Like I say I was quite active when I was younger and I was in, like the football teams and the rugby teams, so obviously you have to be quite a build for that because it’s really demanding.

But I did like weights when I was like younger as well. And I’ve always, because my dad’s really active, I’ve learned this from him, he’s did a lot of like long runs, well not marathons but like runs and stuff like that, and he was in the army and he was in, he did boxing and did weight lifting and stuff like that. So I’ve learnt everything sort of from him.

But I’ve always, like I said I had that background so once I came to the point where I wanted to start losing weight I had quite a, you know, quite a repertoire of books, and research about how to lose weight, or what’s the best for to, to speed up your metabolism and things like that.

But at the point of like last year when I started to want to lose weight it was just a case of me doing more and eating less.

When I sort of became full blown with my disorder I never really I didn’t have this sort of image problem I guess. I never looked at magazines and wanted to look like somebody. Because I was always sort of exercising anyway so I knew what I could do. But I really, it’s really hard to see it as a guy now because a lot of people like when they talk to me, when I go home and stuff like that, but a lot of people don’t understand this illness. Quite a lot and they think that Oh, wait a minute, you know you just want to look like so and so in the papers’, and it’s like, it’s completely nothing like that you know. So and so in the papers, and it’s completely nothing like that you know. And it’s, even about anorexia it’s not about food, it’s about feelings. You know and it is true, it’s completely about the way I felt.

Oh when I was, at that time when I was really ill I completely lost my whole, what do you call it? Libido, absolutely completely lost that.

Nothing would register in my head. Because I wouldn’t be thinking about that at all. I wouldn’t, I lost it completely. I completely lost all sort of recognition of women and stuff like that. Honestly it was, it was quite strange thinking back at that because, but then again that is a trait of an eating disorder as well. When your body is so starved you just do not think about things like that. And at the time I just, because I was isolating myself so much I wouldn’t think about women or, in that sense at all or, you know, I would try to avoid being or talking about women or stuff like that as much as possible. And that’s what I was like when I was ill. And I was happy like that.

I mean I would have, like I said before I wouldn’t have stopped for anybody, until somebody actually forced me into hospital, and even when I was in the hospital the first day when the doctor seen me, and he, I was, I actually told him, You know, you’ve got better patients to look after because I’m, you know I’m, I should be out on the weekend [Laughs] You know and I actually still believed that when I first came into hospital. The first day I was there I thought I was going to be let out on the weekend and, and you know that’s, that’s it. But that weekend never came and I was in hospital for the, for the duration of this time so it’s, it’s been quite eye opening.

But just coming up to that point of when I was like, I just showed every sign of anorexia basically and coming from that, and I told you I was doing the exercising regimes, I wasn’t eating, or what food I was taking in was pretty much non-existent. I was isolating myself even more, well loads basically, and my, it was causing so many arguments around where I lived, my family, my friends, I just didn’t care anymore and when I actually did come into hospital and I was stuck on like strict bed rest and I felt like I was being punished and you know the toilet doors are locked.

And I wasn’t allowed, I was on constant obs. I was stuck next to a nurse station. It did, and it did feel like I was being punished for what I’d, what I sort of did at that time. But obviously I was really ill but I felt like I was just doing this to make myself happy.

So it was really hard because you know we, when I was in hospital I had to get used to getting nurses to watch me going to the toilet which was pretty hard, you know. And it’s, it’s one thing you know taking away your possessions, you know taking away your book or, your, you know your iPod or whatever, but once you take away your dignity and you’re not allowed to even go to the toilet without somebody watching you, or everything, all your food is recorded and you’re constantly watched, it’s, it’s made me who I am today because it’s, it was just so hard at that time. I remember a couple of times I just broke down completely because I couldn’t believe that my life sort of came to this point. Because it was really hard and I couldn’t talk to anybody at that point either because there was nobody as young as me on the ward. I was, there was no TV or anything like that. And I was basically just trapped around myself and I couldn’t even get off the bed basically. So that first month that I was in hospital was really, really hard for me.

I loved that sort of feeling of pain I got from it. I’d feel like justified to do it because I, I guess it was, I guess it’s sort of that OCD behaviour coming back but in a different sort of way. And I’m guessing that’s, it really went together with the fact that you know when I wasn’t eating it was coming out in these sort of strange sorts of habits and…

But then but with me that’s, that’s how I’d always, I’d always feel justified to punish myself because I never felt like I would deserved anything like, because as I said I have like confidence issues and stuff like that, and it felt right to punish myself because I felt worthless and I felt like, because I felt worthless I should be doing this. And I shouldn’t feel, I should feel pain you know, I like, I enjoyed that feeling of like hunger pangs and stuff like that because it would really, it would hurt. You know? it’s a different sort of hurt feeling that you would get, but it was a, it was a, it was a hurtful feeling that I could control, you know.

it’s you know, there’s no coming down from this. You can constantly feel like this, you know, you can stop but you’ve got, you’ve got the power to stop it if you want to, but you can keep going if you, if you dare to go that far. And I always wanted to push it that little bit further.