But, you also said, that you’d been waiting for psychological therapy and, but you didn’t actually have that?

Ironically, I finally accessed the NHS’s psychological therapy, I was offered a ten-week course, just as I knew I was getting better. And I remember phoning them up and saying, Look, I’m not being funny, I’ve waited like fourteen months for this. This would have been good, a long time ago. And they said, Well, if you turn this down, and if you ever got ill again, you wouldn’t get any help. And so I then, went through their therapy as well, at the same time, which was really difficult, really, because they had a very different, their approach was looking back, and, Where in your past has this been caused by? Whereas the counselling with the CBT, and CAT, was very much about looking for the solutions, to help me adjust my thinking, so I could live in a better place. I mean I think the first thing the charity did, was they helped me understand that this is an illness, this isn’t me being lazy, or selfish, or can’t be bothered to clean up the house, or something, this is me. They used the analogy all the time, This is like a broken leg. You wouldn’t try and drive a car with a broken leg. Stop trying to do it now. And the NHS’s therapy, I remember saying to her one day, I said to her, I’m sorry, but I’m finding this harrowing. And she went, Harrowing? That’s interesting. Do you know what the word harrowing means? Do you know what harrow means? I said, Well, it means to dig deep and break things up. And she said, Well, harrow does. She said, It means to turn the soil completely over. I said, Yes, you’re ripping me open, and opening me up. And what was interesting, was at the end of the ten weeks, they kind of went, Right, weve gone really deep. And I went, Yes, but you’ve broken me open. You’ve not fixed me. Well, you’ve had your ten sessions. Right, okay, well, I must be fixed then. Whereas with the charity it was never, there wasn’t, I wasn’t on their agenda, they were on my agenda.

No, I was given no help by the NHS. I really feel that they’re on their own agenda, and you’ve got to fit in their little box. And if you won’t fit in their little box, Then we can’t help you. Well, people don’t fit into boxes. You know, we are all, you know, incredibly unique and different. So, no, I got all my research offline. As I say, I was looking at Harvard research papers, and Sweden’s got a very good reputation for a lot of, mental health stuff, as has parts of Australia. So, I was reading up about, round the world, and, you know, how they were using it. And that was what was driving my desire to go forward with it. Not really what they said. No, they weren’t really, they didn’t really explain it, to be perfectly honest.

And then, obviously, it wasn’t so, it wasn’t so much the treatment that put you off as the surroundings

The environment.

and the aftercare that was offered?

Very, very scary environment, yes. I mean, I have to drive past the hospital quite often, and I have this sense of relief, you know, nine years later, that I didn’t go in that place. Yes. I just remember going in there, and it just was not inviting, at all. It just instantly was, and the people in there weren’t particularly, I was expect-, I suppose I was expecting someone to be very hold your hand’ kind of attitude, Come on now. I know you’re in a bad place. Let’s, let’s sit down and talk about your options here, and why were considering this option for you, and why we feel it could be the right move forward. But it wasn’t. It was very, Well, you know, this is what’s on the table. If you take it, you take it. If you don’t, you don’t. And if you don’t, theres nothing we can offer you. Oh, thanks very much you know. I, as I said, I’ve said before, I was actually told by, one of the mental health team, that as far as they were concerned. And my father had come to this appointment with me, and it was just before I was going to go for the ECT, because they were desperate for me not to do it too, so I was going against the whole family, I’m part of a close family. And he said to the doctor, There must be something you can do. And she said, You must remember as far as the NHS is concerned, it’s classed, the British NHS is a sinking ship, and even the rats are leaving. And that’s what they told a mentally ill person. Which is nice [laugh]. Thanks for that, [laugh]. What country do you suggest then?

And it was my husband that convinced me out of it. I think the main reason he convinced me out of it on that day, there and then, rather than us coming home, was because the hospital was set up in such an unpleasant way. It was just an instantly frightening environment, you know, there was gates and locks. I remember walking in, and I’ll never forget this to the day I die, there was a woman being manhandled, by three people, and she was screaming at the top of their voices. And she was the first thing I saw as, and the reception just ignored her, and she just said, Can I help you? Not really. And I was already panicking, sorry, already panicking, thinking, Oh, I can’t be in this place, I can’t be in this place. And then we went in and she said, Well, let’s come and have a talk about it. And so my husband sat and talked to this woman. And I think, it all got a bit bizarre really, because they said, Well, when, as she has this treatment, she won’t be allowed to come home. And that’s what really annoyed my husband, because he said, The only thing that’s keeping Mandie alive is me, her love for me, and her children. She feels, she loves her kids but, you know, theres no connection. And, and he said, you know, If you take her away from her kids, you’re taking away the only reason she has to live.

And I remember thinking, But I walk on the beach every day. However tough a day it was, I would take the kids for a walk on the beach, even if it was for five minutes, throw a few stones in the sea. It, and it didn’t feel good, but I knew I was doing the right things. And I thought, But you’re going to lock me in a room. How is that going to help? Oh, because we have to monitor the drugs you have to take, and all. So I could understand that. And so then we said, Well, what about if? Because we were still going through this, Well, let’s go for this. So, we were saying, Well, what about if we took Mandie, if, I’ll bring Mandie in at 4 o’clock in the morning, if you like, so she can have her medicines, and then well take her home again. So you can monitor, and make sure her heart’s coping, and all the rest of it. And they said, Well, no, she needs to be here to be part of the therapy. We said, Well, what therapy? And they said, Well, during the day shell get to do some art. And that’s when it all went a bit bizarre really, because that’s when they lost us, because we went, Art? And he, Yes, and she can make things. And [husband’s name] went, Well, do you make a basket perhaps? And he said, Well, no, because it’s good for them to have therapy. And he said, Right, so you want her to sit in a room with people like that woman out there doing art as opposed to a 2-year-old, and a 4-year-old doing art? And that’s when we, they lost us, because they had no connection with me as a person. They didn’t want to listen to who I was, they didn’t want to listen to what helped me, or had been helping me, for over a year. They just wanted to do what they wanted to do, in the environment they wanted to do it.