I had a friend who was depressed and she was taking medications and she was like, Maybe you should talk to somebody. She recommended I talk to somebody myself and I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to be on medication, I didn’t want to talk to anybody, I didn’t want to think there was anything wrong. Because growing up, my mom didn’t want to think anything was wrong, so I figured maybe there’s nothing wrong, maybe you know. But no, there was, and realizing it was definitely rough, but I got through that and I am now dealing with it. And medication does help, it just wasn’t the right medication so I didn’t want to take that medication, but if you find the right medication it does work.

Because I was on a lot of different medications before I found the right one and it took a long time to find the right one, but when I did, it helps so much. Like, it really does.

How did you know the medications were wrong when they were wrong?

I just didn’t feel like myself and I didn’t like the way I was feeling. So I wasn’t, I wouldn’t take it. I stopped taking it after like 6 months, 7 months because I, that’s I’m not acting like myself. I’m not going to take something that makes me not me. And the doctor was like, Oh we tried so many different medications, something has to work. And that, she didn’t give up. Which is, was good because some doctors will just give up be like, If you can’t take this, this is all you can take now.

I was like, Oh great, another medication that’s not working, And the doctor’s like, Well this is a really high dose for you, so let’s lower your dose. So they cut my dose in half and it ended up being the perfect amount. So I was almost about to give up on it, but she was like, Please don’t, please don’t, because this medication works differently the way it works. She was like, We started you at a high dose, so let’s cut it down and see how it goes. And I did, I listened to her, which I didn’t listen the last time [laughter].

But I did this time and it was the right medication. It worked. Half the dose worked. So, I guess the dosing helps. Like, too high of a dose could be not affecting me the right way too.

Right.

Which I didn’t try with other medications, I just stopped taking them.

Yeah.

So I gave this a try with the dose.

.the journaling was a big thing. Because I would my mind is constantly going like, What am I going to wear, am I going to look ok, is the weather, is it going to rain or are my shoes going to get wet, Like you don’t need to worry about all that stuff and then on top of that, Is my grandma ok, is my sister ok, is, what am I going to do today, It’s just all at once. So I can just sit down and just write about what’s going through my head even if it’s just, I want a cup of coffee. It’s not, it’s floating in my head and I’m not talking about it if I don’t have somebody to talk to I can just write it down then it’s not in my head anymore and I can move on.

The journaling is the best that is the best suggestion I ever got from my therapist. And it’s even, if you don’t have somebody to talk to right then, you can just write down your thoughts and it helps. So I think that’s a big thing because not many people realize that they can just write down what you’re thinking and just move on from there. And then you can even save it and realize like, Oh, I got through that day. That was a really hard day. I got through that day though, so I get through this. It’s no problem.

Yeah, it’s I think it’s my body image, honestly.
Because it was, when I was so young and I was like, not worried about my weight at 12 years old or what I looked like, I was coming home with honor roll certificates and worried about school, what I wanted to do. And at 12 years old being slammed with that was like, I should be, I should be skinny. I shouldn’t be fat. The boys don’t like fat girls. And so throughout my whole childhood and even, especially teenage years I was like stressed out about what I looked like. I was like afraid of what people thought of me, like, even still like if somebody’s staring at me I have a problem with that because like, Are they judging me? That’s the biggest thing for me and then my mind starts to wonder from there. Like, What are they thinking? Do they think I’m this? Do they think I’m that? And no, they’re probably not thinking anything of me or even looking at me [laughter], but in my head that’s what it is and it’s, I think it’s males that bother me the most about it.

Between that and the medication, the journaling was a big thing. Because I would my mind is constantly going like, What am I going to wear, what am I, am I going to look ok? Is the weather, is it going to rain or are my shoes going to get wet? Like you don’t need to worry about all that stuff and then on top of that, Is my grandma ok, is my sister ok, is? What am I going to do today? It’s just all at once. So I can just sit down and just write about what’s going through my head even if it’s just, I want a cup of coffee. It’s not, it’s floating in my head and I’m not talking about it, if I don’t have somebody to talk to, I can just write it down and then it’s not in my head anymore and I can move on.

My grandmother was and she encouraged me a lot to go get help. She didn’t think, she’s like, old, really, not really old ,but she’s not used to seeing a therapist and go do this and she didn’t bring her kids to do all that kind of stuff. She was new to it, but she listened to what I had to say. She didn’t understand what I was going through, but she was there to support me and that was, that was a big help. My grandmother was a really big help with all of my depression, especially my postpartum depression with my daughter. She was, without her I don’t know where I would be.