Pat
Pat’s daughter was bullied at school when she was 14. She started scratching her arms and later took an overdose. Pat describes coping as a single father. Clinical services have been helpful, but he would like the school to deal with the bullies.
Pat is divorced and lives with his three children. When his eldest daughter was 14 she was seriously bullied at school. She started scratching her arms and then used a flannel to burn herself. A few months later she took an overdose of painkillers. She told a school friend that she had done this and Pat was advised to take her straight to the GP’s surgery, where they were seen immediately. Pat thought the GP was fantastic he checked Pat’s daughter’s symptoms and sent her home, saying he would see her again in a month. He warned her of the dangers of overdose, but when he asked her if she would take another she said she would. Pat says when he heard this time stopped’.
Pat’s first reaction when he found out about the self-harming was to ask Why? What did I do, what didn’t I do? What could I have done, what should I have done?’ He says the first couple of weeks were very dark, very lonely, and it was hard to find someone to talk to who could understand. He describes the feeling of total lack of control as a father, you’re used to telling your child that everything will be alright, that you can sort it out, and suddenly you can’t. Pat and his daughter are able to talk about her problems, though Pat says he finds it hard to guess what she is thinking as she is good at keeping up appearances. He doesn’t want to keep asking but is worried all the time she is out of his sight. She expresses guilt about self-harming and says she’s sorry she’s let Pat down, but he says he feels he must have let her down somewhere for her to be so desperate. She had been sad since her parents separated, and had been the victim of abuse which was related to the bullying. She was first helped by a lady from SAFE, a victim support charity, who suggested coping strategies for self-harming but was limited to 16 sessions. Pat’s daughter was then referred to PCAMHS (Primary Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service) and later CAMHS. The CAMHS team have said she has no mental health issues but she is just stressed by the bullying. The family are also involved with the Hub, a local early intervention facility which helped with Pat’s younger daughter who has special education needs. Pat says they were all brilliant’, though because the CAMHS sessions are confidential and focused on the child he doesn’t feel he gets anything back from them.
Although Pat thinks the pastoral care service at the school was pretty good, he is very angry at the school’s failure to address the bullying. The school told him that a lot of people in his daughter’s year group were self-harming and that it rarely progressed, which he found reassuring (although this wasn’t the case). He says he feels he has let his daughter down as he can’t influence the school. Initially he thought his daughter should stay at the school as he doesn’t believe in letting bullies win, but he has now followed his daughter’s wishes and is completing forms for her to move schools.
The impact of all this on Pat and the family has been devastating. Pat currently goes to about five meetings a week in connection with his daughter’s problems. He says he is on a constant state of red alert and is extremely tired. Having no one to share it with makes things worse. He has been drinking more than usual and feels sad, lost, confused and angry. He has been taking medication for depression and anxiety for several years but doesn’t want to go back to his doctor because his current stress is related to his concerns for his daughter. He is self-employed but hasn’t been able to work in the last few weeks due to the tiredness and because he wants to be at home when school finishes. This has huge financial implications.
Pat’s two younger children are very anxious about their sister and were worried that they might have added to her problems. Pat is concerned about his ex-wife’s attitude: the children stayed with her for several months after the breakup and the CAMHS team have suggested that his older daughter’s low self-esteem may be related to this period. Pat tries to hide his distress from his children, but his ex-wife rushed over in tears when she heard about the self-harm. He thought this was unhelpful as she was very involved for a few days and then didn’t get in touch for some time. Pat’s elderly parents are also worrying about the situation but Pat is reluctant to share his anxieties with them as he doesn’t want to increase their stress.
Pat would like some practical help in dealing with the school and the procedure of changing schools. He was reluctant to search the internet for support as he was worried about what he might find. He is very anxious about his daughter’s future, especially if the cause of her problems is not addressed and she stays in the same neighbourhood. Pat thinks that maybe fathers are less well equipped to deal with emotions, though he has a good relationship with his daughter. He thinks his stiff upper lip’ and practical approach to problems has been helpful as it hasn’t increased his daughter’s sense of guilt. He thinks fathers can be overlooked by clinical teams and would like clinicians to understand that for parents, this is their first experience of self-harm and they feel extremely raw, so they need to be treated sensitively. To parents he says Don’t blame yourself. It happens, so try not to go into it with a heavy heart’.