Peter – Interview 18
Peter first experienced depression in 1997 while working as an investment banker. He experienced nausea, a pervasive sense of ‘impending doom’, sleeping problems, and by 1998 was no longer able to work. In 2002 his mental health declined further after an accident resulting in chronic physical pain. However in time Peter learned to deal with his depression better, and found an effective medication. He says his experience has made him more compassionate and accepting.
Peter’s early life was life was happy and stable. He grew up in a family of five boys, completed university, married and had three children, and established a career in investment banking. However, in 1997 Peter began to notice feelings of nausea and dread on the way to work in the morning. Gradually these feelings began to persist throughout the day, and his job no longer brought the satisfaction it had previously. He was also having trouble sleeping – routinely waking at 4am and not being able to get back to sleep. Peter was puzzled by this, as nothing had otherwise changed in his life. Then one day at work he found himself paralysed; – unable to read what was on his computer screen, and unable to face his next meeting.
Peter was referred by his employer to a psychologist, and then he saw a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist prescribed antidepressants although did not explicitly make a diagnosis. Peter took two months off work, but the medication made little difference. He then started to worry about money and bills, so made himself return to work. Throughout this period he was feeling no better and had begun to have suicidal thoughts. One day on the way to a meeting, he again came to a standstill. He called his wife and asked her to pick him up.
The next four years were a blur of days at a time spent in bed;, continually being irritable and low, struggling to read even simple things, and experimenting with different antidepressants. Around this time Peter was first exposed to the ideas of Buddhism which planted the idea that depression need not define him. However, he had another setback in 2002 when he jumped 10 feet from his mother’s roof after clearing her gutters – which he explains was not a suicide attempt, just an act of stupidity;. He smashed his left heel, causing permanent damage and resulting in him spending years on pain relief medication.
By 2005 or 2006, Peter had learned to think of himself and his depression as distinct entities, which he found helpful. In 2008 he tried duloxetine and experienced improvement in his emotional and mental state. He describes his current state of mind as a mix of contentment and vigilance;, and says that he is able to compartmentalise his depressed feelings;. He is well enough to be able to study, participate in family life, socialise a little, and generally keep busy. Peter is deeply grateful to his wife for staying with him and supporting him and his children over the past 13 years, and also to his brothers with whom he is able to talk openly. He now accepts his depression experience and the influence it will probably have on the rest of his life, but believes that it has made him a more compassionate and understanding person.