Casey

Casey’s depression began in high school. It continues to be an issue in a cyclical way. College was a supportive environment where he began coming out as transgender. Therapy, friends and a supportive family have been helpful. He tried but discontinued medication.

Casey grew up in a rural environment on the East coast. His first experience with depression was at age 15. A particular moment when he was unable to complete a school exam stands out for him as the dividing line between thinking he was just having usual feelings of eh, high school suck and realizing something was not right in a major way With the support of his parents, he soon began therapy — a step that felt normal since Casey’s father is himself a therapist. Casey’s therapist offered him medication, but he didn’t take it because at that age it felt to him like doing so would be conceding he could not heal on his ow and would somehow be cheating the system of life

Depression was part of Casey’s life in cycles — sometimes much better, sometimes worse — for the rest of high school and through his years at college. Because high school was really not working Casey and his parents agreed on a plan for him to graduate a year early. At college, where there was significant dialogue and openness about mental health issues, things got somewhat better. Casey also began understanding himself as gender queer once he was away at school, and later began a public gender transition. He hopes this transition will make his depression better, but is not yet sure what impact it will have.

As he grew into adulthood, Casey became increasingly aware of things that seem to make his depression better or worse. Having supportive friends around is a major thumbs up Therapy is also useful, as is being in urban settings where it is easier to break through depression-related isolation and get out to the store or into a social environment. Being far from social supports, or in places where there is less diversity and acceptance, can be a trigger for depression. The same is true for going home to the rural house he grew up in, despite the close relationship he maintains with his parents.

As a young adult Casey tried medication, but found it made him feel zoned out He lives with a roommate in a large city where it is easy to get out and walk, is looking for full-time work, and plans to go to graduate school. He has an avid interest in film making and in capturing people’s stories for good public uses. He has many periods of feeling fine or even spectacular and others more overshadowed by mild depression. He wants other young adults with depression to know that people everywhere are having similar experiences, and also that friends and support groups can be really super system — sometimes for talking about problems, and sometimes just to say hey friend, pizza today He wishes he had been less resistant to medication when he was younger, and wonders if it might have helped has he tried it.

Casey would like to know if he will keep experiencing depression, but figures he had better be prepared either way.

Age at interview 22

Gender Male

Age at diagnosis 15

When will it end? Will it end? Can it please end? Really, really I would want to know if their and my guess the greatest expert would know – they would not have an answer for me but I would really like to know if this is something that I will be experiencing my whole life or if there is a chance that I will not and if it is, fuck man, like how can I like how can I best deal with that and make kind of long-term plans because I don’t long-term-plan about it and if it’s not, how can I get to that point because that and unlike my friend, I think that would be ideal. And I do not think it was, , I think it shaped me but I don’t think it’s necessary for to continue to be part of who I am.

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Casey felt less alone when he got to college, where there was significant public discussion about mental illness.

Age at interview 22

Gender Male

Age at diagnosis 15

So I went to like a very kind of like, progressive liberal arts school and there was a, a pretty large dialogue there surrounding like mental health and that like, it exists, and everyone has it, whether or not it’s going great, and that there’s a huge stigma around it and you should be able to talk about it. And I like, so I would like literally just like see posters about this. I knew people who talked about having mental illnesses and like things that like, things like I deal with but also things like I think probably way harder more than I deal with. And we’re like this doesn’t, you know, make me somehow like less than, or whatever this is, just like a thing that is in my life and I was kind of like hmm. And I never like looked at any of the student groups or whatever but I think it really changed the way that I thought about things just to be around kind of like that dialogue in the air almost.

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Casey discusses the unique challenges that trans people face when attempting to do activities that could lessen depressive symptoms.

Age at interview 22

Gender Male

Age at diagnosis 15

here’s another very specific trans and depression issue for people who, like me, like wear like a binder – like flatten my chest that is painful and I, you know, I do it like safely, wear like the appropriate size but you’re not supposed to wear it for a ton of time a day and that like, that’s a huge barrier being like if I want to go outside to not experience dysphoria I have to wear this thing but it’s summer and it’s disgusting and it makes it like it’s hotter and it’s less easy to breathe and it’s like, so that’s another like, very, very annoying barrier in dealing, dealing with things.

Mhmm. Right

I remember last time

Right because it comes into conflict some of your other strategies like of like go take a walk outside or keep moving or yeah?

Yeah or even just like—you know there’s also been the thing of I should like I’ll go for this walk but I shouldn’t stay out like for a ton of time because like I don’t know where in that area there’s like a bathroom I can use without being plausibly either in, in, at worst, in danger, at best, looked at as [inaudible]. You know? So that’s another category of like should I go to this event tonight? Who knows?

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Casey doesn’t want his future children to suffer depression, but at the same time he wants to affirm the value of his own life by remaining open to parenthood.

Age at interview 22

Gender Male

Age at diagnosis 15

I don’t want to pass this on—it’s shitty. It’s not fun [laughs] But also like I don’t wanna like, I don’t know, kind of like cheapen my experience as a human person in the world by being like this thing makes it unworth, you know, being, being alive about. Because I don’t feel that way, I very much enjoy being alive. I really, really like moving through the world as me and this I had- I have a friend—I’m actually seeing this weekend, which will be nice —who, who struggles with, with depression in a way that is more intense than, than I do and I remember we were talking about this at some point – I think first year of college – and I remember—I don’t know how it came up—but I remember his question was like, Would you like if you like had the option to not would you not? And I was like, Fuck it, yes! This is awful! I would really rather not! and he was like no, like this is really, really part of who I am. And I remember being sort of like horrified by that being like dude, like, why? What is? Why would you not trade this? And I do think it’s more integral to his personality than it is to mine because I think it’s harder for him. But so I, so like part of my instinct is like no, I should not have biological children! But also like I don’t know, I don’t want to be existing in the mindset that my way of being in the world is not worth continuing.

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Life circumstances were generally pretty good for Casey, so he thinks genetics and biology are likely explanations for his depression.

Age at interview 22

Gender Male

Age at diagnosis 15

I have always assumed possibly because it’s feels better as an explanation for me but also possibly because it’s probably true, that it’s like genetic and like naturally occurring, because I think it just doesn’t —for me at least it doesn’t make sense the way I some—the way that when I’m feeling depressed that I like react to I think depression doesn’t make sense as a reaction to my external circumstances, because I’m generally pretty lucky nothing terrible has happened to me.

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Casey worries that if he tells other people about his depression it will exhaust them.

Age at interview 22

Gender Male

Age at diagnosis 15

I feel like I’m a very kind of private person in general, I have my like my emotions or my understandings of things and I tend to keep them to myself until they’re fully formed because it can take me awhile to like figure out what they mean to me . And I think this is partially because, like, I realize, on some level, that if I were to, in these periods of depression, be like here’s how I’m doing, here’s what’s up like, it would just be exhausting for the people I was near and that is, is hard because there are some ways that I would really like to be more, like, I don’t know, like open with my feelings and communicative and, and whatnot.

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For Casey, being present in his body can make him more vulnerable to depressed feelings.

Age at interview 22

Gender Male

Age at diagnosis 15

I like don’t want to be having sex I don’t want to be having, you know? But also I don’t want to be not doing things that I would otherwise enjoy and I might actually enjoy once I began because of depression and that makes that very difficult to-to navigate for me. especially because I don’t know if it’s decent at least it requires you, sex to be like present in your body a certain amount which can be hard and scary for me in times of depression because like, things can feel really scary if I’m present in my body and things can feel like too much [inaudible] you know? And so it’s just a whole fuckin’ mess. Sucks [laughs].

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