It takes a while, you’ve got to find someone you click with, who you’re able to open up to, to get benefit from those situations so…

Have you found anyone?

I yeah I had had a counsellor, she was amazing, I found her through the YWCA so that was after having my son, she was brilliant and she helped me through so many things and so you, you can find them there [laughs] are decent people out there.

Okay, what made her different?

I don’t know, we connected on a level, I mean, she was young, we were able to have a laugh as well as just talk about the serious issues, she wouldn’t pressure me to talk about stuff, she’d hint and prompt me to, discuss things so, no it was just easy with her and sometimes it’s a struggle with there’s someone you don’t want to talk to.

I’ve been on anti-depressants, a few different kinds, I never really felt much help from them, so after a while I decided not to take them whatever, but , the last time I was prescribed them I took them and I did get some help from them, but then you’re, when you start to feel better you eventually wean yourself off them, but I always know that they’re there, but I would rather talk about my feelings than go, and take anti-depressants when I don’t really need to.

And it was having, I was being pressured into trying stuff by my partner who was fairly abusive and quite forceful on me, so I, just do stuff for the sake of it, never quite enjoyed any of it, but obviously you get the rush of certain things or you get chilled out from certain things and it’s quite a scary time because watching people inject heroin and watching them pass out, slumped in a corner it’s not nice for someone to see at that young age when I was thirteen myself. Going on to like thirteen, fourteen, fifteen then, when my relationship with that partner ended, as did much of the drug use, but I still had the after effects, I had Cannabis Psychosis for lots of smoking of green, oh I had mental scars from all my experiences

So you, you felt sort of pressurised to do drugs?

Yes, yes.

While you were with him?

Yes I, yeah very pressurised to do drugs, [sighs] he was six foot four, he was a big, big built bloke, rugby player, and he had such a hold over me, and I was terrified of him but at the time I was thirteen, naïve, I thought I was in love with him, because despite all the bad things and how bad he was towards me he did show me love and affection, so I was with him, I was, I was scared to leave but at the same time I didn’t want to leave because I didn’t have many friends, he, he was there for me in a way, lots of people who are abused do love the person who is abusing them, so, [sighs].

I hated school. Hated school [laughs], I didn’t do, I didn’t do too badly to be fair but I had, I probably had it in me to do a lot better, if I wasn’t going through what I was going through, in my last year, I was very depressed, I was self-harming, I had a random suicide attempts just to try and get something done but, I went and spoke to one of my teachers and said, Look I’m not going to be able to take my GCSEs, I just, I don’t want to do it, I’m going to fail everything. He finally persuaded me to do them and I done okay, I scraped a handful, but I had the potential to do a lot better.

Listen a bit more. Listen instead of blabbing your mouth, try and get to know the person before you just come out with a load of crap, well they don’t understand and explain things more, because a lot of the time I didn’t know what the hell they were on about.

Why?

They’d use all these technical terms and just like go on and on, I was like, just be honest and open with them.

Okay.

and explain.

And use plain English?

Yeah, yeah [short laugh].

Okay.

Just, yeah.

Do you think that as a teenager you would feel confident to go and tell a doctor or someone and say, Sorry I don’t understand this.?

No. No a few years ago no way, like I said my confidence has soared and I would be happy to say that now but at that point no.

So at that point you sat there?

Yeah it’s quite intimidating to have someone that you barely know or you’ve just met asking you deep and personal questions so just go easy on them to start with, before you delve into their past and pick their lives to pieces in front of them when they’re upset, because it’s an upsetting time having, speaking to a counsellor or a psychiatrist, or being admitted to hospital and you, just having someone, who doesn’t really show any emotion who’s just like sat there, like a statute, just repeating these questions, trying to get everything out of you.

And that’s how you felt?

That’s how I felt quite a few times, and it’s just, it’s not nice really.

First time I was offered drugs was when he took me to the first house party was within a week of knowing him, and smoking cannabis passing a joint around, Here you go have some of this, it’s like a cigarette. Tried it, and because it was handed to me, I thought I want to look cool in front of all his mates, so I tried it I’d already, I was already smoking normal cigarettes at that point so, that was, that wasn’t too bad compared to what else was being passed around, Oh have some little white tablets. What are these? They’re ecstasy. Have a line of this coke it’s really great you will buzz. It was just

So that’s first time you’d tried cannabis?

That was the first time I tried cannabis, at that first house party I went to and then.

And how did you feel?

How did I feel?I just felt chilled out.

As the effects are I had, I did feel slightly under pressure, peer pressure to do it.

Well what do you think would have happened if you have said no I don’t want to?

I don’t know they would probably laughed at me and just, passed it off I don’t, I don’t know it’s hard saying now.

I was being pressured into trying stuff by my partner who was fairly abusive and quite forceful on me, so I, just do stuff for the sake of it, never quite enjoyed any of it, but obviously you get the rush of certain things or you get chilled out from certain things and it’s quite a scary time because watching people inject heroin and watching them pass out, slumped in a corner it’s not nice for someone to see at that young age when I was thirteen myself. Going on to like thirteen, fourteen, fifteen then, when my relationship with that partner ended, as did much of the drug use.

So based on this experience I mean, how much do you think it has to do with cannabis smoking; your depression, your self-harming?

I think it had a major part in it, not, not completely all of it because there were issues from school, my family, my friends, but [eh] [laughs] smoking drugs yeah, had a major part of my depression which I will carry with me probably throughout my life I still have, I still have spells of depression and so it’s just part of me and I try and deal with it as best I can.

So for you cannabis had a major impact?

Yeah.

..on your health, on your…

Yeah.

…mental health?

Yeah it’s, very [laughs] dangerous compared to [sighs] it’s, what is it now, a class B? But it is, it can mess you up worse than lots of other things, okay you pop a few pills you may die instantly, they could be very dangerous but what about smoking cannabis for a long time and then you just carry it with the rest of your life, you’ve just got to deal with it for the rest of your life and no, it’s not nice [laughs].

Illegal drugs are illegal for a reason, because they are dangerous. They wouldn’t, they wouldn’t have laws against them if they weren’t so I don’t like drugs.

What would you say to people who say, Oh well cannabis doesn’t harm you.?

I would tell them my experience [door noise], at the end of the day, I can’t stop anyone from doing anything, if they really want to do it they’ll go out and do it [knocking at door] they’ll learn from their mistakes as I’ve learnt from mine. At the moment my priority is myself and my son, I can give other people my experiences, I can let them know what I’ve been through but it’s up to them at the end of the day.

Are you still sort of smoking cannabis from time to time or?

No.

No?

I do…miss it though, I think you do miss the, just the experience of being able to chill out, forget a few things.

What are your reasons now for not doing drugs?

I have a two and a half year old son and I don’t want that around him [sighs] I couldn’t risk being completely off my face if something happened, so no.

I think part of me misses, misses the drugs, I think because you do get a good buzz off some of them and you have some, some good experiences in a, quite a weird way, so, I do miss it sometimes and there is like the temptation, to think I can just call up one of my old friends and I’ll have a spliff in half an hour’ so you’ve got to be quite…

So what do you do when you…?

I just think of my little boy and think he deserves better than that really, he deserves a good mother and that’s what I’m trying my hardest to be and that’s all that matters to me at the moment, is that I’m a good mother to my son and I’m, a good person, and just live my life, try and be a decent human being, try and do something, so.

That stopped you.

Yeah. I’ve just messed up so many times, and, [sighs] I’ve finally got my life back on track, I’m living with my son, I’ve got a nice house, I’ve got a lot going for me so I’m not going to ruin that.

Has the way you see yourself changed?

Oh yeah [sighs], yeah [sighs] I’m a completely different person.

Tell me a little, tell me more?

I’ve always, my confidence has soared, I’m very open. I look back and think I was not a nice person then.

In which way?

In every way really I was bitchy, I was nasty, I was snide, I didn’t care, and now I do, I’m, I now have a lot going for me but I didn’t feel like I did then. I have pride in myself, I’m proud to be who I am and what I’ve got, it may not be a lot to some people but this is what I’ve got.

So, and for what I’ve, for what I’ve come, come through, and through all my experiences to be here now saying all this, I’m very proud of that fact. So I’m a completely different person to who I was back then.

You said you don’t want drugs around you, you don’t want drugs around your son, why not?

Why not? because they’re dangerous, they’re, just it’s not a nice thing and I don’t want drug addicts who, when you’re on drugs you’re unpredictable, I’m not having that around my son, I don’t want someone who can, flip from being nice to nasty in a second, it’s dangerous.

Because that was your experience?

That was my experience yeah. So, I want my son to grow up and lead a good life and be a good [short laugh] little boy and. I don’t want him being pressured into doing drugs so I’m going to teach him, when he’s old enough to understand.

Will you talk to him about?

I will talk to him about the stuff.

Okay, so would you say that [sighs] your main reason for using drugs was because of this partner?

Yes, yeah, I didn’t have a clue beforehand, I didn’t have a clue about anything, I was very na√Øve at that age, didn’t have a clue about sex, drugs, relationships, anything I think it was all pushed on to me and such a short pace, short space of time and [sighs] too much to take in really [laughs].

[Laughs]. Were you being affected by depression before you met him or it was?

No not really.

Not really?

I think, I met him and it was all just like, well it was a different world to what I’d be used to, because I was quiet, didn’t have many friends, I had body issues wasn’t particularly happy.

Why were you not particularly happy or?

I was overweight, didn’t have many friends, I didn’t enjoy school, but with this partner, despite all the bad times we did have good times and it just offered something else.

And at school were you bullied because?

I was bullied at school yeah because of my weight.

Okay so am I correct in saying that you were looking at yourself in a negative way?

Oh yeah definitely, yeah.

So this guy comes around and sort of…?

Yeah, Oh you’re beautiful, oh I find you really attractive.Well to be fair an eighteen year old shouldn’t be saying that to a thirteen year old, but at [laughs] at that age I was like, wow I’m completely like, fallen for him, because I did at the time but, I don’t know.

So was friends at this school were very few or?

Yeah very few, I’ve never had close friends at school, acquaintances you might say, I rarely went out with friends from school, didn’t go round their houses, have them round mine, so…

I was, I was quite lonely.