bad. So yes, it was really kind of mixed, mixed emotions, because you know, I was trying to get myself mentally prepared for a long stay in hospital. And then I was sort of thinking well what will happen if the baby’s born early and what will that be like and I just never entertained the idea that I wouldn’st have just a normal pregnancy and that I wouldn’st, I didn’st even know anything about premature babies.

The CTG (Cardiotocography), for it seemed like hours and hours and hours, and there were some very drastic decelerations, and I’d have doctors come and go and come and go and come and go, and say you know, “We may have to deliver,” and ah I’m trying to think of the actual process because this was all going on from about eight or nine at night till, you know till the early hours of the next morning. So there was some were saying it was OK and others were saying, “Well we’re going to have to deliver.” But and then was an issue of the fact that there was nothere were no operating theatres available you know, so I was kind I felt that it really did feel that night that we were up against it. And I had a Doppler scan and there was a real clear sound of the dip in the heartbeat going much, much slower, and so I’d also only just, a few hours beforehand, had the injection for thinning my blood, so they said, “Well we can’t do anything until, you know until you get over that anyway; until your blood starts to thicken up again.” So, anyway this all went on for, you know most of the night until about four in the morning where they rushed me, or I rushed, I ran, to a into an operating theatre and he was yeah he was delivered in about four minutes.

And I was adamant she well I didn’st know what I was having, but I was adamant she wasn’st coming out because I knew they weren’t good risks. When I was taken back to the ward when I was still in the room of four, the hospital in [City], the paediatrician comes to see you and they take you into intensive care and they show you the room.

And Imogen’s little incubator was sitting it was a giraffe, it was empty and it was sitting, just waiting on her, and I think that’s when it really hit me, I’m really ill. ThisI’m not going full term with this baby.

I’m kidding myself that I am because I was in denial you know, I feel fine. But then I was like, ‘This baby’s coming early and this baby’s going to be tiny,’ and I’d seen the size of the incubator and I thought, ‘Oh, oh my goodness she’s she is going to be tiny,’ you know and it was quite frightening.

But they show you, and there was no tiny babies in the ward at the time, but they have different stages you know they’sve got an intensive care and then a high dependency and a family kind environment, the room that’s next down, and then they’sve got individual rooms and then they’sve got they have got a family room where you can go and see where baby in preparation for coming home. And they went through it all with me and a lot of it I didn’st take in because I was I was very much in shock. And I was under the impression that babies born at 24 over 24 weeks they can live can’t they, and they’re like, “Yeah, but there is a lot of complications and a lot of them don’st.” And I think the media, because you see so many success stories, you think everyone’s a success and actually, no they’re not.

And I didn’st know that, I was kind of kidding myself that she was going to be just fine.

I know my case was unusual. The fact that a doctor, or any medical professional I’m saying doctor but any medical professional can actually say, “Stop, we don’st know what’s happening, but let me discuss it with one of my colleagues who might know something,” because every doctor has their own experiences especially when they’sve been involved in numerous patient care, different hospitals.

Even just reading different journals there might have been something that just clicked and they said, “Oh, what about this,” or a different treatment or, you know a different option. So, for me that was reassuring. I was in a huge teaching hospital, and it was nice to know that that still is the case that, you know even though they might have qualified 20 years ago, they are still able to say, “Stop, we’re not sure, we need advice.”

I think they could have explained to me what was happening. The problem was, I felt they weren’st forthcoming with what was wrong and they weren’st, they didn’st, they might have diagnosed what was the problem, but they never told me. It was my body. It was happening to me. I should have known. They should have advised me of what was happening to me but they didn’st tell me and I felt the communication was lacking, with I felt they were a bit indifferent as well from their attitude. It was their attitude that troubled me the most. It was not the fact that they didn’st tell me, it was the attitude, very dismissive, very indifferent, Oh we’sve seen it all before. But I hadn’st seen it all before. Surely we are individuals. We are not, I felt like I was, it was like a conveyor belt.

What could they have done differently?

A bit more, empathy is missing I think. That’s missing. There’s no empathy and there’s no frankness. I’sd rather someone be frank with me as to what is happening and honest, that was missing. I felt like they weren’st being honest because if they were, they would tell you exactly what was happening. And you could decide. Other things they could have changed was allowing you to take part in the decisions. Answer the questions you ask and see the same doctor. You see a different doctor every morning, thinking, and who are you? And it got to the point where I had to repeat the same message that I told them yesterday, to the new one, to the new one, to the new one, you feel like you are repeating yourself, when they should have known how long, how many weeks that I was there. Is she, everybody should be singing from the same book and the same hymn sheet, you know. When you tell them, Well, It should be surely in the notes. Oh, it’s not here but could you tell me anyway. I wasn’st here yesterday. So forget about that doctor, you tell me now. And who are you? I’m the new registrar. Well, I don’st feel inclined to actually repeat myself again and someone who’s very, very I’m into detail. I was really disappointed I can see where the errors happen because a lot of the medical notes were missing, well nobody bothered to put the notes in or write it down and I found that really frustrating because I kept watch.

So that was on the 16th of February, when I went in to have my normal check. By the 26th, we’sre talking about having, delivering the baby early because they didn’st like what was happening to my body. And then, the worst thing was, I was hearing from the young doctors and I didn’st see that female consultant ever again. That annoyed me a little bit because I felt I wasn’st I wasn’st important enough for her to come round again ever since that first visitation, that was it and I felt very annoyed. So on the 26th, I remember a young female doctor that came in to see me. I was not particularly nice to her. I said, I want to see that consultant. Why is she not here, especially when she told me that we needed to deliver the baby early? So I demanded to see the consultant and it wasn’st it wasn’st until the 27th, morning of the 27th, she came to see me and I said to her, I want to hear it from you, what do you, is the best option? And she said, The way you are, yes, we need to have this baby delivered and options are either caesarean or we’sll induce you but we prefer the caesarean. And I said, because of the hidden, I’sve heard about people having caesarean and always people that I know of, like relatives and they’sve never had a good experience with it.

So, when I told my mum, she advised me against it and she said, Go for natural birth. They’sre there, the medical experts to help you and you, they wouldn’st give you those two options if they weren’st safe for the baby to be delivered naturally. So I said, I’sd rather to have a natural birth. So they said, Okay. We’sll wait until the 35th week.