I essentially had to over haul my entire life because everything that I was doing was bringing me down, all of it was negative, there wasn’t you know very little in my life that wasn’t contributing to my depression. You know and it, when you’re in it you don’t think that way, for me anyway, I never thought, I’m doing this you know to myself but really so many of my choices were keeping me there. I was not you know maybe it started some people say it’s genetic some people say it’s hormones, I don’t know but my, my life choices were making it harder for me, you know it was just making it worse. The over haul of my life, it was certainly very hard there were moments where my depression felt worse. It felt like am I doing the right thing it was, my moments of self-doubt were very low, you know I felt, I felt like I must certainly be doing the wrong thing I must you know, I’m crazy for doing this for deciding to change my whole life in a month you know deciding to think I was ever going to get away from it. I thought there was a period of time when I said to myself no matter what I do I’m always going to feel like this, and that was a very low feeling thinking that. But I did start to feel better I kept on it and I did start to feel better

I grew up as a roman catholic I had when I was younger a very ingrained idea of sin. I do think that I no, I no longer practice anymore I don’t have any religious association, but when I was younger I very much used to guilt myself about oh my gosh you yelled at your sister you did this terrible sin, I have to go confess, you know it, it very much, I don’t know if it necessarily contributed to anything but I do think that the overall feeling of guilt leads to negative self-worth. It makes you feel like you aren’t doing well enough that you’re doing something wrong.

the diets of people I think are a very big trigger, eating tons of fast food, eating tons of processed food, preservatives, I mean god knows what. But again we don’t really know where a lot of our food source comes from I notice an absolute difference when I, I’m vegetarian so I’m eating mostly fruits and vegetables you know I eat some grains but to have fresh food I very rarely eat processed food at all you know even cereals I barely eat you know. So fresh fruit and vegetables it makes an overwhelming difference it really does to eat to have something that is, makes your body feel clean, it makes your minds feel clean and that’s why I continue it, when my body feels clean my mind feels clean. I feel a clarity that I really do link to eating crappy food, I do. I, in high school I mean I wasn’t cooking because you know what teenager cooks for themselves but I was eating a lot of fast food and I really do think that it weighed my body down in a way not that I like gained any significant weight or anything but it made me feel sluggish I didn’t have any energy which again linked into feeling bad you know, in general. Also like high sugar diets.

Also, I’m very much a list person, it helps keep me organized, it helps make, it makes me feel proactive that I am that I am attempting to at least, at least attempting, to organize myself to keep myself on point and that has helped with . It has helped with my depression in the way that it makes me feel like I am taking steps to control it I guess, to control my situation, I’m very much when I have like a lack of control I notice it’s a trigger. I feel like things are out of my hands, I get overwhelmed, suddenly it’s giving me thoughts of I can’t do this, you know, I, I’m not ready for this, I’m not equipped to do this, I can’t do this. , so take, making the list, it really kind of paces myself the way I need to be that gives me thoughts of I’m getting this done, I’m doing it at my own pace, you know I’m not going to forget to do anything because I have this list and I can check it off as a I go

I need to realize that ok some things are going to have to go until tomorrow. You know just very more of an acceptance, you know, that you can’t do everything has helped me cope a lot, to, just, you know, understand that some things are physically impossible [Name] you know, that you can’t physically do everything. And again with the affirmations I’ll just tell myself ok some of it’s going to have to wait until tomorrow I just can’t do it today, you know and I just need to accept that. And I think that practice really has helped with that, even things like scheduling wise; I know that I can only schedule up to three things in one day and after that I’m just asking, for myself to, to trigger, to be unhappy, to be stressing myself out but I think that takes time for everyone to learn their own personal limit.

I mean I know that not everybody can have a partner at the time when they need it you know it doesn’t just happen that way but to have anybody, a friend, a parent, anybody that can just remind you to just take a deep breath you know give yourself a break cut yourself some slack, I think that’s been one, a very big thing in helping me realize, ok just let me just take a step back here and before I get myself all worked up before I’m beating myself up, let me just remember that you know everybody has made a mistake at some point.

I continue to take my medication, you know the medication did take about a month to get in your system and after that I was, I felt amazing, I was like I cannot believe that this is how I was supposed to feel my entire life but I’ve never felt this way before, I’ve never felt like that cloud wasn’t hanging over me anymore and I finally felt that I was like this is, I was overjoyed.

It wasn’t until, it wasn’t until my daughter started witnessing and commenting on things, you know why are you crying, why does daddy say those things to you, why aren’t you happy? I said alright this is enough, because I’m not going to let you know the same catalyst that when I was pregnant I wanted to change I wanted to be there for her, was the same thing that pushed me more recently. Because I wasn’t going to let her think this was normal, I wasn’t going to let her think that this is how she should be, that this is what her life should be when she grows up. And I started, I went back to counseling I left her father, you know I moved back in with my parents and I made some significant changes to my lifestyle.

The overwhelming feeling that happens when I realize that I have x amount of things I need to get done and only y amount of hours it very much, it does, it really lowers my mood, I start to feel very anxious. That’s a big thing, I get very anxious just knowing that I have so much I need to get done. You know I need this much for bills and I can only work this many hours, you know I need to get ABC done and I only have this one hour to do it in, you know, time management has been super key. I mean, when you’re raising a child in general I’m sure that’s coming into play, to being a student and working and raising a child I think that that stress in general probably contributed to my depression like when I was a new mom, now I have had time to adjust to it. I know the ups and downs.

I think that the structure of school actually helps me, I personally have a personality that likes structure. I look for it. I look for routine. So that not only that but I very much, I like to be intellectually stimulated, I want to learn new things, I it actually genuinely brings me joy to learn about something that I don’t know about, not all classes are interesting but I do think that it has helped me, it’s given me something to focus on. It’s given me what did, what did my counselor say clear obtainable goals, you know that I will feel great about when I achieve and everyone needs something to work towards.

It really was not good to have two people who were struggling with the very, the same issues the very you know dark, depressing issues, it was not a good thing to have two people together that way. And once I made an effort that I didn’t want that for my life anymore it became even more apparent how dark and deep his own issues were so the contrast of that really pushed me forward, it pushed me into positivity, I could see from a more unbiased standpoint his actions and I said I don’t want to be anything like that, you know I see now how I’ve been treating people I see now how negative I’ve been, how much this does affect me, it does affect my happiness, it does affect my family members.

My depression has affected my relationships with other members of my family for sure. My specifically my mother and my sister because there are periods of time especially in high school when I was using drugs that my mood swings were all over the place, it was very unpredictable and I’m pretty sure I was actually probably nasty. I was just very, I was angry, I was mean, I couldn’t see anyone else’s point of view, I was probably very selfish. So I am sure that my depression and mental instability, contributed to that and I’m sure that them not knowing really what was going on, you know I’m sure they blame me for that. Our relationship has severely deteriorated over the years my sister and I don’t speak what-so-ever anymore.

My mom and I do still speak but I think there’s a lot of grudge there. You know I don’t know if we’ll ever truly forgive each other for you know things that were said, you know. And I do think that that boils down to the fact that I was miserable and I wasn’t getting help and I didn’t really know what was going on.

My partner emotionally, mentally abused me and I would feel low and I just stayed because I felt so low, I felt I couldn’t possibly do this you know on my own I couldn’t have my daughter on my own. It wasn’t until, it wasn’t until my daughter started witnessing and commenting on things, you know why are you crying, why does daddy say those things to you, why aren’t you happy? that I said alright this is enough.

Ok I think that I have felt different than a lot of my peers for almost as long as I can remember. Even in young childhood everyone was very happy and go lucky and I had this, not that I didn’t have moments of happiness but I always had this gnawing, underlying sense of sadness. there was I always had these very deep darker thoughts and when I would ask you know friends that were my age whether they had ever thought about that, the thought you know had never crossed their mind. And I found that so odd, why do I feel this way when nobody else does, nobody else has ever even had the concept of that before

I have overall made a great effort to hide any sadness that I have been experiencing. You know childhood and innocence is just so fleeting. I’m so happy to see her happy all the time that I would never want to, you know, dull that. You know she should be care free, she should be just, you know bright, with excitement for everything, I, I never want her to be negatively influenced by what I am going through. So I’ve always you know waited to cry until she was going to go to bed or you know went to the bathroom for a minute to regain my composure you know asked, any, anything that I could do so that she would not witness that.